I just found some website that scans websites and generates a movie-style rating for the thing. I got a “G” rating and the only negative comment was the word “gun” was used. I’m sure it only scans the words on the front page and not all the stuff I’ve posted before, but dammit, I don’t want no “G” rating. Fuck that shit. This here post is gonna knock that motherfucking rating out of the park and make it whore itself out to cannibals, fatass! Fuck yeah! Go kill a panda then smoke some crack!

I remembered one of the things that I was going to comment on during those four shitty days without the crappy site working: I read a review of the latest Indiana Jones in which the asshole reviewer complained that “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” is too long for a title. That’s a serious complaint? Now I was already someone who preferred distinct titles to stupid simple generic-sounding ones, but this is just too much. Seven syllables is too much for the masses to handle? That’s crap. And bullshit. I mean, it isn’t as though you can’t shorten it to “Kingdom” or “Crystal Skulls” or whatever you want when you’re just talking about it, so what the hell is the problem? We need everything presented to us in fucking soundbite form now? We’re really becoming a species of ass-for-brains. Aren’t we? Shit.

But in the interests of pleasing a bunch of asstarded fuckholing shitsnouts, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to kill all kinds of old movie and book titles and shit and turn them into a bunch of retarded fuckhead-friendly short titles. Here you go, assblasters:

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest = Committed
A Streetcar Named Desire = Bad Times
Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde = Dual Nature
The Silence of the Lambs = Murderers
Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret = Growing Up
The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance = Outlaw Killer
The Bridge on the River Kwai = Soldiers
Judgment at Nuremberg = War Trial
ET: The Extra-Terrestrial = The Phone-Homer
American History X = White Guys
To Kill A Mockingbird = Finchy!
A Midsummer Night’s Dream = Fairies!
It’s A Wonderful Life = Christmas Sucks
The Shawshank Redemption = Jail Movie
The Catcher in the Rye = Hold On, Holden
Beneath The Planet of the Apes = Monkey Caves!
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle = Good Burgers!
The Return of the Jedi = Save Solo!
The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind = Mindfuck!

Well, that’s enough of that shit. I mean, fuck, anyone can see my point already and it’s harder than it looks. Shit.

Haiku!

Jack is a retard.
Fuck! His brain is fucking weak!
Dude can’t think ’bout shit!

It’s fucking awesome how swearing makes a post seem so much angrier than usual. Maybe this is why people fight so fucking much on the Internet. What a bunch of fucking retard shitsmelling cockbags. Maybe I should talk on some shit that actually angers me…

Now for a message to all those out there who place your own selves over everyone else. All the criminals and dictators and assholes and that shit. You cocksuckers are what is wrong with this fucking species. You think that as long as the world sucks your dick then all is Fucking Good? Well, every time you jerkoffs make someone else’s day a little fucking worse, they start to become a little more desperate to make their own lives better and they become a bit more assholey like you. It’s one of those vicious fuckin’ cycles you hear about. Some retarded douchebag wants some money, so he steals some from some poor shitstain on the street, right? Well now that shitstain needs money to feed his family and shit. And he’s all pissed because the douchebag made him a victim and he wants to validate his own ego, so he picks on someone else. The bad vibes spread and some other retarded douchebag things “Hey, this world ain’t fuckin’ fair and I gotta feed myself, I might as well steal shit.” You know? And on big scales like corrupt fucking governments and greedy bitchass corporations? Those bastards cause some real worldwide fucking bad vibes. We get fucking poor people in fucking poor countries who are jealous of the douchebags who take what they need and they want to feed themselves and make themselves not be fucking victims anymore, so they lash out with the fucking bombs and fucking guns and do murders and shit. FUCK! Can’t you douchebags get that into your fucking eyeballs or are your eyeballs covered in love juices from the giant cock of greed that you keep strokin’? Huh? Is that what it is? You guys make me sick! You’re a bunch of fucktastic, retardical shitass Neanderfuck Necrophiles! So fuck the fuck off!

There, now that that swear-filled rant is on the Internet, the world with change. Hooray.

Now let me see what rating that shitsoaked website says the Book of PDFNR gets now.

Yesterday I saw a Giant Monster Movie in the moving picture cinema theatre. I enjoyed it quite a lot and am sure that the Giant Monster genre is in for a big rebirth. Of course that will only really amount to a heap of really bad Giant Monster Movies being made until the whole idea is tired and I’m begging for them to stop (I’m about there for zombies, for example) but I’ve wanted more movies with giant stuff for so long that I’m willing to go on that ride. Next, I think I’ll demand a resurgence of

Haiku!

It’s unstoppable.
Your puny guns can’t hurt it!
You might as well quit.

I used Superman body wash yesterday. I had found it in the store a while back and kept forgetting to use it, but yesterday I remembered. Turns out I don’t much care for it. And it didn’t give me Superman powers, so it’s just an all around disappointment really. I’d have to give it a mere one slice of PDR’s Reviewing System Cake. And that’s just because it has Superman on it.

That’s it. Go away.

So the forecast for this winter is that it will be the coldest winter here in quite some time and will “remind us what Canadian winters are like” but I totally don’t want to remember, so I would like to cast my vote for this winter to be warmed up. Thank you.

Also, I have seen Futurama and I am happy because of it.

Some time ago, half a year, a year, I don’t know, I watched a movie called Zombie Nation. Now I have watched many zombie movies in my day (mostly because I don’t learn my lesson) and this here was among the worst. Just not a good movie.

But this evening I have discovered that there was another product called Zombie Nation even before this. The Nintendo game called Zombie Nation is a thing of beauty. In this game the player is the severed head of a samurai warrior who comes to America to fight off Darc Seed, an alien who has conquered the land using magnetic rays that made the populace into helpless zombies. Oh and he brought the Statue of Liberty to life to “Do his dirty work.”

The first level alone had me destroying New York for no real reason and fending off helicopters and zeppelins.

So now I have to detest the Zombie Nation even more because, thanks to it, we will probably never see an adaption of this awesome game on the big screen where it belongs.

Apparently, according to the newspaper like five days ago, Jerry Seinfeld will be coming here in Halifax to play a charity gig thing. I would be totally into seeing that, but the article said that tickets would mostly be made available to people who help support the QE II hospital here in the city. Now, naturally, I look upon all charity as a form of weakness and a waste of resources, so I am totally not gonna get those tickets. Oh well.

Haiku!

What’s the deal with toast?
Who saw bread and thought “add heat.”
Effing retarded.

Also, next week we get the new Futurama movie. This is a good thing that will make the world a better place. A review I read in the paper said that the movie was less a movie than a long episode, but I am totally okay with that.

I do wish that so many things in this post weren’t information gained from the newspaper I work at, but what can you do? And oddly enough, I like toast far, far more than regular bread. But that’s how the haiku came out. What do you want from me?