Patrick’s Poetry Parade: Namor Edition.

People sometimes forget that I am one of the world’s five greatest living poets (and one of the seven greatest dead ones). So here I present to you a Poetry Parade of haiku written about Namor the Sub-Mariner that date from the Contains2 days. All but the first ten of these were on secret pages, so I can even pretend like I’m presenting them for the first time. Here you go:

Top Ten Haikus About Namor
Sunday 03 August 2003:

10)
Wing-fins on his feet
Good swimming abilities
And a green speedo.

9)
Namor cries a lot
How come? He has a sad life.
He likes comfort foods.

8)
King of Atlantis
But never King of the World
Also, not a bride

7)
Eating out one night
Namor ordered some sushi.
Thus he ate his arm.

6)
He’s like Aqua-Shaft.
Or perhaps more like a kind
of Scuba-Rambo.

5)
Namor knows the Hulk
Hulk likes to Call him ‘Fish-Man’
This makes Namor cry.

4)
What do pointy ears
Have to do with living in
the deep blue ocean?

3)
He is bulletproof
But not immune to slander
So watch your fool mouth

2)
He may look like Spock
But Namor is no Vulcan
Vulcans don’t swim good.

1)
The Sub-Mariner.
That’s what they call him up here.
Below sea, they don’t.

Ten More Haikus about Namor!
Sunday 28 September 2003:

10)
Amnesiac Bum
He had a beard and no home
But he got better.

9)
Namor should get SARS.
Then people would talk ’bout him.
Which they should do more.

8)
Atlantis is wet.
The people there are wet too.
They can’t wear suede there.

7)
Namor has villains.
Tiger Shark… Krang… Attuma…
They are all zeroes.

6)
See that fish? The trout.
That trout thinks Namor is dumb.
That makes Namor cry.

5)
Namor don’t like fire.
It makes him dry out. That hurts.
He should moisturize.

4)
Namor’s email is
Underwater_superguy
@fishguy.com

3)
Aquaman just sucks.
When compared to ol’ Namor.
Or anyone else.

2)
Namor’s hair is black.
His head is flat and stupid.
He should wear a hat.

1)
Do not beat him up.
He lives a hard life as king.
You’d just make it worse.

Another Ten Haikus About Namor
Saturday 08 November 2003:

10)
His name is Namor.
Backwards his name is Roman.
That’s kinda fishy

9)
He can punch so hard
That it shatters walls of stone.
He thinks that is great.

8)
Namor went to Mars.
He met an alien fish.
Didn’t even care.

7)
One time, Namor said:
“I’m gonna conquer the world.”
But he hasn’t yet.

6)
Namor watches golf.
Though he won’t admit to it.
It is his secret.

5)
Atlantis had ghosts.
Namor probably fought them
Or paid them to leave.

4)
He has no fish tail.
Unlike the mermaids of myth.
That makes Namor cry.

3)
Daddy, who is that?
That’s Namor! He is the King.
He ain’t got no class!

2)
During Would War Two
Namor helped fight the Axis.
He knows Nazis suck.

1)
Turtles don’t like him.
They only like shelled heroes.
That makes Namor cry.

Yet Another Ten Haikus about Namor
Saturday 08 November 2003:

10)
In days long ago,
When Namor was but a lad,
He would get beat up.

9)
Say “Suffering Shad!”
A far better catch phrase than
“Imperious Rex!”

8)
He won’t admit it,
But Namor still dries his bed.
How embarrasing.

7)
I’m Biff. I’m real big.
I stole Namor’s lunch money.
Namor then cried hard.

6)
Call her She-Namor!
She also has winged feet.
She’s Namorita!

5)
Would you punch the Hulk?
The King of Atlantis would.
Is he brave or dumb?

4)
“Eat fish for supper.”
Says Namor on the TV.
“Buy from Atlantis.”

3)
Heh. Namor got punched.
Punched right in his stupid face.
That’ll show the jerk.

2)
Who’s Namorita?
Why, a female clone, of course.
Of Namor, that is.

1)
Namor’s bicycle?
He says it is a good one.
But he just plain lies.

More Namor Haikus. Ten of them.
Monday 08 December 2003:

10)
Namor is the King!
His subjects think he is cool.
They are right, of course.

9)
Namor’s feet have wings.
These wings are like fins. Then some.
He can swim and fly.

8)
The Fantastic Four.
Namor has a crush on one.
And it ain’t Ben Grimm.

7)
Sometimes he gets sad.
He misses being a bum.
Namor liked those days.

6)
At a Stones concert.
Namor started a big fight.
He said they were old.

