It has been a long, long time since PDR flexed his poetry muscles. Here’s some poems, you crotchbrains:

I’ll kick it off with some haiku. To warm us up.

An old man in France
went to a zookeeper’s house.
They talked about cows.

Your eyes are on fire!
Dear god! Someone do something!
How did this happen?

Argax the Mighty!
He’s mighty and named Argax.
That is his whole deal.

And now some other poems:

The Leaves Will Soon Be Turning

The leaves will soon be turning
into vampires.
If you don’t protect yourself
you will expire.
Vampire leaves
hang from trees
like bats on the roof of a cave.
Beware at night
when they take flight
and try to send you to the grave.
The leaves will soon be turning
into vampires.
The only way to stop it is
forest fires.

Tom’s Day

Tom sat in a chair.
He was perfectly happy there.
Top was not standing
Nor sleeping at all.
He was just seated,
The chair preventing a fall.
Tom sat in his chair
and was perfectly happy there.

This Poem Is Going In Your Face

The words that make this poem
will invade your personal space,
by barging into your eyes
and being in your face.
There’s nothing you can do,
It’s much too late to stop it.
All of these syllables
are now in your eye sockets.
There’s no point in resistance.
You’ll find help in no place.
The invasion is now over.
This poem went in your face.

Okay, so, I should mention that yesterday I got a letter in the mail telling me that I am on the Dean’s List for my schoolings last year. The letter doesn’t give a good explanation of what exactly the Dean’s List is, or how one gets on it, but it uses the term “outstanding scholarly abilities” so I’m pretty sure that means I’m smarter than anyone who reads this. ANYONE.

Haiku!

Butts are on people.
Most people got butts on them.
People got the butts.

I am so smart! I AM SO SMART!!!

People sometimes forget that I am one of the world’s five greatest living poets (and one of the seven greatest dead ones). So here I present to you a Poetry Parade of haiku written about Namor the Sub-Mariner that date from the Contains2 days. All but the first ten of these were on secret pages, so I can even pretend like I’m presenting them for the first time. Here you go:

Top Ten Haikus About Namor
Sunday 03 August 2003:

10)
Wing-fins on his feet
Good swimming abilities
And a green speedo.

9)
Namor cries a lot
How come? He has a sad life.
He likes comfort foods.

8)
King of Atlantis
But never King of the World
Also, not a bride

7)
Eating out one night
Namor ordered some sushi.
Thus he ate his arm.

6)
He’s like Aqua-Shaft.
Or perhaps more like a kind
of Scuba-Rambo.

5)
Namor knows the Hulk
Hulk likes to Call him ‘Fish-Man’
This makes Namor cry.

4)
What do pointy ears
Have to do with living in
the deep blue ocean?

3)
He is bulletproof
But not immune to slander
So watch your fool mouth

2)
He may look like Spock
But Namor is no Vulcan
Vulcans don’t swim good.

1)
The Sub-Mariner.
That’s what they call him up here.
Below sea, they don’t.

Ten More Haikus about Namor!
Sunday 28 September 2003:

10)
Amnesiac Bum
He had a beard and no home
But he got better.

9)
Namor should get SARS.
Then people would talk ’bout him.
Which they should do more.

8)
Atlantis is wet.
The people there are wet too.
They can’t wear suede there.

7)
Namor has villains.
Tiger Shark… Krang… Attuma…
They are all zeroes.

6)
See that fish? The trout.
That trout thinks Namor is dumb.
That makes Namor cry.

5)
Namor don’t like fire.
It makes him dry out. That hurts.
He should moisturize.

4)
Namor’s email is
Underwater_superguy
@fishguy.com

3)
Aquaman just sucks.
When compared to ol’ Namor.
Or anyone else.

2)
Namor’s hair is black.
His head is flat and stupid.
He should wear a hat.

1)
Do not beat him up.
He lives a hard life as king.
You’d just make it worse.

Another Ten Haikus About Namor
Saturday 08 November 2003:

10)
His name is Namor.
Backwards his name is Roman.
That’s kinda fishy

9)
He can punch so hard
That it shatters walls of stone.
He thinks that is great.

