I give you this one:

I also give you the Phone Guys:

The Red Shark

Murray Carter was an archaeologist studying a shipwreck when he was caught in a freak electrical storm. Struck by some sort of mystical red lightning bolt that caused his body to adapt to the undersea environment. Strong enough to withstand the pressures of the deep sea and able to swim faster than the quickest sea animals, Murray created the identity of “the Red Shark” to fight some pirates who tried to steal the archaeological findings. Since then the Red Shark has continued to fight crime on the high seas.

The aquatic superhero is a tradition almost as old as the superhero itself, with guys like Namor and Aquaman dating back to 1939 and 1941 respectively. While everybody loves to make jokes at Aquaman’s expense (because the Internet will always love an easy running gag), these guys are a tradition that I had to get in on, so the Red Shark is the result. It is, of course, worth noting that I probably hold the world record for writing the most Haikus about Namor.

The Green Camera

Matthew Callahan was an intrepid award-winning reporter known for putting himself at risk to get at the truth. On one case, however, Callahan was shot in the hip and left unable to walk. When appearing on a radio show to tell his story. The broadcast was picked up by aliens who, liking the cut of Callahan’s jib, came to him in the night and gave him a device they called the Green Camera.

When holding the alien Camera, Callahan can fly, but that is not its primary use. As you would expect, the Camera takes pictures. The Camera sees only the truth. In addition to being able to zoom in and all that sort of thing, its images can see through any sort of untruth. The disguises of alien conquerors and spies alike fall apart through the eye of the Green Camera. Also, it has a blinding flash that can be useful. With all this, Callahan is able to once again fight for truth and justice.

This is a pretty straight-up Green Lantern-inspired hero. I’ve always liked the image of the (I think) Golden Age Green Lantern carrying the big lantern around, so that’s why the Green Camera here gets a big bulky device, instead of a little ring (or camera phone).

People sometimes forget that I am one of the world’s five greatest living poets (and one of the seven greatest dead ones). So here I present to you a Poetry Parade of haiku written about Namor the Sub-Mariner that date from the Contains2 days. All but the first ten of these were on secret pages, so I can even pretend like I’m presenting them for the first time. Here you go:

Top Ten Haikus About Namor
Sunday 03 August 2003:

10)
Wing-fins on his feet
Good swimming abilities
And a green speedo.

9)
Namor cries a lot
How come? He has a sad life.
He likes comfort foods.

8)
King of Atlantis
But never King of the World
Also, not a bride

7)
Eating out one night
Namor ordered some sushi.
Thus he ate his arm.

6)
He’s like Aqua-Shaft.
Or perhaps more like a kind
of Scuba-Rambo.

5)
Namor knows the Hulk
Hulk likes to Call him ‘Fish-Man’
This makes Namor cry.

4)
What do pointy ears
Have to do with living in
the deep blue ocean?

3)
He is bulletproof
But not immune to slander
So watch your fool mouth

2)
He may look like Spock
But Namor is no Vulcan
Vulcans don’t swim good.

1)
The Sub-Mariner.
That’s what they call him up here.
Below sea, they don’t.

Ten More Haikus about Namor!
Sunday 28 September 2003:

10)
Amnesiac Bum
He had a beard and no home
But he got better.

9)
Namor should get SARS.
Then people would talk ’bout him.
Which they should do more.

8)
Atlantis is wet.
The people there are wet too.
They can’t wear suede there.

7)
Namor has villains.
Tiger Shark… Krang… Attuma…
They are all zeroes.

6)
See that fish? The trout.
That trout thinks Namor is dumb.
That makes Namor cry.

5)
Namor don’t like fire.
It makes him dry out. That hurts.
He should moisturize.

4)
Namor’s email is
Underwater_superguy
@fishguy.com

3)
Aquaman just sucks.
When compared to ol’ Namor.
Or anyone else.

2)
Namor’s hair is black.
His head is flat and stupid.
He should wear a hat.

1)
Do not beat him up.
He lives a hard life as king.
You’d just make it worse.

Another Ten Haikus About Namor
Saturday 08 November 2003:

10)
His name is Namor.
Backwards his name is Roman.
That’s kinda fishy

9)
He can punch so hard
That it shatters walls of stone.
He thinks that is great.

8)
Namor went to Mars.
He met an alien fish.
Didn’t even care.

7)
One time, Namor said:
“I’m gonna conquer the world.”
But he hasn’t yet.

6)
Namor watches golf.
Though he won’t admit to it.
It is his secret.

5)
Atlantis had ghosts.
Namor probably fought them
Or paid them to leave.

4)
He has no fish tail.
Unlike the mermaids of myth.
That makes Namor cry.

3)
Daddy, who is that?
That’s Namor! He is the King.
He ain’t got no class!

2)
During Would War Two
Namor helped fight the Axis.
He knows Nazis suck.

1)
Turtles don’t like him.
They only like shelled heroes.
That makes Namor cry.