5)
Namor was at home.
In the city, Atlantis.
Pretty boring night.

4)
Dude! Did you hear this?
What? Is it about Namor?
Yeah! He’s got no car!

3)
Rocket Robin-Hood.
He is not Namor at all.
He gets no haiku.

2)
Hulk said “Hey, Fish-Man!”
Namor said “What, you moron?”
Hulk: “I miss my bike.”

1)
Namor in the house
(The house is filled with water)
Now the party starts!

Namor Haikus! Will It Never End?
Tuesday 20 January 2004:

10)
A Mech-Crab cometh!
It’s part of Namor’s army.
It can pinch and hurt.

9)
Namor McKenzie.
Half-human and half fishman.
He don’t wear a shirt.

8)
“Atlantis is home”
Says Namor to his allies.
“But New York has beer.”

7)
Namor got yelled at.
Some guy called him a fascist.
This made Namor cry.

6)
It’s different now.
He yells “Imperious Rex!”
Not “Sufferin’ Shad!”

5)
“Sue Storm is so hot!”
Thought Namor when he saw her.
“Too bad I’m kelp-brained.”

4)
Some fat kid was there.
Namor didn’t know why though.
The kid was just bored.

3)
Namor cut his hand,
One day as he combed his hair.
Cut it on his ear.

2)
Namor likes Haikus.
He writes them about himself.
And puts them online.

1)
It’s an adventure!
Namor is fighting a bear!
Oh, what zany fun!

Did Someone Say Haikus About Namor?
Sunday 11 April 2004:

10)
Flat head, foot wings, butt.
They’re Namor’s ingredients.
Now just add water.

9)
Namor likes a song.
It’s the one called Rock Lobster.
He rocks out to it.

8)
Namor, the Movie.
Starring someone as Namor.
And someone as fish.

7)
I like comic books.
I wonder what Namor likes?
Fish fish fish fish fish.

6)
A homemade “jeep” car.
Namor had one. Was yellow.
Drove it for a while.

5)
Atlantean folk.
That’s the people Namor rules.
They’re subservient.

4)
They’re the Defenders!
Hulk! Namor! Doc Strange! Others…
They’re mostly heroes.

3)
Namor’s a monarch.
But he still can’t afford pants.
That makes Namor cry.

2)
Hey, can you see that?
Looks like Namor McKenzie!
I hear he smells bad.

1)
Nineteen-Thirty-Nine
Namor shows up on the scene.
He does not wear much.

Two Times Five Haikus On The Topic Of Namor
Friday 03 December 2004

10)
Hulk isn’t in town?
The Sub-Mariner will do.
Thus, Namor finds work.

9)
It is Halloween.
Namor wears a Spidey mask.
Spidey goes topless.

8)
“I love your green shorts.
They look hot on your body.
Your fan, Melissa.”

7)
“Water is so great,”
Said young Namor to his mom.
“But it needs more chairs.”

6)
“Invade the surface!
Crush and destroy their buildings!
But don’t punch babies!”

5)
Namor owes Ben cash.
He lost it playing poker
Doesn’t plan to pay.

4)
An amphibian!
Namor uses gills to breathe.
But he breathes air too.

3)
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.
Bulletproof. No suicide.
That makes Namor cry.

2)
Go to Riverdale!
Meet Archie, Betty, Jughead!
But not King Namor!

1)
Holy Mackerel!
Namor doesn’t worship fish.
They don’t worship him.

A Lost Episode of Star Trek

THE FROG OF FORTOSIA!

Kirk: Captain’s Log Stardate: Martin Luther King Jr. Day. We were continuing our five year mission to seek out new life and discover new civilizations today and we came across a planet. It could easily have life or civilization on it, so we’re going to check it out.

Kirk: Spock’s readings state that the planet is composed almost entirely of cardboard and styrofoam, meaning it is the same as every other planet we have discovered to date. I have decided to beam down an away team made up only of main characters, to avoid the death of random crew members.

And so, on the planet’s surface…

Kirk: Well, here we are, men. Let’s seek out that stuff we seek out.

Spock: It would seem we have all neglected to bring our tricorders. We will have to search the planet manually.

Bones: Your stupid Vulcan logic again, eh Spock?

Chekov: I am scared of the sky here.

Kirk: We’ll split up. If anyone finds new life, or maybe a civilization, let the others know.

And so the team split up and investigate.

Bones: Sure, split up. I’m stuck looking at this boring cavern while that dirty Vulcan gets to look at interesting stuff. I hate Vulcans. I wish I could just enslave them all. Yeah, that’d be nice. I could have a Vulcan mopping my floors and making my supper. That’d be…

Meanwhile, Captain Kirk finds something…

Kirk: Now what’s this? It looks like a frog. (into communicator) Hey guys, I found something.

