Micro Adventures Disassembled, Part 3.5: The Flashback
Previously, on Micro Adventures Disassembled:
-----------------
And now, it's time for a flashback back to The Big Breakdown of 2004!
*A few weeks earlier, by the Avengers' pool*
: "Want some rum? I've got plenty here."
: "No thanks."
: "How about some cocaine?"
: "What? Since when have you been taking drugs?"
: "Hey, I'm a New York socialite, it's expected of me. It's practiacally the law."
: "So, what's going on with you and Hawkeye?"
: "Even if I did know, I've drunk so much that right now, I have no idea."
: "Maybe you should drink less, and/or talk things over with him?"
: "Not gonna happen. Anyway, why'd you start wearing clothes again?"
: "What?"
: "That whole one-dollar-crack-whore, scum-sucking gutter-slut look really suited you so much."
: "What? I never dressed like that. Why would you say something like that?"
: "Of course you did. You dressed like that for months, not long ago."
: "No I didn't. And why would you insult me like that?"
: "Because I'm too drunk to care about hiding how much I hate you."
: "I...thought we were friends."
: "H*ll no, I've always resented and hated you."
: "......."
: "You were always the more powerful one, the more popular one, the one all the creepy fanboys want."
: "....I can't help any of that."
: "Oh, no, of course you
can't. Even after you grew facial hair just before we last fought
Alkhema, even after your costume burned off in The Red Zone and
revealed your freakish lack of nipples, you're still the one they want.
That's so improbable, you must be using your powers to make things go
right for you."
: "...'freakish'? That's not normal?"
: "Could you be any more naive? But you got all the breaks, you really did. You never had an implant burst."
: "Implant? Jan, why can't you just wear a padded costume like everyone else."
: ".......everyone....else? Dammit!"
: "Is it too late to get your money back?"
: "You get a happy
marriage with a husband who doesn't go nuts and slap you, I get Hank
Pym. You get twins, I get Ultron. You get the simple origin of being a
mutant, what do I get? I'll tell you what I got...."
: "...twins what now?"
----- Ten years earlier -----
: "Please help me, Ant-Man! Aliens killed my father!"
: "I shall provide you with a new body, and new (bug-)troops to command."
: "...and?"
: "And nothing! You belong to me now."
-------------
: "Wow, that's harsh."
: "And it didn't get any better. Freaking Rick Jones was more use to the Avengers in our early days than I was."
: "Well, there's no need to be insulting to Rick."
: "And I swear, I got captured and tied up so much, Tony Stark thought I was paying for it to happen to me."
: "Were you?"
: "No! And yet, that
hardly ever happens to you, unless the whole team gets captured. And
when it does, it's promoted with special bondage-covers and
everything..."
: "Don't talk like I ever asked for any of that."
: "And I spend all that time convincing Wonder Man to make a move on you, and you break up with him?"
: "Wonder Man? That never happened."
: "Are you living in denial or something?"
: "Don't be silly, aren't he and Beast..."
: "That's what I thought,
but he had a thing for you, and so I helped him wreck your marriage,
out of sheer spite, jealousy and bitterness."
: "It's a good thing that never happened."
: "Yes it did. After all
that time of being judged and looked down on for my having other
relationships after my divorce, it was so awesome for me to see you
shacked up with that hairy oaf, completely destroying your 'good girl'
image."
: "Are you sure you're not making this all up? I don't remember any of it. And you were with other guys other than Hawkeye?"
: "Oh yes, there was Tony
Stark, Paladin, Young Tony Stark, Swarm, and I never did tell you about
what happened between me and your father during the Secret Wars, did I?"
: "......what?"
: "Or with your brother, during the Avengers/Ultraforce crossover..."
: "....Pietro? No!"
: "I wish I had a camera to capture the look on your face right now."
: "....uh...Jan?"
: "What?"
: "Your coke-ravaged nose has fallen off. Again."
: "Dammit! Not again! I gotta go get Hank to fix this. You stay here, and think about what an idiot you are."
: "Idiot? Why?"
:
"For about five minutes the other day, I thought I might be pregnant.
Superheroes should never have kids. And you tried to have two? Idiot!"
: "Wow, what a bitch."
