To: Meat
Re: Bologna

Look, obviously I respect you, Bologna. My ancestors, I assume, used to stalk the plains and fields, hunting wild bolognas and bringing them home to cook them over the fire that they put in their caves which is a bad place for a fire because it would fill with smoke but probably my ancestors were idiots like that. And then we domesticated the bologna and now it grows in farms where we’re cruel to it to save money because cruelty is always cheaper than not cruelty so we fill our world with cruelty like we filled our caves with smoke. That’s why I respect bologna manufacturers and why I definitely know what kind of meat it is.

And I accept that we spell it bologna but people call it baloney. That’s fine with me. If anything, it makes this one particular kind of meat have one interesting thing about it. You can trick people by asking them to spell it and if they get it correct they are secretly spies. Spies can’t help it because they’re idiots like that. That’s why I accept the discrepancies between spelling and pronunciation for bologna.

With all that said, my issue is this: I don’t eat bologna, so you might as well not make it anymore. Thanks!

With underwear,
Patrick D Ryall