8)
Namor went to Mars.
He met an alien fish.
Didn’t even care.

7)
One time, Namor said:
“I’m gonna conquer the world.”
But he hasn’t yet.

6)
Namor watches golf.
Though he won’t admit to it.
It is his secret.

5)
Atlantis had ghosts.
Namor probably fought them
Or paid them to leave.

4)
He has no fish tail.
Unlike the mermaids of myth.
That makes Namor cry.

3)
Daddy, who is that?
That’s Namor! He is the King.
He ain’t got no class!

2)
During Would War Two
Namor helped fight the Axis.
He knows Nazis suck.

1)
Turtles don’t like him.
They only like shelled heroes.
That makes Namor cry.

Yet Another Ten Haikus about Namor
Saturday 08 November 2003:

10)
In days long ago,
When Namor was but a lad,
He would get beat up.

9)
Say “Suffering Shad!”
A far better catch phrase than
“Imperious Rex!”

8)
He won’t admit it,
But Namor still dries his bed.
How embarrasing.

7)
I’m Biff. I’m real big.
I stole Namor’s lunch money.
Namor then cried hard.

6)
Call her She-Namor!
She also has winged feet.
She’s Namorita!

5)
Would you punch the Hulk?
The King of Atlantis would.
Is he brave or dumb?

4)
“Eat fish for supper.”
Says Namor on the TV.
“Buy from Atlantis.”

3)
Heh. Namor got punched.
Punched right in his stupid face.
That’ll show the jerk.

2)
Who’s Namorita?
Why, a female clone, of course.
Of Namor, that is.

1)
Namor’s bicycle?
He says it is a good one.
But he just plain lies.

More Namor Haikus. Ten of them.
Monday 08 December 2003:

10)
Namor is the King!
His subjects think he is cool.
They are right, of course.

9)
Namor’s feet have wings.
These wings are like fins. Then some.
He can swim and fly.

8)
The Fantastic Four.
Namor has a crush on one.
And it ain’t Ben Grimm.

7)
Sometimes he gets sad.
He misses being a bum.
Namor liked those days.

6)
At a Stones concert.
Namor started a big fight.
He said they were old.

5)
Namor was at home.
In the city, Atlantis.
Pretty boring night.

4)
Dude! Did you hear this?
What? Is it about Namor?
Yeah! He’s got no car!

3)
Rocket Robin-Hood.
He is not Namor at all.
He gets no haiku.

2)
Hulk said “Hey, Fish-Man!”
Namor said “What, you moron?”
Hulk: “I miss my bike.”

1)
Namor in the house
(The house is filled with water)
Now the party starts!

Namor Haikus! Will It Never End?
Tuesday 20 January 2004:

10)
A Mech-Crab cometh!
It’s part of Namor’s army.
It can pinch and hurt.

9)
Namor McKenzie.
Half-human and half fishman.
He don’t wear a shirt.

8)
“Atlantis is home”
Says Namor to his allies.
“But New York has beer.”

7)
Namor got yelled at.
Some guy called him a fascist.
This made Namor cry.

6)
It’s different now.
He yells “Imperious Rex!”
Not “Sufferin’ Shad!”

5)
“Sue Storm is so hot!”
Thought Namor when he saw her.
“Too bad I’m kelp-brained.”

4)
Some fat kid was there.
Namor didn’t know why though.
The kid was just bored.

3)
Namor cut his hand,
One day as he combed his hair.
Cut it on his ear.

2)
Namor likes Haikus.
He writes them about himself.
And puts them online.

1)
It’s an adventure!
Namor is fighting a bear!
Oh, what zany fun!

Did Someone Say Haikus About Namor?
Sunday 11 April 2004:

10)
Flat head, foot wings, butt.
They’re Namor’s ingredients.
Now just add water.

9)
Namor likes a song.
It’s the one called Rock Lobster.
He rocks out to it.

8)
Namor, the Movie.
Starring someone as Namor.
And someone as fish.

7)
I like comic books.
I wonder what Namor likes?
Fish fish fish fish fish.

6)
A homemade “jeep” car.
Namor had one. Was yellow.
Drove it for a while.

