Super Sunday: Some Non-New Characters

Because it is the holidays, and I feel like doing something different, I am giving myself the present of world-building.Today I do not give sketches of new characters, but characters who have appeared in minor capacities elsewhere on this site that I am now going to flesh out more.

Dr. Greenclothes

Dr. Greenclothes is his world’s foremost scientific mind. He is also an exceptionally badass adventurer. Always expanding the horizons of his knowledge, Greenclothes has delved into trap-filled ancient tombs, fought aliens on other worlds, mentally communicated with minds in other realities, and much more. He doesn’t plan on stopping his search for truths until someone sufficiently badass can stop him.

Doctor Greenclothes appeared in this comic here. I still vividly remember that strip’s creation. It was like “I want to draw something. I’ll make a head, draw some clothes, okay those are green clothes. Who would wear green clothes? Dr. Greenclothes, of course. What would be be doing? Public service announcement? Okay…” and so on. As you can see, he came into shape as if his existence was just a given. I took that as a sign that he was important, so he got a cameo mention thing in one page of a Hover Head story and he will return if I ever get around to doing more HH stuff.

Timelion

Metaphorically, it all starts in the Beginning. If we consider Time as a river, the Beginning is the waterfall from which it flows. Next to this symbolic waterfall is a castle. That castle was where the Timelion lived. Symbolically. Timelion was king of the Time Jungles, and was a just king, but one day, the Timelion’s evil brother, the Timevulture, overthrew him. They fought on the roof of the castle, the Timelion losing when he was kicked off the roof, and into the river below.

The Timelion then had to deal with existing. Once he was in the timestream, he was no longer an idea, but an actual solid thing. Shaped into the form of a man-lion by the stories told about him, he now has no way to return to his metaphorical Beginnings. Luckily, some of his loyal followers have followed him into reality in a Timeship called the Moment’s Notice. The Timelion now travels through the ages seeking some way to wrest time from his wicked brother’s control, having all sorts of adventures along the way.

Timelion first appeared here. Unlike Greenclothes, where I the character appeared and I built him up in my head, Timelion was a more thought-out idea that I decided to introduce in a stupidly minor form because that is the sort of thing that amuses me to do. Admittedly, Timelion stories are pretty low on my priorities list.

Speedfeet

In Hell, life kinda sucks.

One particular demon hated it there, and made no secret of it. He lodged formal complaints, and tried to start petitions to get things changed. His whining got on everyone’s nerves, though some agreed with him deep down. Eventually the demon in question decided to take matters into his own hands and liven up the place with some plants. Pretty soon after that, he was kicked out. Using all of his mystical energies, the demon became Speedfeet, approximating the human form as best he could. He came to Earth to find a more fulfilling life. Turns out, that’s a lot easier on Earth than it is in Hell. After making a friend in Joe Gamolli, Speedfeet now runs a mildly successful flower shop.

Speedfeet was introduced in a strange Christmas story I whipped up in the Contains2 days. I don’t expect I’ll need to tell more stories with the character, but for world-building reasons, I am noting that he, and Joe Gamolli, are present on the same world as Mythologikelly.

C.W.

C.W. is a Fundroon. Fundroons are an alien race of shapeshifters. C.W. tends to forget he can change his shape, because he is a lot more happy just shooting.

Leaving his homeworld at a pretty early age, C.W. was attracted to the Space Army by his love of weapons. The Space Army, a pangalactic agency that welcomed beings from all worlds and species, stationed C.W. on their proud flagship, the name of which would embarrassingly be translated into English as “The Stinky Saucer”. Many adventures were had, but when the Space Army had successfully mapped out the entire universe and created a mostly-lasting peace, the Stinky Saucer and its crew were given a much-needed chance to rest. C.W. drifted back into civilian life, but never really knew what to do with himself. Still considering guns his favorite thing, he became a thug for hire, working bodyguard jobs and doing private eye gigs. Eventually, though, he got a call from his former captain, Farniconigon, who had a new mission for him. A mission that could bring him… to Earth.

C.W. was, for some reason unknown to me, the character in my Space Army comics who had most stuck with me. We haven’t seen the last of this guy if I can help it.

