Yesterday was Canada Day, and Pat is still in China, so to celebrate these three nations we’ve decided to combine them all. Somehow. I’ve yet to determine how this is going to be a good idea, but whatever. In fact, I really have no idea how to include Patrick into this as a nation, other than this being his co-opted website, but hey, keep watching.

• The Canadian Open (golf tournament) + Chinese Checkers = one messed up game. Think about it.
• Chinese fire drill** + Canadian goose = watching a bunch of geese in a flying V going south for the winter: stopping in mid-air, loop-de-loop and circle around each other for ten seconds, then getting back into formation and flying off as if nothing happened.
• The Canadarm + “China has a space program?!” = the Chinarm, wherein we can now have gigantic robot arm wrestling in space. The future is sweet.
• China Syndrome + Canadian whisky = alcohol so potent, it burns itself into the ground. They probably have that already. I wonder what they call it.

Wow. That was harder than it looks, and I’m fresh outta ideas. Not to mention, I couldn’t figure out a way of including Pat in there. Sorry, country-dude, but you need to beef up your exports, or something.

** For the record, Wikipedia says “thus the expression ‘Chinese Fire Drill’ is the act of a group of individuals accomplishing nothing.” I beg to differ. Whoever happens to witness such an event would (hopefully) be amused, or confused, or both. That’s gotta be worth something.

Celebrating the world,
–me.

So I was supposed to get this package from FedEx last week and they showed up twice, each time around 12:30 in the afternoon and I was, of course, asleep. They left a note saying the package would be returned to sender, though upon calling I was told I should be able to drive out to the company’s office or whatever and pick it up myself.

At first I blamed my own hours for being the reason the package failed to be delivered, but upon retrospection it occurred to me that most normal folk would be at work at 12:30 in the afternoon, so they would not have received their packages either. It’s totally FedEx’s fault. FedEx bites.

I assume the package is the gift I got for my mother for Mother’s Day. I guess that means she’ll be the one driving me out there to get that thing.

Haiku!

Behold the Mummy!
He can bench nine hundred pounds.
Also, he has guns.

What else? Let’s see…
If science is so great, then why can’t it tell me which way is up?

I go on a trip to New York City on Friday! As I pointed out to Marq, if we consider New York to be the underworld I am going there on Good Friday and returning on Easter Sunday. I’m just saying is all.

Haiku!

I am not Jesus.
If I was I’d have powers.
Wish I had powers…

I have never been outside of Canada’s borders, so this will be a first. Also, I will get to miss a day of work. I never have a problem with that.

I was totally planning to write a story about some guy having a really bad Leap Day, but then I overslept (something like TWELVE HOURS!) and I now have no reason to do that story anymore for Four Years. And by then we’ll be up to our armpits in apocalypses. Oh well, someday I’ll write something about someone who missed out on Leap Day and regrets it.

I was thinking recently about the times I’ve been in the hospital. For my own benefit I am going to try to make a list of them. I’m going to go reverse-chronologically, because I’m working on my tachyon impression.

• About two years ago, I think (so 2006ish) I crushed my hand in a machine at work. Hours later the bleeding had not stopped and when I got to ER, I found out I’d lost a fingernail. Not a terribly long wait time. Some X-Rays and some poking and I got called a very good patient. It did take the convincing of like eleven people at work to get me to bother taking that trip. And even then I didn’t go straight from work. I went home to check my email and got a slice of pizza before I finally walked to the hospital.
• Around Summer 2001 I had what appeared to be blood in bodily functions that blood is not supposed to be a part of. It was my mother’s idea to get it checked out at the emergency room, plus I got to miss a day of work (I was a security guard then). So… this trip was essentially me getting probed in those certain regions. I remember making lots of jokes that the doctors and nurses either didn’t get or weren’t paying attention to. I don’t remember the wait being too long and the problem went away on its own immediately after that with me never actually getting an answer what caused it (though the doctor mentioned that some cereals have dye that can look like blood when it comes out…) More importantly I remember we decided to stop at KFC on the way home from the hospital and they were out of chicken. No fooling. Also when I called my employers to tell them I’d miss a day, they demanded I get a note from the doctor. They never came to get the note from me and I think I still have it around here somewhere (I keep it because like a week later Kip wrote his medical opinion of me, “Yer ah jackass!” on it).
• Another time, I think I was about sixteen, but don’t ask me to figure out what year that would have been, I was taking out the garbage on a snowy day and slipped in the ditch and twisted my ankle. I remember my brother asking me if I was okay and, being embarrassed I just told him to go inside. I literally crawled up the stairs to the house and eventually went to bed. I lived in the basement back then, so the next morning I again had to literally crawl up some stairs to get and my mother, seeing this, brought me to the hospital. I remember being impressed by the fact that when they saw me limping my way to the door with my mother’s help some orderlies greeted me with a wheelchair. I suppose that they do that stuff every day, though, so they know what they’re doing. The wait this time was really bad. Hours of sitting in that wheelchair and waiting. I got some X-rays but nothing was broken, so it was ice and not using the leg. Made sense.
• Junior High I got a weird rash one day. It was all over my legs. I don’t remember all that much of that particular trip, aside from the female doctor seeing my junk. I do remember that the rash was because of something which Sounded like “Hypo-purple-itis” and that made sense because the rash was purplish, but of course I don’t know what the thing actually was called.
• And once a very, very young PDR had some manner of dehydration and actually had to spend a couple nights in the hospital. It was over the holidays and, the way I remembered it growing up I missed Christmas. I have been assured though that I was actually home at Christmas and it was New Years Eve that I missed. I guess my child-mind equated not getting to play with all his (no doubt awesome) presents as essentially missing Christmas. The only important thing to come out of this is now, when I get a physical and they ask if I’ve ever had a stay in the hospital I have to answer about this vague thing instead of just saying that I’ve not.
• Also, my understanding is that I was born in a hospital. I’m taking other people’s word for that one, though because I sure don’t remember that. And you’d think you’d remember something that important.

So that’s that. The stuff of future medical textbooks.

Tachyons are the one that move backwards in time right? Am I making that up?