So, it is International Women’s Day, the day when we are all encouraged to find a special gal and buy her chocolates and pretty bows for her hair. That’ll shut ’em up, right?

Wait, I’ve just received word that I completely misunderstand what International Women’s Day is about and I am, in fact, a horrible person. Go figure. Well, as I’ve said before I’m a nation with no female population*, so it can’t be that surprising that I don’t know what the people of Internation do. What excuse does the Republican party use?

Anyway, why not throw out a little story with a positive female role model, PDR? Okay PDR:

Sally Titan saw the bank robbers get into their van and start speeding away. “Idiots,” she said to herself. “Now I’m going to be late for my tutoring session with Mrs. O’Malley’s kids because I have to deal with this.” With that, the muscular hero leapt across the street, bounded off the wall of the bank, and propelled herself down the street after the van. Civilians saw her streaking through the air toward the getaway vehicle, but they would never believe their own eyes. Sally kept her existence as secret as she could because she wasn’t in it for the fame. Overtaking the van, she grabbed the roof and used her momentum to slam it downward, stopping it. She had the criminals tied to a telephone pole before the police even made it to the scene. The crooks couldn’t describe what had happened, but they also couldn’t shake the blame for the heist, so they all went to prison. And Sally made it to the tutoring session on time after all.

There. Happy ending and everything. That makes up for what I said about bows, right?

*Some would say that my vigilant separation of PDR and women is my most important contribution to Womankind. You’re welcome everybody.

Okay, so, the first SecGov page to be put up in the new fashion is up there. For now I’m thinking that I’ll be scheduling SecGovs to go up on Tuesdays and Thursdays and then we’ll see how that works. Still a work in progress all this, but we’re doing our best. Or at least our not worst.

Anyway, here’s a story:

Dr. Skeet Bonzo studied asteroids. But one day, through no fault of his own, just pure dumb chance, one of the asteroids he studied crashed into Skeet’s car. Skeet, who had been in an appliance store when the car had been destroyed, recognized the asteroid even after the impact. “Why, that’s BF2990P” he exclaimed as saw the wreckage. And then he realized something that sent a shiver down his spine: That asteroid’s designation was the same as the license plate number of the car it had just destroyed. “I never noticed that one of the asteroids had the same number as my license plate because I dealt with so many asteroids,” he said to some kid who had wandered to see the damage up but didn’t actually care what Skeet had to say. Skeet, for a moment, was so amazed by the coincidence that he was dumbstuck. “The odds of that asteroid hitting that car were astronomical! I can’t believe that it happened!” but Skeet fought off thoughts he considered unscientific by rationalizing it, noting that the asteroid’s designation existed only as a thing given to it by the scientists, and was not an actual property of the asteroid itself. And besides, given the vast amount of time for coincidences to occur in, they are more likely to. Anyway, because his car had been crushed, Skeet had to walk home carrying the microwave he had just bought. On the way he was mugged and shot. The mugger ran away and, as he lay dying, Skeet happened to notice that the serial number on the microwave was “BF2990P”. With that, Skeet said “Well, that’s just stupid. I’m glad to be getting out of here” and died. Skeet’s fellow scientists decided to pay their respects to Skeet by naming an asteroid after him. A year later that very asteroid came crashing to Earth, hitting an apartment building and destroying one apartment. What apartment? Specifically apartment number BF2990P. And the resident of that apartment who was killed at that time? The very criminal who had killed Skeet and who, by sheer coincidence alone had also been named Skeet Bonzo. Suffice it to say, when they met up as ghosts they all had a good laugh.

Anyway, that’s it for today. I gotta go. In the meantime, I wonder what would be involved, legally, in arranging to get my skull encased in amber when I’m dead…

Yesterday, Saturday, I was awakened after only a three hours sleep by two telemarketing-type calls. This was around Nine and Nine Thirty in the morning. I thought that even normal Day People liked to sleep in on Saturday mornings. Is that not too early for them to be calling? It completely messed me up in any case.

I did enjoy some of my unfortunate waking hours watching two discs worth of episodes of the sixth season of the Simpsons and it is nice to be reminded of just how awesome that show was back when it was awesome. It is hard to believe that those episodes were like a decade and a half old now. Seriously, they should be feeding that stuff to the new kids growing up today. By force if necessary.

And now, because I can, here’s a story:

There was an astronaut called Deke Manly who was always getting drunk and getting in fights with horses. Eventually none of the horses in town would even let him get close to them. The scientists who he worked with didn’t know about his drunken horsefighting, so when they happened to notice that, no matter what, horses would not come within twenty feet of Deke, they naturally assumed that Deke had some sort of horse-repelling field. As it turned out some horses had stolen a spaceship back in ’79 and colonized a planet where they were now massing their forces to return to Earth as conquerors. The scientists shot Deke into space and landed him on the Horse Planet figuring this would put the Horse Armies into disarray. Deke had no horse repelling field, so instead the horses just arrested him and threatened to kill him if Earth didn’t surrender. Earth didn’t surrender. For his last request Deke was given some booze and got so drunk that he had no problem taking on all the Horse colonists. After he’d clobbered all the Horses he didn’t know how to get home, so he brought all the Horses to the hospital and helped them get back to full health. Then they were all friends and the Horse Invasion of Earth was called off and Deke was finally cured of his drunken tendency to fight horses. The end.

I can’t claim to have accomplished anything interesting lately. Well, I could claim to, but it will be untrue. But I guess if I want to have anything to write, I had better claim to…

Yesterday, I got in a fight with a bear. Not a big bear, just a little one. But he had a gun, so it was a fair fight. We were arguing over which Middle Earth nation would have progressed to a capitalist mecca before all the others and things got a little heated. Bears just don’t understand the effects of shipping lanes on commerce… Well, anyway, the bear won. I lost an eye.

In other news, I am making an effort to get more reading done these days. That’ll show me.

I picked up some matzo bread this last week and quite enjoyed it. Now I’m hooked. There was a twenty-four hour period over the weekend where I ate nothing but matzo and Tic Tacs. I wonder what that was about. Sometimes I have to agree with those who consider me odd.

Hakiu!

Going back to work.
It’s like my blood wants to die.
There is no freedom.

Once there was a boy named Filby. He had no hat, because nobody was willing to buy him one. Thus, when the asteroid fell on his head, no hat was ruined. The end.