Okay, so, the first SecGov page to be put up in the new fashion is up there. For now I’m thinking that I’ll be scheduling SecGovs to go up on Tuesdays and Thursdays and then we’ll see how that works. Still a work in progress all this, but we’re doing our best. Or at least our not worst.
Anyway, here’s a story:
Dr. Skeet Bonzo studied asteroids. But one day, through no fault of his own, just pure dumb chance, one of the asteroids he studied crashed into Skeet’s car. Skeet, who had been in an appliance store when the car had been destroyed, recognized the asteroid even after the impact. “Why, that’s BF2990P” he exclaimed as saw the wreckage. And then he realized something that sent a shiver down his spine: That asteroid’s designation was the same as the license plate number of the car it had just destroyed. “I never noticed that one of the asteroids had the same number as my license plate because I dealt with so many asteroids,” he said to some kid who had wandered to see the damage up but didn’t actually care what Skeet had to say. Skeet, for a moment, was so amazed by the coincidence that he was dumbstuck. “The odds of that asteroid hitting that car were astronomical! I can’t believe that it happened!” but Skeet fought off thoughts he considered unscientific by rationalizing it, noting that the asteroid’s designation existed only as a thing given to it by the scientists, and was not an actual property of the asteroid itself. And besides, given the vast amount of time for coincidences to occur in, they are more likely to. Anyway, because his car had been crushed, Skeet had to walk home carrying the microwave he had just bought. On the way he was mugged and shot. The mugger ran away and, as he lay dying, Skeet happened to notice that the serial number on the microwave was “BF2990P”. With that, Skeet said “Well, that’s just stupid. I’m glad to be getting out of here” and died. Skeet’s fellow scientists decided to pay their respects to Skeet by naming an asteroid after him. A year later that very asteroid came crashing to Earth, hitting an apartment building and destroying one apartment. What apartment? Specifically apartment number BF2990P. And the resident of that apartment who was killed at that time? The very criminal who had killed Skeet and who, by sheer coincidence alone had also been named Skeet Bonzo. Suffice it to say, when they met up as ghosts they all had a good laugh.
Anyway, that’s it for today. I gotta go. In the meantime, I wonder what would be involved, legally, in arranging to get my skull encased in amber when I’m dead…
Yesterday, Saturday, I was awakened after only a three hours sleep by two telemarketing-type calls. This was around Nine and Nine Thirty in the morning. I thought that even normal Day People liked to sleep in on Saturday mornings. Is that not too early for them to be calling? It completely messed me up in any case.
I did enjoy some of my unfortunate waking hours watching two discs worth of episodes of the sixth season of the Simpsons and it is nice to be reminded of just how awesome that show was back when it was awesome. It is hard to believe that those episodes were like a decade and a half old now. Seriously, they should be feeding that stuff to the new kids growing up today. By force if necessary.
And now, because I can, here’s a story:
There was an astronaut called Deke Manly who was always getting drunk and getting in fights with horses. Eventually none of the horses in town would even let him get close to them. The scientists who he worked with didn’t know about his drunken horsefighting, so when they happened to notice that, no matter what, horses would not come within twenty feet of Deke, they naturally assumed that Deke had some sort of horse-repelling field. As it turned out some horses had stolen a spaceship back in ’79 and colonized a planet where they were now massing their forces to return to Earth as conquerors. The scientists shot Deke into space and landed him on the Horse Planet figuring this would put the Horse Armies into disarray. Deke had no horse repelling field, so instead the horses just arrested him and threatened to kill him if Earth didn’t surrender. Earth didn’t surrender. For his last request Deke was given some booze and got so drunk that he had no problem taking on all the Horse colonists. After he’d clobbered all the Horses he didn’t know how to get home, so he brought all the Horses to the hospital and helped them get back to full health. Then they were all friends and the Horse Invasion of Earth was called off and Deke was finally cured of his drunken tendency to fight horses. The end.
I can’t claim to have accomplished anything interesting lately. Well, I could claim to, but it will be untrue. But I guess if I want to have anything to write, I had better claim to…
Yesterday, I got in a fight with a bear. Not a big bear, just a little one. But he had a gun, so it was a fair fight. We were arguing over which Middle Earth nation would have progressed to a capitalist mecca before all the others and things got a little heated. Bears just don’t understand the effects of shipping lanes on commerce… Well, anyway, the bear won. I lost an eye.
In other news, I am making an effort to get more reading done these days. That’ll show me.
I picked up some matzo bread this last week and quite enjoyed it. Now I’m hooked. There was a twenty-four hour period over the weekend where I ate nothing but matzo and Tic Tacs. I wonder what that was about. Sometimes I have to agree with those who consider me odd.
Going back to work.
It’s like my blood wants to die.
There is no freedom.
Once there was a boy named Filby. He had no hat, because nobody was willing to buy him one. Thus, when the asteroid fell on his head, no hat was ruined. The end.
At least four days this week I found myself thinking of things I wanted to write here when I got home, but then when I get home, I just don’t feel like doing it any more. What a loser I am.
Now I could try to salvage the things I would have talked about on those days, but it wouldn’t be the same, so instead, here’s a story ’bout Crebo.
Crebo shot a man and ran away. The man didn’t die, because Crebo had shot him in the foot. Also, Crebo had shot him with a pea shooter. Nonetheless Crebo ran until he couldn’t run any more. Then he fell in a ditch. In this ditch, Crebo found a stick of dynamite. Crebo decided to take up smoking and start with that smoking that dynamite. Luckily for Crebo he did not have a lighter. Unfortunately for Crebo, he did have a grenade. He tried to use the grenade to light the dynamite. This did not work, but Crebo was badly wounded. Fortunately the man who Crebo had not killed made it to the ditch while there was still lots of time to call for an ambulance. Unfortunately the man did not look in the ditch and thus did not see Crebo and so did not call an ambulance. Crebo died, but fortunately he left all his money to medical research. Unfortunately Crebo didn’t actually have any money. The end.