Beekeeper Review: Barbie Millicent Roberts

Barbie has been a beekeeper. Of course she has. This should surprise nobody. Barbie is, perhaps, the person to master the most varied collection of skills in the world. She makes Batman look like a slacker. So she’s a beekeeper. But how Beekeeper is she?

Well, one of the great advantages of beekeeping is that it allows time for other pursuits. Beekeepers can climb the world’s highest mountains or make discoveries that will form the science of genetics and still be beekeepers. Beekeepers love to multi-task. But I feel like, if anything, Barbie has stretched herself too thin across her various occupations. I feel like she’s never really sat down and focused on her beekeeping.

So here I hit a fork in the road. Is Barbie a woman who does everything, including beekeeping, or is she a beekeeper who does everything else as well? Sadly, I think it’s the former. It’s a shame, because as far as I’ve been able to suss out, Barbie has no problem with Beekeeper Rage, and the fact she’s served in the military (as evidenced by various other toys) suggests she has combat skills. There’s definitely media out there about Barbie solving mysteries. I’d bet there’s even Barbie tales in which she has supernatural powers. She has everything I want in a beekeeper, but not enough beekeeping.

Three Honeycombs out of Five.

This has got to be the highest a Beekeeper can rank without actually dedicating their life to it.

A Canadian Boat Went Fast This One Time

Today’s Canada Heritage Thing is about the Bluenose, a boat that was as fast as the speed at which this Heritage Minutes leaves my brain. I am sure that I’ve seen it a lot of times, but apart from the music, I would have believed you if you told me it was one of those new ones that I didn’t grow up with. And even the music I probably know from somewhere else. Maybe if the phrase “Angus should never have agreed to this last race, she’s too old” could be used more often in everyday life I’d have remembered it.

And maybe this is sacrilege for a Nova Scotian to say, but I don’t actually care that there was a fast boat? Is that just me?

Two out of Six Pieces of PDR’s Reviewing System Cake.

Beekeeper Review: Gutierrez

Today’s beekeeper is the famous Gutierrez, best known as Andy Richter’s personal beekeeper. Okay, “famous” may be overstating it. Even “known” is not quite accurate. Actually, this is probably as obscure as any beekeeper review could possibly get.

It’s like this: One time on Conan O’Brien’s show in the 90s, they were doing a bit in which Andy Richter was hiding. Gutierrez was one of numerous people who were said to not know where Andy was. That’s it. That’s all we’ve got. He just shrugged and the camera moved on. Conan even stopped to comment on how much budget was probably wasted on the costume for such a stupid moment.

But now to review him: Conan says “He’s clueless, Gutierrez” but that’s only regarding his knowledge about where Andy is at that given moment. He’s probably good at the beekeeping. He’s a professional, after all. And that’s enough for now.

Two Honeycombs out of Five.

Gutierrez’s most important Beekeeper Power is the ability to be easily reviewed in about twenty minutes so that I can get a Review up before this month’s deadline without having to read a whole book or something. Thanks, Gutierrez!

Beekeeper Review: Peter W

Peter is a self-described “Experienced Apiarist (Beekeeper)” and he’s one of the stars of Deadpool 2, a movie that is in theatres even as I write this. This is as fresh as a Beekeeper Review can get.

In the movie, the wisecracking mercenary Deadpool puts out an ad to assemble a team of super-powered individuals for a dangerous mission, a group that would become known as X-Force. Though he doesn’t have any powers, Peter saw the ad and decided he’d try out for the team, just to help out and have an adventure.

He also maintains a presence on social media, though I don’t know how long that will last now that the movie as come and gone.

So how about the review. How much of an action hero is our Peter? Well, without getting into spoilers, I’ll say that he holds his own alongside the rest of the team, and even outperforms most of them. He may have a weakness against swans, but he’s got bees on his side and treats them, and animals in general, with respect. Apart from that, he seems like a good guy who has not given in to Beekeeper Rage, and genuinely wants to help out his team. Overall, pretty good.

Three Honeycombs out of Five.

Canadian Is Poet, Doesn’t Know It

Today’s Heritage Monument is about the creation of the poem In Flander’s Field. A WWI doctor, John McCrae, is bummed about that whole war thing and people dying and such, so he writes a poem. He then hands it to some guy and claims he doesn’t know what it is. It’s weird. The poem’s Wikipedia page does say that “[a]ccording to legend, fellow soldiers retrieved the poem after McCrae, initially dissatisfied with his work, discarded it” but in this commercial McCrae doesn’t discard it, he hands it to this one guy. If he was discarding it, he’d surely rip it out of the book or something. Is this guy McCrae’s personal whole book discarder? Did they have those yet, or were they invented in WWII?

There is something to be said for the idea that McCrae was overcome by some muse, created his poem, and barely realized what he’d done. I dunno. That’s the best I can manage in explaining this. I have nothing else to add.

This one gets only Two and a Half Pieces of PDR’s Reviewing System Cake. The only quotable thing about it is the thing it is quoting.