Bebop: Hi everyone. I’m Bebop. If you remember me at all, you probably remember me as the bumbling henchman of the Shredder who, alongside my partner Rocksteady, constantly got beat up by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And that’s what I’d like to talk to you about.

Bebop: The Ninja Turtles have been enjoying a recent return to television with an all new show. Most of the old favorite characters have turned up, like April, Casey, Shredder, Baxter Stockman and even Leatherhead! But I and my good buddy Rocksteady have not been used. I asked around and from what I heard it would appear the reasoning is simple: The people making the show don’t like us.

Bebop: So today I’m going to try to convince the show’s makers that we’re perfectly suited to be returned for today’s audience! Of course, I couldn’t do that alone, so I’ve brought a friend with me… come on out here!

Bebop: This is Phil, he’s some sort of dinosaur guy who lives down the road from me. How’s it going, Phil?

Phil: I’m good, but I’m not really sure why I’m here. Wouldn’t it make more sense for you to do this with Rocksteady?

Bebop: Maybe, but he stayed up all night playing Worlds of Warcraft and he’s in no shape to work. You’ve got horns. It’s pretty much the same deal.

Phil: But it takes more than horns to do what you guys do.

Bebop: True. That’s why I’ve also given you Rocksteady’s boots and most of his pants.

Phil: … Oh. Okay.

Bebop: So it’s like this. I wrote up an example of how our introductory episode could go. I’m confident it shows that we could be powerful and dangerous foes that would bring new dimensions of thrills and action to the show’s next season. Now we’re going to perform it for you, with Phil in the role of Rocksteady? Ready? Let’s go!

Shredder: At last I have found the ultimate means of dispatching those turtles once and for all. Now that two members of the Purple Dragons gang have been mutated by accident, I have two strong and capable henchmen with the ferociousness of a warthog and rhinocerous respectively. Tonight I dine on Turtle Soup!*

Shredder: Bebop! Rocksteady! Welcome.

Bebop: We are honored to serve you, Master Shredder.

Shredder: Such competent and loyal servants are hard to find. I have an important mission for you.

“Rocksteady”: Whatever Master Shredder needs, his loyal badass henchmen shall do.

Shredder: Your mission is thus: Go forth and bring me the heads of all the Turtles’ most trusted allies! Blood shall spill this night!

Bebop: Yea, Verily!

“Rocksteady”: How shall we go about finding the friends of our hated arch enemies?

Bebop: We will use all of the many skills we developed on the mean streets to locate our foes.

“Rocksteady”: Oh look. There is one now.

Bebop: Casey Jones! Prepare to be killed by the cool new hardcore villains!

“Rocksteady”: Yeah, you shall be killed now by us.

Casey: You’re trying to bring me down? Cool! I was totally bored just now. Well, I’m ready when you are, circus boys. Let’s go!

“Rocksteady”: You’re confident now, fool, but wait until we kill you and see how confident you are!

“Rocksteady”: I’ll make– Whoa! I tripped over my tail!

Casey: Hahah! You’re the cool new villains?

Bebop: Phil! Get up!

Casey: I’ll teach you to go around trying to kill innocent vigilantes!

Phil: Oooowww! Oh! Owwww! Okay! I give!

Bebop: GET UP! Stop being beaten! We’re badass!

Phil: Ahhhhahhh! Uncle! Uncle!

Bebop: Noooooooooooooo!

Bebop: Phil! You’re ruining it! You’re ruining my big chance! I can’t believe this is happening!

Casey: Hahah!

Bebop: Now how am I supposed to show the creators of the show realize that if they don’t like us as comic relief they could use us as have us be hardcore badass villains? It’s all ruined! Why?

Phil: Ahhuuuuuhhhhh… It hurts so much… Ahhhhhhhh.

Bebop: Please! Guys! I’m begging you! Bring us back! I promise it will all turn out good! Don’t let this be the end for Bebop and Rocksteady! Don’t let it end like this!

The End
*The return of Bebop and Rocksteady would not require that Oroku Saki use the turtle soup line, but it’s so good I assume he would anyway.

 

Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Savages
Originally put on Contains2 on Tuesday 22 March 2005

Comments from Contains2:

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Jen
March 26th, 2005 at 12:09 am
Heeeeey yeah! I remember those guys now that you mention it. I have the game for the first nintendo. Oh yes for 2-d Animation! I totally agree with you though. Good on ya!

Tuckster
March 31st, 2005 at 3:04 pm
A while ago, I was wondering waht ever happened to Bebop and Rocksteady! Now I know. Or something.

Cas
April 7th, 2005 at 1:56 pm
What, no Bebop?? That is truly a travesty. I’m in the Czech Republic at the moment so I can’t actually watch turtles anyway, but when i get back to civilization I’m sure I will be very angry. Grr.

Anyway, how are all the nice Canadians?

PDR
April 7th, 2005 at 11:07 pm
The Czeck Republic? Geez, how many baby judges did you have to kill to get stranded there? And we Canadians are doing awright! It’s you guys we’re worried about.

And as of yet, the creators of TMNT have not yet informed me that Bebop has convinced them to bring him back.

Wade
April 14th, 2005 at 1:09 pm
HEY! I recognize this so-called “Phil”. He isn’t Phil at all! Triceraton is his name. Also no one should be ashamed for having racked up 16 days or so-worth of playing World of Warcraft. I hear rocksteady has a lv 46 gnome mage….

PDR
April 19th, 2005 at 7:08 am
Nah, Phil just looks like Triceraton. All dinosaur men look alike, really.

Aikao
November 29th, 2005 at 12:16 am
Dinosaur men do not all look alike! That’s racist, and I’m offended!

kip
November 30th, 2005 at 10:03 am
I’m agreeing with Aikao. ‘Cause if there is one thing I have learnt in this world (I’ve check, there is only one thing, and this is it my friends), it’s that Aikao is right about this particular thing, and he will never be right again. So, God help him, never again.

Andrew
April 25th, 2006 at 5:47 pm
Funny stuff! take it you couldn’t find the Rocksteady toy? Check out my website. My bro and I did a similar revival ettempt with these classic characters.