Now that Colbert is over, maybe they could let us watch his site in Canada please?

Beekeeper Review: Beorn

“He is a skin-changer: sometimes he is a huge black bear, sometimes he is a great strong black-haired man with huge arms and a great beard [. . .] He lives in an oak-wood and has a great wooden house; and as a man he keeps cattle and horses which are nearly as marvellous as himself. They work for him and talk to him. He does not eat them; neither does he hunt or eat wild animals. He keeps hives and hives of great fierce bees, and lives most on cream and honey. As a bear he ranges far and wide.”

That is Gandalf the Grey’s description of Beorn, today’s Beekeeper. Beorn is a character in the Hobbit, and there’s no getting around it: this is one awesome beekeeper. With such an open-and-shut case for beekeeper greatness, it’s a good chance for me to look at what I consider when I rate a apiarist.

First, there’s the general quality of their beekeeping skills. Beorn apparently keeps a large area of bee pastures, and his bees “were bigger than hornets. The drones were bigger than your thumb, a good deal, and the bands of yellow on their deep black bodies shone like fiery gold.” Whatever Beorn is doing, it’s working. He’s got healthy bees and plenty of ‘em. He also knows how to work with bee-products: he is noted as having “red beeswax candles” and he knows how to make “twice baked cakes that would keep good a long time, and on a little of which [one] could march far” with honey. He’s a good beekeeper.

Second, are they badass? A beekeeper needs to know how to fight. Today’s guy certainly is: “Beorn was a fierce enemy” the text tells us, and it sounds true: he is a “huge man with a thick black beard and hair, and great bare arms and legs with knotted muscles [and] a large ax.” But we can’t go too far into this element of beekeeper reviewing without brushing up against the next, because next…

Next comes the matter of supernatural powers. They don’t have to be actually “supernatural” in nature, they can be technologically based or whatever, but a great beekeeper needs something that sets it apart from mere mortals. For starters, Beorn can turn to a freaking bear. He’s apparently massive in both human and bear form, so he has the advantages of two separate powerful forms. It seems he prefers fighting in bear-form, though. Check out some quotes from the Battle of the Five Armies:

  • “But even with the Eagles they were still outnumbered. In that last hour Beorn himself had appeared – no one knew how or from where. He came alone, and in bear’s shape; and he seemed to have grown almost to giant-size in his wrath.”
  • “The roar of his voice was like drums and guns; and he tossed wolves and goblins from his path like straws and feathers.”
  • “[N]othing could withstand him, and no weapon seemed to bite upon him. He scattered the bodyguard, and pulled down Bolg himself and crushed him.”

Beorn essentially won that battle. But don’t go thinking that being a bear is Beorn’s only skill. He can also talk to animals, all types of animals, and they like him well enough that they help him out around the house. That’s a sweet deal.

The final element to consider is, how do they handle the Beekeeper Rage? It’s a constant problem and Beorn is no exception. Before dropping in for their unannounced visit, Gandalf warns his comrades: “He can be appalling when he is angry, though he is kind enough if humoured. Still I warn you he gets angry easily.” And that’s how it is. He is angry, but if you can get past it, he is a pretty good guy. At first he doesn’t trust the protagonists, since they are strangers to him, but once he checks out their story “Beorn was most jolly for a change; indeed he seemed to be in a splendidly good humour and set them all laughing with his funny stories.” It is Beorn’s good luck that he exists in a fantasy world in which objectively evil people exist, so he can channel his Beekeeper Rage into mostly productive areas like Goblin removal.

So that’s it. I, as an expert, am able to give or take some ratings based on certain intangible qualities, my gut instincts or just a “certain something” that a character may possess, but the above metric is the most reliable way to tell how good a beekeeper is. So where does that leave us with Beorn?

“Beorn indeed became a great chief afterward in those regions and ruled a wide land between the mountains and the wood; and it is said that for many generations the men of his line had the power of taking bear’s shape, and some were grim men and bad, but most were in heart like Beorn, if less in size and strength. In their day the last goblins were hunted from the Misty Mountains and a new peace came over the edge of the Wild.”

Holy smokes.

Five Honeycombs out of Five. He’s top of the line.