I’ve complained about linear time being too fast for my liking and I’ve complained about not having anything interesting to write about. Those are my standard things I blame not writing here more on. Today I’m gonna blame something else: I was abducted by aliens. It isn’t necessarily true, but it’s good to have some variety in my excuses.

There were a couple questionnaires in the newspaper today. One for how depressed you are, one for how stressed out you are. According to the stress one, I’m living a good life. According to the depression one, I should be seeking medical help. Sounds about like I suspected.

Haiku!

Aboard the spaceship.
All the aliens were sad.
They had no robots.

The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. That’s what I’m listening to right now. Good song. One of my favorites probably. I remember I looked it up on the Wikipedia once and it said it was supposed to be about the way the nation felt after JFK was shot, but it doesn’t sound right to me. If I were to pick my meaning, I would say it sounds more like a warning against people letting their interactions become hollow and meaningless.

But all of that and I still get the words mixed up in my head and replace them with “‘Your exploits have been sad and boring. They tell a tale that’s worth ignoring. When you’re alone, the words of your story will echo down the resthome hall” from the Simpsons. Ah the Simpsons. Good stuff.

Uh… Let’s see…

I guess that I am happy that I had an extra day off this weekend. Granted I will have an extra day of work this week as well, but I’ll complain about that when the time comes.

In other news, I am fairly certain that I have become a conductor for alien transmissions to be sent to the planet Planet Earth. This explains why I always make noises vocally. This is the only explanation. It is interesting to note that the aliens speak fluent English and generally don’t have anything to say beyond what I was going to say anyway. But it is still an honor to be so vital to human history.

And finally I must begrudge the fact we have so much more snow than we did at this time than last year. As a noted fan of not-snow, I will consider this my official complaint for the time being. The snow does act as a reminder that I need some new shoes, though.

Since I wrote this up to explain to someone else, I might as well use it here as well. This is the dream from which I am recently awakening:

“Well, I was on a bus. A bus only for superhumans and I was a Skrull who looked human. I, and who ever I was with (a man visually based on Coop from Megas XLR, who was also a Superhero but not a Skrull). We were riding the bus across town while I was trying to put up with the driver who kept complaining about Skrulls and “Coop” tried to keep me calm. I changed my shirt from Orange to Green in the hopes this would keep me noticing I was a Skrull (How that works, I don’t know, but it was the only shape changing I successfully did the whole dream. I did spend much time considering getting off the bus and flying home but I was sure I couldn’t remember how to shapeshift into a bird.)

As the ride continued, the other superhumans kept picking fights with us one at a time and the driver would always slow down to let us throw off those we defeated. He was starting to get to like us and was going to put a good word in for us (With whom? Unknown) until as we cross the bridge that led to our stop I was attacked by two guys and beat them up. The driver revealed that one of those two was his father. I asked how that was possible since they were both younger than him, but he just kicked us off the bus (we were now at our stop anyhow).

It seemed good until the bus driver must have changed his mind and the bus started coming after us. We ran (I tried to turn into a bush to hide, but could not remember how to do so). We saw the driver get off the bus with three men I recognized as Mr. White, Mr. Blue and Mr. Black (each had an AK-47 in their color) and they were chasing us. But Mr. Blue was secretly on our side and helped me beat Mr. White and the driver, then we talked Mr. Black into joining us too. The Four of us returned to the bus and our victory somehow activated our Transformer powers. “Coop” became Optimus Prime and had the voice and everything.

And I… still didn’t know how to transform even though I was now two species of shapechangers.”

This week there was a riddle in the newspaper that asked “How many times can you subtract five from twenty-five” and gave the answer as being once, because then you were subtracting from twenty and so on.

I disagree. I think you can subtract it as many times as you damn well please. Look:

25 – 5 = 20

25 – 5 = 20

25 – 5 = 20

25 – 5 = 20

25 – 5 = 20

25 – 5 = 20

I could go on all night. But since I don’t like math, I ain’t gonna.

I have begun saving up to go on a trip to London. I am not smart enough to go alone, though. I just don’t have anyone to go with. It makes me sad. I’m sad a lot.

In other news, I am now being monitored by aliens. They are spying on me through plant life. But it’s cool. They’re not insidious. They’re just really bored.a

So today I had the good luck to stand in line in front of some loud complainy women at the Superstore who vehemently cursed any employee who wasn’t in the process of opening another lane so they could be done quicker. If they cared as much about the existence of entire nations filled with disease, famine and poverty (in the twenty-first century!) as they did about spending three minutes in a line to buy a handful of the plentiful food we have here, I’d be a less bitter person.

But anyway, I’m going to leave you with a picture for a change: