Beekeeper Review: Gutierrez

Today’s beekeeper is the famous Gutierrez, best known as Andy Richter’s personal beekeeper. Okay, “famous” may be overstating it. Even “known” is not quite accurate. Actually, this is probably as obscure as any beekeeper review could possibly get.

It’s like this: One time on Conan O’Brien’s show in the 90s, they were doing a bit in which Andy Richter was hiding. Gutierrez was one of numerous people who were said to not know where Andy was. That’s it. That’s all we’ve got. He just shrugged and the camera moved on. Conan even stopped to comment on how much budget was probably wasted on the costume for such a stupid moment.

But now to review him: Conan says “He’s clueless, Gutierrez” but that’s only regarding his knowledge about where Andy is at that given moment. He’s probably good at the beekeeping. He’s a professional, after all. And that’s enough for now.

Two Honeycombs out of Five.

Gutierrez’s most important Beekeeper Power is the ability to be easily reviewed in about twenty minutes so that I can get a Review up before this month’s deadline without having to read a whole book or something. Thanks, Gutierrez!

Beekeeper Review: Peter W

Peter is a self-described “Experienced Apiarist (Beekeeper)” and he’s one of the stars of Deadpool 2, a movie that is in theatres even as I write this. This is as fresh as a Beekeeper Review can get.

In the movie, the wisecracking mercenary Deadpool puts out an ad to assemble a team of super-powered individuals for a dangerous mission, a group that would become known as X-Force. Though he doesn’t have any powers, Peter saw the ad and decided he’d try out for the team, just to help out and have an adventure.

He also maintains a presence on social media, though I don’t know how long that will last now that the movie as come and gone.

So how about the review. How much of an action hero is our Peter? Well, without getting into spoilers, I’ll say that he holds his own alongside the rest of the team, and even outperforms most of them. He may have a weakness against swans, but he’s got bees on his side and treats them, and animals in general, with respect. Apart from that, he seems like a good guy who has not given in to Beekeeper Rage, and genuinely wants to help out his team. Overall, pretty good.

Three Honeycombs out of Five.

Beekeeper Review: Goronwy

“Never underestimate the powers of nature”

Today’s Beekeeper comes from an old-school episode of Doctor Who called Delta and the Bannermen. Goronwy Jones (using the surname that only appeared in the script because I like to be thorough) is a Welsh Beekeeper who gets caught up in one of the Doctor’s wacky adventures and doesn’t bat an eye. That’s the main thing about Goronwy: he is not surprised by much. In this story a time-travelling alien asks Goronwy to help protect some other aliens from an army of still more aliens. During none of this does Goronwy question anything, he just happily lends his home and beekeeping supplies to the cause. During the tense confrontation, Goronwy takes the time to explain beekeeping stuff to anyone who will listen and can be seen casually reading a book. The only explanation is that Goronwy has seen weirder stuff before.

Am I suggesting that Goronwy may even know the Doctor before this in some time-travel sense? Am I suggesting that he may even have been, in his youth, a companion to some version of the Doctor that we have not yet seen? Am I suggesting that he may be the most important character to ever appear in Doctor Who and even the Doctor doesn’t know it yet? Of course I am suggesting all of that. That’s what these Beekeeper Reviews are about, aren’t they? But actually, the episodes do make the case that Goronwy has a history, if not with the Doctor, with weirdness at least. When some Americans looking for a fallen satellite ask if he’s seen anything strange fall from the sky, Goronwy says “I’ve seen many things fall out of the sky, but nothing that could be described as weird” and he talks of strange lights (presumably UFOs) that he’s seen around the area. And does his own history with the bees seem supernatural? Well, it’s certainly mysterious that he can’t even say how long he’s been doing the job (because of time travel or old-person memory? Who can say?) and he suggests that he can talk to his bees, saying “They know everything that happens.” Even without my bias, we’ve got hints that this guy is far from an “ordinary” beekeeper.

At the end of the story, Goronwy gives the Doctor some honey and, as the Doctor furtively slips away from the Americans in the Tardis, Goronwy gives the camera a knowing wink. There’s definitely something up with this guy, everyone.

Three Honeycombs out of Five.

Beekeeper Review: H. P. Lovecraft’s Beekeeper

“On a verdant slope of Mount Maenalus, in Arcadia, there stands an olive grove about the ruins of a villa. Close by is a tomb, once beautiful with the sublimest sculptures, but now fallen into as great decay as the house. At one end of that tomb, its curious roots displacing the time-stained blocks of Pentelic marble, grows an unnaturally large olive tree of oddly repellent shape; so like to some grotesque man, or death-distorted body of a man, that the country folk fear to pass it at night when the moon shines faintly through the crooked boughs. Mount Maenalus is a chosen haunt of dreaded Pan, whose queer companions are many, and simple swains believe that the tree must have some hideous kinship to these weird Panisci; but an old bee-keeper who lives in the neighbouring cottage told me a different story.”

Today I am reviewing a beekeeper from the works of H. P. Lovecraft. I expect that even the most devoted fans of Lovecraft would barely remember this character, though, given that he is alluded to but twice in a minor Lovecraft story, “The Tree“. He doesn’t even do anything in the story. Basically, this story is narrated by some chump. That chump tells a story that was related to him by a beekeeper. Thus, the beekeeper is neither the narrator, nor is he actually a part of the story of the tree.

What do we know about this guy? Not much. He’s Greek. He’s old. And he knows this story. He automatically gets Two Honeycombs for being a good beekeeper (one doesn’t get to be an old beekeeper if one is not good at it, after all), but I could infer more. Maybe this beekeeper actually knows a lot more than this one story. Perhaps he knows all manner of secrets of the Lovecraftian universe and all its monsters and such. It seems entirely likely that this beekeeper is a major force in protecting humanity. Nobody out there can prove me wrong! But, unfortunately, this story also can not prove me right.

Two Honeycombs out of Five.

Beekeeper Review: Astro City’s Beekeeper

The world of Astro City is rife with superheroes and villains, so it is no surprise that there is one who called himself “The Beekeeper”. As ever, the superhero universe Beekeepers don’t get too creative with their names.

This Beekeeper was active in the 60s as a super-criminal. Using a weapon called a hive-scepter, he was able to control bees to do his bidding, and was probably able to fly given those big wings on his back. We don’t know how successful he was as a criminal, but we do know he ended up getting caught and spent time in prison. After that, he gave up the life of crime, became an entomology professor, and lived a normal life until he was in his eighties. At some point, he seems to have sold one of his hive-scepters, which was a mistake, because someone used it to frame him for some crimes. When the police came to investigate, the octogenarian reacted poorly and got back into costume and fought back. It’s sad that it happened, but it does say something about his fighting skills that it took a lot of police to bring him in, even in his advanced age.

Astro City’s Beekeeper has only had about three pages of screen time. Sure, he gets to boss around bees and fly, but we don’t know what else he’s got. Did he have a whole beehive-themed lair? He could have. We just don’t know. We don’t even know if he actually kept bees for non-crime purposes. The fact he ended up teaching suggests that he knows about them, though. I always dock a point for beekeepers who turn to evil, it’s a sign that they can’t contain their Beekeeper Rage, but it is a shame that I have to do it for this guy. He stayed on the straight and narrow for decades between his initial crime spree and when he was framed. But still, he has to lose that point for villainy.

3 Honeycombs out of Five. Given Astro City’s nature, we could learn more someday. I don’t expect it, but I can dream.