THE FROG OF FORTOSIA!
Kirk: Captain’s Log Stardate: Martin Luther King Jr. Day. We were continuing our five year mission to seek out new life and discover new civilizations today and we came across a planet. It could easily have life or civilization on it, so we’re going to check it out.
Kirk: Spock’s readings state that the planet is composed almost entirely of cardboard and styrofoam, meaning it is the same as every other planet we have discovered to date. I have decided to beam down an away team made up only of main characters, to avoid the death of random crew members.
And so, on the planet’s surface…
Kirk: Well, here we are, men. Let’s seek out that stuff we seek out.
Spock: It would seem we have all neglected to bring our tricorders. We will have to search the planet manually.
Bones: Your stupid Vulcan logic again, eh Spock?
Chekov: I am scared of the sky here.
Kirk: We’ll split up. If anyone finds new life, or maybe a civilization, let the others know.
And so the team split up and investigate.
Bones: Sure, split up. I’m stuck looking at this boring cavern while that dirty Vulcan gets to look at interesting stuff. I hate Vulcans. I wish I could just enslave them all. Yeah, that’d be nice. I could have a Vulcan mopping my floors and making my supper. That’d be…
Meanwhile, Captain Kirk finds something…
Kirk: Now what’s this? It looks like a frog. (into communicator) Hey guys, I found something.
Frogodes: I’m no mere frog! I am Frogodes! I am the omnipotent ruler of this world!
Frogodes: Now that you’re here, I think I’ll torture you with my vast powers for my own entertainment. Yeah. Maybe I’ll make you and one of your friends fight to the death. Or I could make one of you stand on another one’s face.
Chekov: Captain! What did you–?
Chekov: Ahhh! What’s that? I’ll shoot it!
Frogodes: I think you’ll find that your weapons are useless against me, fool.
Chekov: You’re right… But it still makes me feel like a real man to have it.
Kirk: Frogodes, you mustn’t do this. We are… explorers. We seek only to make peace with you.
Frogodes: Too bad! I’m omnipotent!
Frogodes: Watch as I pick a random low-ranking crewman from your ship and bring him here, dead!
Bones: It’s true, Jim. Dead.
Bones: Consarn these omnipotent aliens! Just once I wish one of them would join the Federation! That’d make things easier for us. But no! They all have worse attitudes than a Gargiruian Catfish!
Meanwhile, back on the Starship Enterprise NCC-1701 of the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet.
Uhura: I just received a report from Deck Seven. One of the low-ranking crewmen just vanished.
Uhura: It’s almost like he was teleported away.
Sulu: Hey, wanna see me take off my shirt and do some sword-fighting?
Uhura: Not now.
Scotty: We’ll have time for that later, Sulu. Uhra call the Captain and tell him what happened.
Uhura: My name is “Uhura”, Mr. Scott.
Scotty: What? For real? What kind of name is that?
Uhura: What kind of name is Uhra?
Scotty: Geez, all these years I’ve known you and I didn’t even know your name. I feel like a bastard. I’ll be getting drunk because of that, I tell ya. Now, just call the captain.
Uhura: There’s some strange interference now, but I’ll work on it.
Scott: Well, work quick. We need the away team back here so Chekov can take out the garbage.
Back on the planet…
Frogodes: And so you see, you are helpless before me! I am your ruler!
Kirk: No… Not our ruler. Because of Free Will we will never be helpless against… tyrants like you. It is our job… our mission… to oppose the likes of you.
Frogodes: You said your mission was to seek out life and civilization.
Kirk: While opposing you on the side, yes.
Scotty (over communicator): Captain, we’ve got a situation up here.
Scotty: The garbage is piling up and I’m embarrassing myself in front of the bridge crew. Also, some guy disappeared. You should hurry up so I can get back down to engineering.
Kirk: Hang in there, Scotty. We’ve got problems too. You’ll have to give us twenty minutes or so.
Scotty: I’m not sure we can hold together that long, Sir.
Kirk: You’ll have to! Kirk out.
Chekov: But Captain, what can we do against such a supremely powerful being?
Q: Did someone say “Supremely Powerful Being?”
Chekov: What the Hell?
Frogodes: Q? What are you doing here?
Q: I’m all the omnipotent alien that this universe needs, Froggy. That’s why…
Q: You’re dead!
Kirk: Thank you for the help, stranger. If–
Q: Right, whatever. I just wanted the Frog’s treasure. Goodbye.
And so the away team returns to the ship.
Scotty: It sure took you guys a long time to get back. I feel like I’ve aged by decades from the stress of running this ship.
Chekov: What the hell is that? I’ll shoot it!
Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Research
Originally posted on Contains2 on Sunday January 30, 2005