: "........"
: "........"
: "........"
: "........"
: ".......wait. Children? Me? What?"
----- That Night -----
: "Vision, did I once have children?"
: ".....can we not talk about this now?"
: "Why not? Wasp said..."
: "I'm really not comfortable with this conversation."
: "But this is important. We have to talk about it."
: "Wanda, you've asked me the same question every night for the past six months."
: "........"
----- The Next Day -----
: "Am I going insane? And if I am, who can I turn to for help?"
: "The other Avengers are my friends, aren't they? They've always treated me well, haven't they?"
----- Nine Years Ago -----
: "Avengers Assemble!"
: "OK, go!"
: "What's the emergency?"
: "Baron Zemo's pilot's cousin's poker-buddy's golf-caddy is attacking the city!"
: "So let's go!"
: "Behind you!"
: "What? You said he was in the city."
: "No, behind you. The kitchen's that way, woman!"
--------------
: *grrr*
----- Seven Years Ago -----
: "Hey, Witchie. I just got dumped by the Widow again, so I figured I'd propose to you."
: "What?"
: "Well, it's not like you're gonna do any better, is it?"
: "But I'm already with Vision."
: "You're choosing an android over me? I'm the ultimate hard-luck hero!"
: "I didn't 'choose him over you', you were never an option. You're just trying to use me as you rebound from being dumped."
: "That's not the way I see it. Why, you've emasculated me so badly, I'm wearing a skirt now."
: "Freak."
------------
: *grrr*
----- Also Seven Years Ago -----
: "Wanda! I am calling from Attilan with wonderful news! I am going to marry Crystal, princess of the Inhumans!"
: "Pietro, that is good news! I too, have finally found someone!"
: "....after all I've done for you? Betrayer! I disown you!"
: "....what? How could you?"
: "So, who is it?"
: "Our good friend and team-mate, The Vision."
: "But he's a machine! I disown you a second time! Goodbye forever!"
: "That was uncalled for. And am I right in guessing that you'd have said that, whoever it was she was with?"
: "Probably, yes. But she's making it so easy for me to justify it, isn't she?"
: "Wait, is this thing still on?"
: "Yes, I can still see and hear you."
: "Crap."
------------------
: *grrr*
----- Six Years Ago -----
: "So, they tell me that The Vision has my brain-patterns?"
: "Yes, but that doesn't mean you're in any way alike..."
: "What it means, is that you my bitch now, ho."
: "What? Aren't your and Beast..."
: "It's the principle of it, yo?"
---------------
: *grrr*
----- Four Years Ago -----
: "I've rebuilt your husband, but he won't be quite the same."
: "Greetings."
: "Is there any reason he's now an earless eunuch?"
: "Oh,
it's like when you take a car apart and rebuild it. Just seeing how
many parts I could leave out, and still make it work."
: "Oh. Great. Thanks."
: "We left his personality and memories out, too, and he STILL works! It's amazing!"
: "Why, I can't even tell the difference between the rebuilt Vision and the way he was before!"
: *cries*
---------------
: *grrr*
----- Two Years Ago -----
: "Tony, you made me leader of Force Works, yet you never follow my orders."
: "Me? Put someone else in charge? You're not the boss of me!"
: "So what was the point of putting me in charge?"
: "Maybe I was drinking when I said that."
---------------
: *grrr*
: "Maybe they're not so great after all."
: "The Avengers remain your friends, as do I."
: "Agatha, did I have children?"
: "'Yes', and yet 'no'."
: "What?"
: "The answers you seek must remain hidden from you."
: "Stop speaking in riddles! Where are my children? Why can't I remember them?"
: "Because you're freaking nuts, that's why."
: ".....OK, I've had all I can stand, and I can't stand no more."
: "Happy now? See what you made me do?"
: "No, of course you're not happy. You're dead. And...wait. Why was I here? What am I doing?"
: "You were here..."
: "...to look after us."
: "Don't lose us again, mother."
: "No, no. No-one's going to take you away again. They'll all pay for keeping us apart..."
----to be concluded----
The above is a parody. All characters ™ © Marvel Comics.
All micros property of their respective designers - if you want to be credited, e-mail microadv (at-sign) graffiti.net.