Frogodes: I’m no mere frog! I am Frogodes! I am the omnipotent ruler of this world!

Frogodes: Now that you’re here, I think I’ll torture you with my vast powers for my own entertainment. Yeah. Maybe I’ll make you and one of your friends fight to the death. Or I could make one of you stand on another one’s face.

Chekov: Captain! What did you–?

Chekov: Ahhh! What’s that? I’ll shoot it!

Frogodes: I think you’ll find that your weapons are useless against me, fool.

Chekov: You’re right… But it still makes me feel like a real man to have it.

Kirk: Frogodes, you mustn’t do this. We are… explorers. We seek only to make peace with you.

Frogodes: Too bad! I’m omnipotent!

Frogodes: Watch as I pick a random low-ranking crewman from your ship and bring him here, dead!

Kirk: What?

Bones: It’s true, Jim. Dead.

Kirk: Dammit!

Bones: Consarn these omnipotent aliens! Just once I wish one of them would join the Federation! That’d make things easier for us. But no! They all have worse attitudes than a Gargiruian Catfish!

Meanwhile, back on the Starship Enterprise NCC-1701 of the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet.

Uhura: I just received a report from Deck Seven. One of the low-ranking crewmen just vanished.

Uhura: It’s almost like he was teleported away.

Sulu: Hey, wanna see me take off my shirt and do some sword-fighting?

Uhura: Not now.

Scotty: We’ll have time for that later, Sulu. Uhra call the Captain and tell him what happened.

Uhura: My name is “Uhura”, Mr. Scott.

Scotty: What? For real? What kind of name is that?

Uhura: What kind of name is Uhra?

Scotty: Geez, all these years I’ve known you and I didn’t even know your name. I feel like a bastard. I’ll be getting drunk because of that, I tell ya. Now, just call the captain.

Uhura: There’s some strange interference now, but I’ll work on it.

Scott: Well, work quick. We need the away team back here so Chekov can take out the garbage.

Back on the planet…

Frogodes: And so you see, you are helpless before me! I am your ruler!

Kirk: No… Not our ruler. Because of Free Will we will never be helpless against… tyrants like you. It is our job… our mission… to oppose the likes of you.

Frogodes: You said your mission was to seek out life and civilization.

Kirk: While opposing you on the side, yes.

Scotty (over communicator): Captain, we’ve got a situation up here.

Scotty: The garbage is piling up and I’m embarrassing myself in front of the bridge crew. Also, some guy disappeared. You should hurry up so I can get back down to engineering.

Kirk: Hang in there, Scotty. We’ve got problems too. You’ll have to give us twenty minutes or so.

Scotty: I’m not sure we can hold together that long, Sir.

Kirk: You’ll have to! Kirk out.

Chekov: But Captain, what can we do against such a supremely powerful being?

Q: Did someone say “Supremely Powerful Being?”

Chekov: What the Hell?

Frogodes: Q? What are you doing here?

Q: I’m all the omnipotent alien that this universe needs, Froggy. That’s why…

Q: You’re dead!

Kirk: Thank you for the help, stranger. If–

Q: Right, whatever. I just wanted the Frog’s treasure. Goodbye.

And so the away team returns to the ship.

Scotty: It sure took you guys a long time to get back. I feel like I’ve aged by decades from the stress of running this ship.

Chekov: What the hell is that? I’ll shoot it!

Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Research
Originally posted on Contains2 on Sunday January 30, 2005

Nearly A Decade Ago.

I wonder what I wrote on Contains2 on October 3 2002

I Can Finally Not Enjoy Life Again!

“I’m sure I’ll be employed again by October…”
– Patrick D Ryall, September 2001

I just didn’t realize that I meant October 2002. But I just got a job. So now the scales have turned and over half of Contains2 is employed. We’re somewhat less cool.

I’m going to be a flyer inserter. I don’t know what that entails exactly, but I’m going in with the attitude that it will suck hardcore, that way if it does, I’m right and if it’s actually pretty mediocre, it’s better than I thought. I’ll be working Tuesday to Fridays, so I’ve got three off, that’s good. I start at eight in the morning and go until we finish that day’s work apparently. I make six bucks an hour, which is leaps above what I’m making without a job.

And I start tomorrow, so I have to try to sleep tonight. This is gonna be very hard, because I have to get up about two hours (or less) after the time I’ve been getting to sleep for the last few months. O, woe is me.

But I’ll have money!

Oh, that’s what I wrote. I guess I should check out October 4 2002 as well.