5)
Atlantean folk.
That’s the people Namor rules.
They’re subservient.

4)
They’re the Defenders!
Hulk! Namor! Doc Strange! Others…
They’re mostly heroes.

3)
Namor’s a monarch.
But he still can’t afford pants.
That makes Namor cry.

2)
Hey, can you see that?
Looks like Namor McKenzie!
I hear he smells bad.

1)
Nineteen-Thirty-Nine
Namor shows up on the scene.
He does not wear much.

Two Times Five Haikus On The Topic Of Namor
Friday 03 December 2004

10)
Hulk isn’t in town?
The Sub-Mariner will do.
Thus, Namor finds work.

9)
It is Halloween.
Namor wears a Spidey mask.
Spidey goes topless.

8)
“I love your green shorts.
They look hot on your body.
Your fan, Melissa.”

7)
“Water is so great,”
Said young Namor to his mom.
“But it needs more chairs.”

6)
“Invade the surface!
Crush and destroy their buildings!
But don’t punch babies!”

5)
Namor owes Ben cash.
He lost it playing poker
Doesn’t plan to pay.

4)
An amphibian!
Namor uses gills to breathe.
But he breathes air too.

3)
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.
Bulletproof. No suicide.
That makes Namor cry.

2)
Go to Riverdale!
Meet Archie, Betty, Jughead!
But not King Namor!

1)
Holy Mackerel!
Namor doesn’t worship fish.
They don’t worship him.

Now that I’m travelling to various locations around the city for work, and riding various elevators, I’m noticing something: Most elevators don’t have cameras in them. The elevators of my own building have had cameras for most, if not all, of the time I have lived here. I have a tendency to talk to them when I’m riding, for my own amusement. Now that I’m in all these other buildings and I don’t get to do that, riding in elevators has become sad and lonely. If I can’t mug for a camera, how am I supposed to spend my time? Not being weird? Psh.

Haiku!

A watermelon
is coming to my table.
It will not leave whole.

Since I am confident that everyone everywhere is curious for updates on my shaving situation, here’s the scoop: The Three-Blade Razor I was using at last report has turned out to suck. The blades seem to have dulled after not even a month of usage (shaving about once a week), which does not compare well to the actual disposable razors I’d been using for some time prior, which got through at least as much time without giving me problems. I haven’t thrown out the three-blader just yet, because I might be able to get more use from it, but I did open up the fabled five-blader to finish off the half of my face when the three-blader couldn’t cut it. I don’t feel justified giving a review to the five-blader until it does a full face-job, but it looks good so far. And if its blades can endure, five blades may be the next thing PDR is willing to endorse.

In other news related to PDR’s jaw, my jaw has been sore all day since I woke up. My theories are thus: Either I slept on it funny, or I was attacked and punched in the face by some manner of Dream Demon. In the more likely case, the latter, the fact that I only suffer a sore jaw proves that I bested the Dream Demon because I am kickass awesome.

I wrote an exam tonight. Only three left. I’m sure I’ve already said this, but I don’t like exams. They’re my least favorite part of school, and they’re all I gots left. One thing, though, I think that my chronic procrastination during the school year has made me a little better of whipping together an essay on the spot during an exam. I’m not saying I did particularly well (I need more than an hour to write a decent essay), but I did better than I might have without a year of procrastinatory practice.

Anyway, a new thing to add to my list of things I’d do if I were rich: Take classes at university and just not show up to the exams because I don’t even care because I’m rich.

Haiku!

The king has been born.
Long live the king! Three years pass:
The king is a jerk.

In other news, I have watched Game of Thrones. I watched it. Are you happy now society? I said I’d watch it and I did. Now I only have about a million other super hit shows that I am supposed to catch up on.

In other other news, it is snowing outside. What the chunks! Stop that!

In still other other news, my apartment building has this chute by the elevator down which we are to dump garbage bags. Recyclables and compost and stuff goes down to the basement, but garbage bags go down the chute. It is pretty conventient. But as of Monday that chute will no longer be in use. The garbage has to go down to the basement too. It’s not really that inconvenient, I still don’t have to worry about “garbage day” like some chump homeowner, but I will miss the chute.