Items In The News

Today I thought I might just take some interesting items out of the news and share them with you all.

Man Found With Four Bullet Wounds To Face, Foul Play Suspected

NEUTERED — A grizzly discovery was made in the parking lot of a gas station this morning. Employees arrived to find the body of a man lying in a puddle of his own blood next two four shotgun shell cases.

“His head was full of holes, and the blood went all the way across the parking lot and into the storm drain,” said gas station manager Wilson Newell, who found the body. “It really freaked me out. I kinda went into shock for a few minutes, but then I called the cops.”

Wilson continued, “I started looking around, to make sure there wasn’t anything else and I didn’t find any other dead people, which is good. I noticed that there was a car parked at the side of the road with its door open. It probably belonged to this guy.”

Police officers at the scene were reluctant to comment. “Right now,” said Officer Jerry Brooks, “we really don’t have much to go on. But I can say that at this point we think we have ruled out suicide and I don’t think it was a car accident. I’d say it might have been violent in nature.”

 

All Important Historical Figures Are Gay

FLOPP — A recent investigation by historian Jerry LaPado presents what he believes is conclusive evidence that each and every person in history of importance was secretly homosexual. LaPado, 36, who works out of Filbert University in Alaska, was inspired by reports he had read that concluded figures like Abraham Lincoln or Adolf Hitler were gay, and began a study of his own. The findings will soon be released in Historical Figures Are Gay: All of Them!, a new book on the subject by LaPado himself.

“It was a lot of hard work,” LaPado said. “I started four years ago by making a list of historical persons that I thought I should investigate. I came up with overwhelming evidence that proves that every important figure in history was gay, or at least bisexual. And any persons already known to be gay, my findings prove them to be straight.”

Rival historian Cal Mitchell of Morton University does not agree with LaPado’s findings. “[LaPado] is just trying to create controversy that will boost sales of his new book,” said Mitchell. “It’s like, if I were to come up with a book that supposedly proves that Ghandi regularly sacrificed babies, it wouldn’t be true but it would get more free publicity than an accurate account of Ghandi’s life. [LaPado] is trying that to maximum effect supposedly revealing the secret sexuality of all historical figures, thus guaranteeing the interest of historians looking for information about any persons from the past.”

LaPado responded to Mitchell’s criticisms by saying, “[Mitchell] is a jackass.”

Cal Mitchell’s new book, Blood of Infants, the Life of Ghandi is due in stores in September.

 

News Articles Cause Cancer – Study Shows

NEUTERED — A recent study has shown that people who frequently read news articles are at a higher risk to develop cancer in their eyes, and in the case of newspaper articles, in their fingertips. The findings were released Tuesday in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute.

In the study, researchers examined eye and finger tissue samples from a large number of people of all ages who routinely read news articles. They found that in the majority of cases these people were more likely than average to have their cellular structure be in a precancerous state in these areas.

If you feel at risk for this, it is recommended you visit internet news sites for more information.

 

Celebrity Breaks Up With Other Celebrity, People Care

YOYO — At a press conference Some Famous Actress’s spokesperson announced that the actress had ended her relationship with Some Actor. The actor was said to already be dating Some Singer, and the actress was said to be waiting for Some Other Celebrity’s schedule to open up.

Other reporters actually seemed to believe this was actually newsworthy and some people who heard about the breakup actually felt the need to talk about it as if it had affected them in some way.

 

Scientist Fired, Does Not Become Supervillain

DAILY GRAPE — Coworkers of former scientist Akers Trent at TechCorp have expressed surprise that the terminated scientist has yet to use his inventions for criminal needs. “What’s he waiting for?” asked one coworker. “With that invention of his he could be rakin’ in the mad cash and fighting superheroes and stuff.”

Three months ago, after inventing a body-suit that gave the wearer the ability to control air currents, to the extent that he could lift objects, fly, and even create miniature storms, Trent was laughed out of a conference room by his superiors and received notice of his termination.

Secretary Maria Ferrell recalled the day Trent, 36, was fired. “As [Trent] cleaned out his desk he was muttering under his breath that he would show them all. I thought for sure that within a week I’d see a news report about some new supervillain called Wind-Lord or the Human Hurricane or something. But it never happened.” She added, “I was looking forward to telling my friends that I used to work with that guy.”

When asked to explain the comments made on his last day with TechCorp, Trent had this to say: “I figured I could just take it to another company and see if they would be interested. I would be ‘showing them’ by making lots of money elsewhere. I certainly don’t wish to become a criminal.” Coworkers were still confused by Trent’s lack of initiative. Ed Baker, formerly Trent’s lab assistant said, “He still hasn’t found a new job and his wind suit would make robbing banks a breeze. Hee hee, make sure you put that in, I’ll sound witty.”

Trent reiterated that he has no interest in becoming a costumed criminal but added that he thinks “Human Hurricane does have a nice ring to it.”

 

Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Earthquake
Originally on Contains2: Wednesday 07 August 2002 and sometime before that on Geocities.

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