SecGov Robots:

So, yeah, “chew” is a dirty word now. Please use acceptable terms in polite company such as “bite”, “gnaw”, or “masticate”.

That may be it for SecGov Robots for the year. I’m trying to get something else done and it will take prescience. (Technically I have a few “emergency SecGov strips” done that I could put up, but I don’t want to lose those yet.)

Phone Guys:

I had a dream I was back in New York last week. It was pretty sweet. So anyway, here’s some more memories of my trip there in November:

Around Central Park, some guy came up to me and told me he was selling a CD he’d made. I figured, hey, I could give that to Marq, I could. He’s the type of guy what would be interested in music stuff some random guy came up with (Kiiip meanwhile got a keychain with a sexy fireman). Anyway, here is what the album cover looked like:

So anyway, I paid five or seven bucks (I don’t remember which) and that was that. Eventually I came home and since I didn’t see Marq for like a month after my return, the CD just sat on my filing cabinet innocently. Then, when I finally do see him and give it to him, he tries it and finds out that it is way blank. It’s a blank CD. Guy is totally just scamming folk into buying a blank CD.

It’s a brilliant scheme, really. Buy a stack of CDs, throw some album cover on there and tell people you made some music. But what really makes it work is the bizarre and even confusing level of detail. The fact that he threw a twitter address on there? That’s awesome. The adorable little kid holding something (a cucumber?) and apparently having been awarded second place in some event (cucumber championship?) is also pleasing because of how nonsensical it was. And the fact it is labelled “Part 2” (or is that Part 0.2?). It is so much detail for a completely pointless cover. You could get as much of an effect with an album cover consisting of white text on a black background, probably, but this guy went above and beyond.

I can even forgive “alot” being one word and “N” being used for “and”. The whole money-grubbing theme of the title, which I had considered unfortunate at first, makes perfect sense as part of the scam. Basically, I’m saying, this being a scam is probably a far better present for Marq than an actual CD would have been.

The only drawback I can see is that maybe he will make people less trusting of actual people trying to sell actual music they’ve actually made. But y’know what? Screw those guys. They should stop trying to live their dream and get jobs that will help society. Like selling neckties or something.

Anyway, while I’m on the topic of my trip, I remembered something else that occurred while I was in New York. It goes a little something like a this:

I was at FAO Schwartz (the toy store where Big danced on a big keyboard) and I saw massive Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for sale. Like, huge. When I picked it up, it was heavier than a hardcover phone book. It was two cups, each the size of one of those frozen chicken pies they have at the grocery store. So, I saw these and I was like “I’m buying that thing and I’m going to eat it with my mouth!” so I took it and when I got to the register I was told it would cost like TWENTY-FIVE Dollars!!! (!) Now, I ask you. What is the real scam here, that guy selling the fake album, or candy so prohibitively expensive that it makes any hatred that poor countries feel toward us entirely justified?

Anyway, I still bought it of course. The day that I got it, one of them was the only thing I ate, it filled me so much. It was deliciously disgusting. If you ever want to cure someone of a Reese addiction, force them to eat one of those. By the end of that first cup, I never wanted to eat another item of food in my life. With the second cup I took my time and it lasted a couple more days and didn’t make me hate myself as much. So twenty-five bucks is one expensive candy, but it did last three days. Weigh the options and see which is more important to you. I think I can only give Giant Reese’s Cups Three out of Six Pieces of PDR’s Reviewing System Cake, because that’s about a perfect representation of their balance between horrible and wonderful.

It may seem hard to believe, but once upon a time there was something called black people. For a while black people were having a pretty rough time in America. White people there were pretty rude to them. It was so bad that some of them thought “Hey, we oughtta go to Canada! Things might be a bit better off there.” But some white people in America decided they’d rather the black people didn’t leave, so the black people had to do it secretively.

This particular “Canada Sure Is Great” Commercial plays up how some black people actually preferred Canada over a country where they were slaves! Wow! If that’s not impressive, what is? Okay, sure, if you want to be technical (and I never do), it isn’t about how they liked Canada better, it’s about how Canada offered them their freedom and some Canadians actually worked to help them get there, and even I have to admit, that is the sort of thing that should be celebrated, I guess.

As for the actual plot, this one is about Liza, a recent smugglee into Canada, who is worried that her father is running late and she pessimistically assumes he has been captured even as her brother offers hard scientific rebuttals like “He’s our Pa, he’ll be here!” Anyway, just as Liza gets so fed up that she apparently plans to run into America and kick Every Ass until she finds her Pa, he turns up, hidden in a church pew or something, none the worse for wear and everybody is happy! A pretty simplistic story, meant more to show the emotional turmoil of the fleeing slaves, rather than give any specific historic details.

A few minor things: I love how Liza is out the door before the White Lady even seems to realize she’s run off. It’s like “No more prayin’!” *Liza runs away* *Three Full Seconds Pass* “Liza!” and I love it. Liza’s brother and the way he nervously plays with his hat for basically the whole commercial, meanwhile, is really endearing to me. Finally (and most inanely), there’s something about the way Pa crawls out of his hiding place that seems awkward to me. I can’t really explain it, I don’t think. It just looks uncomfortable the way he’s using his lower arm to pull himself out instead of exiting upper arm first, coming almost face down, and then he can push himself into a standing position. I mean, I’ve never spent a long period of time in a hollowed out pew that I can remember, so I don’t know how I’d actually behave in the situation (and I guess he needs to be in that position to see Liza first), but it just doesn’t look right to me. Clearly this is such a bizarre and trivial comment, I’ve not let it affect my final scoring at all.

This one isn’t great for fun quotes. Shouting “Pa ain’t gonna make it!” could, with some effort, be used for fun, but there’s nothing that sticks in the brain and begs to be spouted incessantly. I can only give out Three And A Half out of Six Pieces of PDR’s Reviewing System Cake for this one, I think. In related news, I will probably never be able to hear the term “Underground Railroad” without my mind first visualizing a literal railway system hidden in tunnels from the States to Canada. Little Me made his mind up that that is what it was, and my mind just won’t let it go.

Who wants more poorly drawn fight scene? Well, we’ve got some of that:

I can assure you that the fact that Jason Dante’s mask has changed color since last time is a result of him switching to some different combat mode, not simply a mistake that I didn’t notice until it was too late. I… assure. you…

Also, some kind of thing about guys on phones: