Today we went and saw Hot Fuzz. You should too.
More significantly we came up with a surefire solution to the problems in Iraq. And everywhere else for that matter. We create a new military force called the Freak Corps. We forcibly recruit the world’s tallest man, any and all cyborgs, a stage magician, a boxing kangaroo, a sumo wrestler, a faith healer, that guy who doesn’t need to sleep, some of that family with the hairy faces, the world’s strongest man, a polar bear, some contortionists, psychic investigators, that guy who tattooed himself to look like a tiger man and anyone else who has cool or freakish powers. And they all wear capes.
This military strategy would solve any and all of the world’s problems.
I was told by my mother this week that I had an almost full mouth of teeth by the time I was a year old. From the context it would appear that this is impressive. I now consider it one of my first superhuman powers.
Can you, like, rent your soul to Satan? Like say I give it two him for a week (but it has to be back before midnight) and I get a weeks worth of my wish? Like I could have Superman powers for a week but I lose them at midnight when I get my soul back? Of course as a soulless man I might use Superman powers in a totally different way than I want to, but it’ll be an interesting experiment nonetheless.
Cab Driver: “It’s like I always tell my wife, I’ve got the willpower of an earthworm.”
Me: “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
Cab Driver: “I don’t know.”
So, vision is funny, huh? It’s like having a painting of our surroundings made of light stuck in front of our pupils all day long. Hearing is funny too. But less so. Taste, touch and smell aren’t really all that funny.
Eventually we’ll all be flying. One way or the other.
On the cab ride home last night, the driver asked me about my accent. He said I sound “almost Southern”, which I assume means Southern American. Now, combine this with the times I mentioned a few days ago and I have to assume one of three things:
- I talks damn funny and everyone hears it and thinks I’m some foreign freak.
- I, as an independant nation, am developing an accent all my own.
- This cab driver religiously reads this website, saw my previous post and wanted to mess with me.
Of those, #2 is my favorite option. Heck, even #3 would be cool because it implies that someone actually reads this website. But most likely #1 is at fauly. I curse the Aztec god of vocalization for this. I think his name was Talkzectotl.
In other news, there was an article about police using tasers against people and a couple people have died or whatever. The most important part came when a professor from the University of Miami was asked her opinion. She said “The issue of police brutality is simply wrong. That’s not to say it can’t occur, but when police are confronted by someone exhibiting superhuman strength like a Hulk Hogan… what can they do?”
It pleases me greatly to see that scholars recognize Hulk Hogan’s superhuman strength. And they say there’s no good news.
My next post will be another offering from the defunct Ape Slave Training Manual. A prose piece starring a character who would have turned up in prose pieces every few issues, if the thing had not been cancelled before half of it was completed.
If I woke up tomorrow and I had gained telepathy, I think I’d have some french toast. As it is, I just don’t feel like puttng forth the effort of making the french toast. If I had telepathy, I’d be in a better mood, then I could probably do it.
Also, they should make windshield wipers that automatically detect when something is on a windshield and then scrub it off. Not that I, as a non-driver, actually care, but you’d think that technology would have done that one by now.
