One year, as the Winter approached and the climate began to grow cold, Frog became unhappy.
In the Winter, Frog had to avoid the cold by hibernating. To do this he would dig himself a hole in the mud and just go to sleep there. It was cold and boring and he had to spend months there, because there was precious little to eat during the cold season. This is what frog had done every Winter of every year since he had grown to be a frog. This year, Frog decided, he was going to find a way to get away from this annual annoyance.
And so, he was wandering around one day, looking for possible ways to avoid his hibernation when he came across a group of birds who were preparing for a voage.
“Hey birds!” said Frog, “Where are you heading off to?”
One of the birds replied to him, “We are preparing to fly South! This is what we do each Winter to avoid the cold weather.”
“What is in the South that makes it more ideal than here?” asked Frog.
“The weather is warm in the South,” said one of the birds, “and because of that we are more comfortable and food can grow, even in the Winter.”
Warmth and food? Frog liked the sounds of that. He devised a plan.
“Well,” said Frog, “you must take me with you?”
“Why must we do that?” asked the birds.
“Because,” said Frog, “I am your fellow bird and it is right that you should help a companion such as I.”
The birds looked at each other, then back at Frog. “You are a bird?” they asked.
“You don’t look like a bird.” They said.
“I’m a Yellow-Crested Clemsendale. This is what we look like.”
“That does sound like a bird’s name. But if you are a bird, why can’t you fly South for yourself?” They asked.
“A cat ate my wings and I can no longer fly.”
The birds replied, “It is true that cats enjoy doing harm to birds. We believe you. We will take you with us.”
And so, the birds carried Frog with them to their home in the South. Throughout the long journey Frog complained of discomfort and hunger. He nagged that the birds should hurry and he rudely asked personal questions. Also, he shouted obscenities and kicked at the nerdiest of the birds. And he also told offensive jokes and gross stories about his love life. And he started an argument with one bird, even though he actually agreed with that bird’s point of view. And at one point he started mimicking anything the birds would say in his “retardy-voice”.
But when the trip was complete, the birds were happy to leave him free to wander the bird resort on his own. Frog did just that.
Frog quickly annoyed all the birds present who had flown in from all the lands of the North. He hit on the women birds and he picked fights with the men. On six seperate occasions he stole from elderly birds’ life savings. And he kept trying to make small birds get lost, then laughed at them.
In the center of the bird resort was a beautiful glass sculpture. It had been there since the very first Winter. It depicted a bird in flight, leaving behind the ice and coming to the warm climate. Frog found this scultpure and decided it would be hilarious to stand on its head.
He leapt onto a nearby rock, then onto the sculpted bird’s wing. The birds nearby began to murmer and mumble disapprovingly. Frog hopped again, placing himself on the back of the glass bird.
“What are you doing?” shouted one old bird. “Get down from there!”
“Screw you, dummy,” Frog replied.
Frog jumped again, landing on the head of the sculpture. There he stood tall and yelled, “Lick it, bitches! I’m riding on the statue’s freakin’ head!”
A crowd of birds had gathered and yelled at Frog. They begged him to get down. Frog jumped up and down on the head and laughed, until, SNAP! The head broke off at the neck and fell to the ground and shattered. Frog laughed and laughed as the menacing crowd of birds approached. But before they could punish him, the dinner bell sounded and it was time for the Feast!
The Feast was an ancient ritual and all the birds who had flown South attended to enjoy the food. Even the King of Birds was present. And when Frog found himself at the table with food enough to feed all these birds, he gorged himself before the traditional speech of thanks could be given. Then, after finishing his own portion of food he stole from others.
All the birds present noticed Frog’s disrespectful behavior and were outraged. They begged Frog to restrain himself.
“Get bent, jerks!” replied Frog. And the birds looked to their King to see what they should do.
“You idjits! That ain’t a bird!” Said the King of Birds. “And I oughtta know, I’m the King of Birds.”
“Well, you see…” started Frog, who had already formulated a plan. But it was too late.
The birds then brutally beat Frog and he returned home and hibernated the rest of the Winter away.
And this is why, to this day, frogs do not fly South for the Winter.
Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Hangar
Originally on Contains2: Monday 08 November 2004