This one is from Futurama. Petunia is a minor recurring character who has, as of this writing, been seen only once as a Beekeeper, in a non-canon story in which she runs Petunia’s Self-Serve Bee Farm. Does she also run this place in canonical Futurama stories? Well, we don’t know. We simply can’t know that. It means that I don’t have to dock her any points for things she does in canonical appearances, since that is essentially a different character, but also it means I can’t award her any points for skills she displays or things she does in those canonical appearances. I can only infer things from this story alone.

Well, canonical stories or not, one of Petunia’s defining characteristics is that she’s an inveterate smoker (should I award a point because Beekeepers use smoke as a tool?). Also, while she wears a beekeeping mask, she doesn’t need the full suit so she’s either comfortable around the bees or just too numb to care if she’s stung. I do admit that she’s got an attitude problem. The very fact the place is “self-serve” is indicative of how little effort she wants to put into the project. But to counter that point, I’ve also got to talk about the bee farm itself. It seems to be going well enough. There’s plenty of hives, look at all the honey and combs and stuff. It’s even open late on Kwanzaa! The place is named after Petunia herself, so one assumes she gets the credit for the fact it seems to be running at least at a stable level. And there’s the big hive design on the roof and all the little hexagon combs on the signage. It’s good branding.

We’re told in this story that “there ain’t no beeswax in the whole world” and Petunia is able to recognize that the bees (apparently not just hers, but all of the bees on Earth, I guess) are “acting crazy” though she doesn’t seem to realize it is because of parasites. Also, she seems to have a fatalistic acceptance of this coming doom to the insects. But even while the bees are apparently so sick that they won’t make wax, we do see honey and combs for sale there. Somehow, in spite of her utter indifference, Petunia has kept the place running as the world’s bees (again, not just hers) are dying. I’d definitely give a better score if she actually bothered to do any one thing to help the bees, but alas, I can not.

Two Honeycomb out of Five. There are downsides (doesn’t seem to care), but there are upsides (good branding and apparent persistence) and they cancel each other out to reach the average beekeeper score.

I remember a year in my early twenties, I don’t remember which year exactly, but it was around 2003 let’s say. During the course of that year something happened to me twice: I was told that I don’t chew gum. Yes, specifically that. Two times within a year, or close to it, I was chewing gum and someone who I felt knew me pretty well saw me chewing gum and reacted with surprise saying “You don’t chew gum!” One was my father, one was a close friend. They both saw me chewing gum and it clashed with their view of how I am supposed to act.

Even at the time, I thought it was strange. I was demonstrably chewing gum both times they said it. They were clearly and provably wrong. But it got into my mind that I’m not the kind of person who chews gum. So I stopped. It’s one of the very few times that peer pressure got to me, because it was insidiously packaged not as someone encouraging me not to chew gum, but simply stating that I didn’t.

Anyway, that father and that friend are both gone from my life now, and I’m a middle-aged man who is trying to find some way to pull his shattered mental self together. What have I got to lose by chewing gum? It turns out I enjoy it. It comes in flavours! It can be minty or taste like watermelon or whatever! That’s cool! It makes my teeth feel nice! I think it actually even helps me focus a bit!

Patrick D Ryall is a gum chewer! Update your file!