I just found some website that scans websites and generates a movie-style rating for the thing. I got a “G” rating and the only negative comment was the word “gun” was used. I’m sure it only scans the words on the front page and not all the stuff I’ve posted before, but dammit, I don’t want no “G” rating. Fuck that shit. This here post is gonna knock that motherfucking rating out of the park and make it whore itself out to cannibals, fatass! Fuck yeah! Go kill a panda then smoke some crack!

I remembered one of the things that I was going to comment on during those four shitty days without the crappy site working: I read a review of the latest Indiana Jones in which the asshole reviewer complained that “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” is too long for a title. That’s a serious complaint? Now I was already someone who preferred distinct titles to stupid simple generic-sounding ones, but this is just too much. Seven syllables is too much for the masses to handle? That’s crap. And bullshit. I mean, it isn’t as though you can’t shorten it to “Kingdom” or “Crystal Skulls” or whatever you want when you’re just talking about it, so what the hell is the problem? We need everything presented to us in fucking soundbite form now? We’re really becoming a species of ass-for-brains. Aren’t we? Shit.

But in the interests of pleasing a bunch of asstarded fuckholing shitsnouts, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to kill all kinds of old movie and book titles and shit and turn them into a bunch of retarded fuckhead-friendly short titles. Here you go, assblasters:

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest = Committed
A Streetcar Named Desire = Bad Times
Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde = Dual Nature
The Silence of the Lambs = Murderers
Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret = Growing Up
The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance = Outlaw Killer
The Bridge on the River Kwai = Soldiers
Judgment at Nuremberg = War Trial
ET: The Extra-Terrestrial = The Phone-Homer
American History X = White Guys
To Kill A Mockingbird = Finchy!
A Midsummer Night’s Dream = Fairies!
It’s A Wonderful Life = Christmas Sucks
The Shawshank Redemption = Jail Movie
The Catcher in the Rye = Hold On, Holden
Beneath The Planet of the Apes = Monkey Caves!
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle = Good Burgers!
The Return of the Jedi = Save Solo!
The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind = Mindfuck!

Well, that’s enough of that shit. I mean, fuck, anyone can see my point already and it’s harder than it looks. Shit.

Haiku!

Jack is a retard.
Fuck! His brain is fucking weak!
Dude can’t think ’bout shit!

It’s fucking awesome how swearing makes a post seem so much angrier than usual. Maybe this is why people fight so fucking much on the Internet. What a bunch of fucking retard shitsmelling cockbags. Maybe I should talk on some shit that actually angers me…

Now for a message to all those out there who place your own selves over everyone else. All the criminals and dictators and assholes and that shit. You cocksuckers are what is wrong with this fucking species. You think that as long as the world sucks your dick then all is Fucking Good? Well, every time you jerkoffs make someone else’s day a little fucking worse, they start to become a little more desperate to make their own lives better and they become a bit more assholey like you. It’s one of those vicious fuckin’ cycles you hear about. Some retarded douchebag wants some money, so he steals some from some poor shitstain on the street, right? Well now that shitstain needs money to feed his family and shit. And he’s all pissed because the douchebag made him a victim and he wants to validate his own ego, so he picks on someone else. The bad vibes spread and some other retarded douchebag things “Hey, this world ain’t fuckin’ fair and I gotta feed myself, I might as well steal shit.” You know? And on big scales like corrupt fucking governments and greedy bitchass corporations? Those bastards cause some real worldwide fucking bad vibes. We get fucking poor people in fucking poor countries who are jealous of the douchebags who take what they need and they want to feed themselves and make themselves not be fucking victims anymore, so they lash out with the fucking bombs and fucking guns and do murders and shit. FUCK! Can’t you douchebags get that into your fucking eyeballs or are your eyeballs covered in love juices from the giant cock of greed that you keep strokin’? Huh? Is that what it is? You guys make me sick! You’re a bunch of fucktastic, retardical shitass Neanderfuck Necrophiles! So fuck the fuck off!

There, now that that swear-filled rant is on the Internet, the world with change. Hooray.

Now let me see what rating that shitsoaked website says the Book of PDFNR gets now.

For the last four days I gave been unable to log onto my little site here. While that is annoying enough on its own, I actually had (twice) something to say during those days and that almost never happens. And now I forget what it was. Hopefully it’ll come back to me.

In the meantime…

Haiku!

Summer on the moon.
All the children wear their shorts
And swim in moon lakes.

Some Advice For Any New Mothers Out There:
Don’t buy a bed made out of knives for your baby. It won’t work out well.

I can’t claim to have accomplished anything interesting lately. Well, I could claim to, but it will be untrue. But I guess if I want to have anything to write, I had better claim to…

Yesterday, I got in a fight with a bear. Not a big bear, just a little one. But he had a gun, so it was a fair fight. We were arguing over which Middle Earth nation would have progressed to a capitalist mecca before all the others and things got a little heated. Bears just don’t understand the effects of shipping lanes on commerce… Well, anyway, the bear won. I lost an eye.

In other news, I am making an effort to get more reading done these days. That’ll show me.

Canada had a banana war as a man at an Alabama gala saw a Panama hat.

So I was supposed to get this package from FedEx last week and they showed up twice, each time around 12:30 in the afternoon and I was, of course, asleep. They left a note saying the package would be returned to sender, though upon calling I was told I should be able to drive out to the company’s office or whatever and pick it up myself.

At first I blamed my own hours for being the reason the package failed to be delivered, but upon retrospection it occurred to me that most normal folk would be at work at 12:30 in the afternoon, so they would not have received their packages either. It’s totally FedEx’s fault. FedEx bites.

I assume the package is the gift I got for my mother for Mother’s Day. I guess that means she’ll be the one driving me out there to get that thing.

Haiku!

Behold the Mummy!
He can bench nine hundred pounds.
Also, he has guns.

What else? Let’s see…
If science is so great, then why can’t it tell me which way is up?