Beekeeper Review: Gutierrez

Today’s beekeeper is the famous Gutierrez, best known as Andy Richter’s personal beekeeper. Okay, “famous” may be overstating it. Even “known” is not quite accurate. Actually, this is probably as obscure as any beekeeper review could possibly get.

It’s like this: One time on Conan O’Brien’s show in the 90s, they were doing a bit in which Andy Richter was hiding. Gutierrez was one of numerous people who were said to not know where Andy was. That’s it. That’s all we’ve got. He just shrugged and the camera moved on. Conan even stopped to comment on how much budget was probably wasted on the costume for such a stupid moment.

But now to review him: Conan says “He’s clueless, Gutierrez” but that’s only regarding his knowledge about where Andy is at that given moment. He’s probably good at the beekeeping. He’s a professional, after all. And that’s enough for now.

Two Honeycombs out of Five.

Gutierrez’s most important Beekeeper Power is the ability to be easily reviewed in about twenty minutes so that I can get a Review up before this month’s deadline without having to read a whole book or something. Thanks, Gutierrez!

Super Sunday: Life’s Dumb Mysteries

The Situation

A private eye is sent on a missing person case, only to find the missing person almost immediately, but it turns out that the real mystery is even stranger.

The Characters

Edwin Gream

Edwin was a regular private detective until one day a woman came in asking that he look for her son Johnson, who had gone missing. Edwin started his investigation by checking out Johnson’s usual hangouts. And he was right there.

Johnson Tommy

Johnson informed Edwin that the woman who hired him was, in fact, not Johnson’s mother. That woman was an imposter, he says. She was sent by a mysterious cabal who have been trying to ruin his life. Johnson convinces Edwin to help him investigate another mysterious woman who has been following him…

Hannah Gale

The woman who has been following Johnson turns out to be unaffiliated with the mysterious cabal. She’s actually part of a secretive cult who believe that Johnson might play a part in a prophecy that the cult’s leader thinks will bring about a New Age on Earth. But it turns out that the cult’s leader is not who they all think he is. He’s actually a robot!

m473bo7

Posing as the human leader of a cult, the robot m473bo7 has been trying to make find its way in the world by creating a new religion based around establishing himself as a god. But now m473bo7 is confused because a lot of the prophecies he was making seem to be turning true on their own and he doesn’t know why. When Edwin and Johnson blow his cover, he hires them to investigate.

Notes

I envision this show as being terrible. It’s like one of those shows where the writers are clearly making up the mystery as they go (The X-Files or Lost, for example) but we’re doing it on purpose. Writers on this show would not be allowed to plan anything out more than two episodes in advance, and every episode would be required to include one “mind-blowing twist”. No fan of this show would ever be able to make a theory about where it is all going, because it is going nowhere.

Clark Kent Collects Clocks

It’s good for a person to have a hobby. Even Superman. I have found that there are at least three references to Clark Kent having collected clocks. I grant that, over a period of eighty years, three references are not a lot. Some might say that they’re very very little. But I like the idea of Clark collecting clocks and I’m saying we should bring it back.

The advantages of bringing back Clark’s hobby:

  • Collecting clocks is a decidedly “unhip” hobby. There are constant attempts to make Clark “cool” but I don’t like it. Superman is the straight-lacedest of Superheroes. In spite of the attempts to change this, this is actually a thing that most of his fans like about him. They ought to embrace the idea that Clark is a “square” and this is a way to remind people of it.
  • It ties in with Jimmy’s signal watch. For those who don’t know, Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen is so danger-prone that Superman gave him a watch that, when activated, emits a sound that Superman can hear, so that the hero will come save him. Why a watch? Well, if Clark is a fan of timepieces, the answer to that question becomes obvious.
  • Stories could be based around clocks and stuff. It’s a good way to teach kids how to tell time and stuff.
  • Clocks could liven up the Fortress of Solitude. Ever since the Donner films, the Fortress has been depicted as this depressingly barren warehouse full of nothing but snow and crystals. It looks patently un-cozy. I’d love to see some rugs and some paintings to liven up the place, but we just need to throw in a couple fancy clocks (even alien clocks) and we’re headed in the right direction.

The disadvantages of bringing back Clark’s hobby:

  • There are none! Get outta here, chumps!

Bring back the clocks! Or at least someone start a band called Clark Kent Collects Clocks.