Yet Another Ten Haikus about Namor
Saturday 08 November 2003:

10)
In days long ago,
When Namor was but a lad,
He would get beat up.

9)
Say “Suffering Shad!”
A far better catch phrase than
“Imperious Rex!”

8)
He won’t admit it,
But Namor still dries his bed.
How embarrasing.

7)
I’m Biff. I’m real big.
I stole Namor’s lunch money.
Namor then cried hard.

6)
Call her She-Namor!
She also has winged feet.
She’s Namorita!

5)
Would you punch the Hulk?
The King of Atlantis would.
Is he brave or dumb?

4)
“Eat fish for supper.”
Says Namor on the TV.
“Buy from Atlantis.”

3)
Heh. Namor got punched.
Punched right in his stupid face.
That’ll show the jerk.

2)
Who’s Namorita?
Why, a female clone, of course.
Of Namor, that is.

1)
Namor’s bicycle?
He says it is a good one.
But he just plain lies.

More Namor Haikus. Ten of them.
Monday 08 December 2003:

10)
Namor is the King!
His subjects think he is cool.
They are right, of course.

9)
Namor’s feet have wings.
These wings are like fins. Then some.
He can swim and fly.

8)
The Fantastic Four.
Namor has a crush on one.
And it ain’t Ben Grimm.

7)
Sometimes he gets sad.
He misses being a bum.
Namor liked those days.

6)
At a Stones concert.
Namor started a big fight.
He said they were old.

5)
Namor was at home.
In the city, Atlantis.
Pretty boring night.

4)
Dude! Did you hear this?
What? Is it about Namor?
Yeah! He’s got no car!

3)
Rocket Robin-Hood.
He is not Namor at all.
He gets no haiku.

2)
Hulk said “Hey, Fish-Man!”
Namor said “What, you moron?”
Hulk: “I miss my bike.”

1)
Namor in the house
(The house is filled with water)
Now the party starts!

Namor Haikus! Will It Never End?
Tuesday 20 January 2004:

10)
A Mech-Crab cometh!
It’s part of Namor’s army.
It can pinch and hurt.

9)
Namor McKenzie.
Half-human and half fishman.
He don’t wear a shirt.

8)
“Atlantis is home”
Says Namor to his allies.
“But New York has beer.”

7)
Namor got yelled at.
Some guy called him a fascist.
This made Namor cry.

6)
It’s different now.
He yells “Imperious Rex!”
Not “Sufferin’ Shad!”

5)
“Sue Storm is so hot!”
Thought Namor when he saw her.
“Too bad I’m kelp-brained.”

4)
Some fat kid was there.
Namor didn’t know why though.
The kid was just bored.

3)
Namor cut his hand,
One day as he combed his hair.
Cut it on his ear.

2)
Namor likes Haikus.
He writes them about himself.
And puts them online.

1)
It’s an adventure!
Namor is fighting a bear!
Oh, what zany fun!

Did Someone Say Haikus About Namor?
Sunday 11 April 2004:

10)
Flat head, foot wings, butt.
They’re Namor’s ingredients.
Now just add water.

9)
Namor likes a song.
It’s the one called Rock Lobster.
He rocks out to it.

8)
Namor, the Movie.
Starring someone as Namor.
And someone as fish.

7)
I like comic books.
I wonder what Namor likes?
Fish fish fish fish fish.

6)
A homemade “jeep” car.
Namor had one. Was yellow.
Drove it for a while.

5)
Atlantean folk.
That’s the people Namor rules.
They’re subservient.

4)
They’re the Defenders!
Hulk! Namor! Doc Strange! Others…
They’re mostly heroes.

3)
Namor’s a monarch.
But he still can’t afford pants.
That makes Namor cry.

2)
Hey, can you see that?
Looks like Namor McKenzie!
I hear he smells bad.

1)
Nineteen-Thirty-Nine
Namor shows up on the scene.
He does not wear much.

Two Times Five Haikus On The Topic Of Namor
Friday 03 December 2004

10)
Hulk isn’t in town?
The Sub-Mariner will do.
Thus, Namor finds work.

9)
It is Halloween.
Namor wears a Spidey mask.
Spidey goes topless.

8)
“I love your green shorts.
They look hot on your body.
Your fan, Melissa.”

7)
“Water is so great,”
Said young Namor to his mom.
“But it needs more chairs.”

6)
“Invade the surface!
Crush and destroy their buildings!
But don’t punch babies!”

5)
Namor owes Ben cash.
He lost it playing poker
Doesn’t plan to pay.

4)
An amphibian!
Namor uses gills to breathe.
But he breathes air too.

3)
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.
Bulletproof. No suicide.
That makes Namor cry.

2)
Go to Riverdale!
Meet Archie, Betty, Jughead!
But not King Namor!

1)
Holy Mackerel!
Namor doesn’t worship fish.
They don’t worship him.