On the forty-ninth Wednesday in the Bronze Age, a wondrous thing happened. Five lettuces fit into a box designed to hold only three lettuces.

This miracle happened on Farmer OldDonald’s Farm. Farmer OldDonald didn’t think it was such a big deal. “I just stuck five of them in there,” he said. But people loved it. Word spread quickly.

Towns all over the Eastern Seaboard were abuzz with talk about the five lettuce box. The fisherman over in New Woodville spent hours talking about it. The academics at Brainville University in Brainville University City debated how it could be possible. A guy at the peak of Mount Joeyramone heard about it and went “Oh, neat.” It was everywhere.

There was even the infamous Five Lettuce Cult that sprang up and worshipped the box, but while that did end in a number of lawsuits and a couple fires, it doesn’t really have anything to do with the story here so stop bringing it up.

The details of the story eventually made it to the smoky boardroom filled with that illustrious agricultural brain-trust known as the Broccoluminati. These titans of the farming industry kept watch over everything that happened so that they would maintain control of all farming-related profits that were to be made. They were also half broccoli. It happens sometimes that people who are half broccoli come together to form an industrial conspiracy. This was one of those times.

They debated what the five lettuce box meant for the farming industry.

“Hey,” said one of them, “what if maybe dis five lettuce box thing makes it so da farmers can ship lettuces more efficiently. It mights cut inta our box-selling money.”

“Hey yeah,” said another. “If dey can fits five lettuces in a box, den three boxes could hold fifteen lettuces. Dey used ta needs to buy fives boxes if dey wanted to put dat many lettuces in dere.”

“Oh, shit” said the third and final member of the Broccoluminati. “I guess we gots ta do a scheme.”

So they found the least ugly assassin they could and hired him to take that five lettuce box down. This was Brognarg the Executioner. He loved to kill for pay and he looked alright doing it. He had no problem with being paid in broccoli either, though the Broccoluminati actually paid him in money, so they missed out on that opportunity.

Brognarg cleverly made his way onto Farmer OldDonald’s farm by dressing like a horse.

So Farmer OldDonald woke up one day and began his chores only to notice a new horse hanging around. He went over and checked it out.

“Now who is this, then?” he said to himself as he approached the horse.

“I’m just a horse,” said Brognarg from under his horse mask.

“Oh, you’re a talking horse?”

“Uh,” said Brognarg realizing his mistake. “I guess I am.”

“Well, what can I do for you then?”

“Uh,” said Brognarg abandoning his original plan and rolling with the talking horse angle. “I heard you had a box that held five lettuces. Wanted to come by and see it.”

“Oh,” said Farmer OldDonald. “Well, I used it to ship the lettuces off someplace. That box is far from here now.”

“Uh,” said Brognarg realizing he’d made another mistake. “Right. Any idea where?”

So Farmer OldDonald grabbed a copy of his lettuce transport reports and gave them to the horse. Brognarg took this and went off in search of the box, leaving Farmer OldDonald alone on his farm looking at the spot where the horse had been standing.

He found that he liked the idea of an animal standing there like that. It had really livened up the farm. He had some extra money from all the tourists, so it was the perfect time for him to purchase some new domesticated beast.

He and his sidekick Quacko the Wonderful Duck walked down to the Farmers Market to see what was available. They spent some time talking to a used yak salesman, but nothing caught their eye. There was a guy with a nice camel and they asked where he’d got it to find out if there were others, but that guy had got the last one. Eventually they thought that a nice quiet ocelot might work, so Farmer OldDonald began to fill out some paperwork while Quacko went for a walk around the park.

In the park, Quacko walked around all the wild plants and animals like oak trees and cows until he happened to overhear three mysterious broccoli people scheming.

“I fink the assassin will kill dat box pretty soon,” said one.

“Yep,” said another. “Dat’s what happens when a five lettuce box comes along. We, da Broccoluminati hire an assassin to track it down and kill it so it don’t negatively affect our profits. Dat’s what happens and is, in fact, what is happening now, as we speak.”

The third one didn’t really have anything to add to the conversation, but nodded.

Quacko immediately realized that this was the very same five lettuce box that Farmer OldDonald had used! Something had to be done!

Quacko the Wonderful Duck activated his Power Gem and transformed into Battle Mode. Luckily he had seen the lettuce transport report earlier and his computer memory was able to extrapolate the location of the five lettuce box. Careening through the sky at supersonic speed, Quacko arrived in Brainville University City just in time to see Brognarg (now disguised as a horse disguised as a janitor) raising a sword with intent to strike.

Quako unleashed a barrage of Quacko-missiles and defeated Brognard before the assassin even knew what was up. The five lettuce box was saved.

Quacko flew back to the park where he found Farmer OldDonald waiting with the newly-purchased ocelot, Trevor. Quacko reported what had happened, how the five lettuce box had nearly been destroyed. Farmer OldDonald was moved to tears by this, but Trevor was put off. This was too much drama for an quiet ocelot like Trevor. Trevor left. Farmer OldDonald and Quacko were very sad to have been abandoned by their new friend, and were moved to tears.

The wild cows in the park had overheard the whole thing. A few of them didn’t care, but a couple were moved to tears and came closer to comfort Farmer OldDonald and Quacko. The farmer and his sidekick were moved to tears by the kindness shown by these wild cows and offered them a chance to come live on the farm and be domesticated. The cows were moved to tears by the offer and agreed. They all went back to the farm.

The whole scene had been witnessed by the Broccoluminati, who were moved to tears. They hadn’t realized that their attempts to use violence to wring profits from the farming industry might hurt somebody’s feelings.

“Aw geez,” said one. “Dis must be what it feel like ta be sad.”

“Yeah,” said another. “Let’s give da order dat the five lettuce box can go on existin’ and all dat. We don’t needs ta destroy it after all.”

“Also,” said the third and final member of the Broccoluminati, “lets see if dat whole fing where da cows got domesticated can be profitable.”

And it turned out it was.