The Lowdown on my Jay-Oh-Bee

Well, it doesn’t suck hardcore. It’s just mediocre. Whew. I basically just show up in the morning (way too early by my standards) and then they tell me what job I’m to do. I can be doing any number of things that result in grocery store flyers being taken from their boxes to the sorting machines, or from the sorting machines to a different box. It’s very, very easy and of course very boring. But they give me money, so I guess it’ll do for now.

Most importantly, I was given free earplugs. Score!

I’m amazed that I only had three hours of sleep yesterday, and I wasn’t only not tired at work, but I’m still not. Go being awake!

And now I’m watching the TV shows I taped while trying to fall asleep then. Oh, Stephen Colbert, you crack me up.

Oh, I see now. Say, I wonder why I’m looking up stuff about the start of my current employment situation.

PDR’s Controversial Beliefs: I like hearing about dreams

Something I’ve seen many times over the years over the years on television and the Internet is people saying that talking about one’s dreams makes one a bore. Basically what it all boils down to is the message that “Yeah, dreams are weird, we get it.” Well I hate to go against television and the Internet, but I am here to say that I totally like hearing about dreams. I often like hearing about dreams more than I like hearing about actual things that have happened to people.

Maybe somehow the complainers have just been so overwhelmed by descriptions of dreams that it has grown tiresome, but as someone who doesn’t do a whole lot of talking to people (and talking about dreams makes up such a small, small portion of that talking) this is not a problem for me. I love the surreality of dreams so much that my own occasionally remembered dreams are not enough to fill my interest. Hearing about good strangeness from the subconsciousnesses of others is the only way I can think to fill the void.

I’m not, however, one of those people who likes analyzing what the “symbols” in dreams mean. My dreams are typically so bizarre that I have doubt that any such meaning is in there. Plus, the oddness is what I like most about the dreams, so why ruin it?

With this in mind I’m going to repost something from the Contains2 era. Though the dream in question happened years earlier, I had discussed it often enough that the details were still fresh in my mind on Saturday 22 of June 2002 when I posted this:

The OJ Simpson Bus-Boat Dream

Okay, I had this dream once, years ago (I think it was in grade ten, so whichever year that was). I’ve had myself a lot of strange dreams (and it seems like 75% of them are set in malls, is there some sort of symbolism behind that?) but this dream is up there in it’s not being surreal, not just being wacky. I’ve told it to many people, and now I’m going to write it up here to prevent me from forgetting even more of it than I already have.

I don’t think it actually started at this point, but this is where my memories kick in:

I’m in my own house, and I’m a butler. I’m going through my various duties and I happen to look out my window. Just as it does in the real world the window has a view of the Atlantic Ocean. Out there, driving on the ocean at the horizon is a bus, which I immediately recognize as the OJ Simpson Bus-Boat. Not finding this at all strange, I go back to work.

But when I look out the window again, I see that the Bus-Boat has changed course. It’s heading directly for my house! I dive away from the window, and I hear the Bus-Boat crashing onto the area in front of my house.

Things get blurry right here again, but I think I talked to my parents for a few minutes about the Bus-Boat having crashed in front of our house. When my memory comes clear again…

A panoramic, birds-eye-view of the Bus-Boat (now that it is on land it’s a boat. A military ship actually, maybe even a carrier) as it is cordoned off by military personnel and helicopters circle it (military or media? I couldn’t tell you). It’s about the size that such a boat would really be, and takes up the length of my street (Himmelman Drive, Boy!). In the real world, the road is curved, but the boat manages just fine.

Things get blurry again and then me and a guy who I knew from school at the time are disguising ourselves as water deliverymen to sneak into the Bus-Boat. I don’t know what happened inside, but when we came out I had found a secret device: An Electric Arm!

I don’t think my memory is blurry here, I think the dream just skipped scenes and suddenly I was wearing the Electric Arm and leading a team of commandos or mercenaries or something. We’re fighting this ogre and he’s got us cornered on a winding staircase that has a big brass pole at its center. The ogre repeatedly charges at us and I hold him off by hitting him with the Electric Arm. Each time I strike the ogre numbers fly out of him and he moves back. Eventually we’re at the top of the stairs and the ogre is at the bottom resting against the brass pole. Brilliantly, I use my Electric Arm on the pole, sending a shock down and forcing the ogre to run away.

I think the dream went on, but that is all I can still remember. For a dream I had like six years ago, I think that’s pretty good. (Wow! I don’t even think I did the math wrong, I think it really has been six years since grade ten.)
If there is any meaning behind that dream, I certainly don’t get it.