I successfully managed to forget my keys at work! The ironic downside to this awesome occurrence is that I simultaneously managed to fail to remember to bring my keys home from work. Some would say that that is a more important fact than the first one, but they are Too Negative.

Seriously though, I just spent the last four hours locked out of my apartment. Mostly this was okay because I spent those four hours eating a burger, going for a walk while listening to music, reading in the lobby of my building and then buying donuts before finally I was rescued by a guy who works in my building. Super? Custodian? Some other thing? I have no idea who does what in this building, but whoever that guy is, my thanks go to him.

Haiku!

Doors are made of wood.
Lasers are made of pure light.
They are different.

It has been a long time since I’ve locked myself out. The last time I remember was like five or six years ago. And it was for a longer amount of time that time, but then I had somewhere else to go.

The Archie comic strip seems to devote more time to the teachers eating in the cafeteria than it does to the students eating in the cafeteria. Is it strange that they do that, or is it strange that I noticed?

Haiku!

I did a haiku
in my last post on this site.
Here is another.

Also, I would like to rebut against a study I heard on the radio a week ago. They said that people who shaved regularly were more likely to be happy and say that they were living their dreams, with the implication being that shaving regularly was in part the cause for that happiness. I would say that maybe, just maybe, they have it backwards and that people who are living their dreams are more likely to shave. Just my opinion as someone who does not shave regularly and is, you can be sure, not living his dreams.

Also, what the chunks kind of study is that?

Sadly, my time off of work is now drawing to a close. I can’t say I accomplished many great noteworthy, thanks a lot Nintendo Entertainment System, but I am pleased with the time as it was spent…

I used up all the gift certificates I’d had since Christmas for DVDs. I got Zombieland, Stand By Me, Tropic Thunder, Dial M For Murder and A Serious Man. Not a bad haul to add to my collection.

Haiku!

This is a haiku.
I wrote it on my website.
This is how it ends.

I seem to have fixed the problems my computer has been experiencing. This is because I am a master hacker. I hack computers and make them become hacked. Yep. I’m a hacker. Hackedy Hack. Hacker. Well, anyway, after an whole afternoon spent playing with various things that were supposed to help, one of them apparently did.

Also, since I am sure my nonexistent readership has tired of my plain-looking website, I have gone through things like my About page and my FAQ and added some pictures and stuff. Try to make things a bit more visually interesting. Every little bit helps.

Unrelated to my time off, I have noticed that according to the side of the carton, the grapefruit that I regularly drink gives me way more than the required daily dosage of fruits and vegetables. I am sure this is a good things, but finding that out really just highlights how much I don’t get of the other food groups. Oh, food groups, why are you so hard to maintain?

For the record, I am much better at Operation: Wolf than I was as a child, but I still can’t beat it.

The joke is that I didn’t post anything on April Fools Day, I guess.

I got poisoned, though! Well, not really, but on Thursday I ate one of these little yogurt parfaits that the Superstore sells and the blueberries tasted a bit off, but because I wanted to get to the oatmeal beneath them, I just kept right on eatin’. After I woke up later Thursday I had a terrible taste in my mouth and a bit of general queasiness and such. I figure I probably shouldn’t have eaten those blueberries. Blueberries are delicious when they are fresh, but not worth it when they aren’t. Fact. I’m still in love with the parfaits, though. I’ll stick with the strawberry for now.

So, I bought a book a few weeks back (Trouble With Lichen, by John Whyndam) and was like sixty or more pages into it when I realized that thirty pages were missing. In a row. And it isn’t a clean tear, either. There is enough of the pages left in that I can make out whole words in some instances. That is the sort of thing that I should have caught before I bought it, but I guess it does explain why I got it for a dollar and it was marked “as is”. Ah, well.

Haiku!

Can’t stop the bum rush.
Don’t even bother to try.
You just can’t stop it.

So, for as long as I can remember, the newspaper that employs me would make its cover page black and white on Good Friday. You know, like they are mourning Jesus’s death an’ all ’at. This year they did not. This proves the newspaper is now Satanist. Proves it.

Why does all the spam that tries to post on my site have to be so complimentary? I’m constantly deleting comments about how interesting and wonderful my site is. Of course, since it isn’t such a great site, at least I can rationalize it by reminding myself that I am deleting lies.

Haiku!

The very best pie.
It has crust that tastes like gold.
And filling like tin.

I realize now that that pie doesn’t really sound so good… But I can’t argue with haiku.

I have just discovered that John Swartzwelder’s Frank Burly novel this year is to be called “The Last Detective Alive” and it will be released this Spring. Sweet. Anyone who likes absurdist comedy really ought to be reading the Frank Burly novels.