One day, Joe Gamolli was walking down the street. He did that most days actually. But this was to be a day unlike any other. For one thing, Christmas Day was just two days away.
As Joe walked down the street past crowded shops and busy shoppers, he noticed that someone was following him. After this went on for a minute, he took a turn down a side-street, hoping to lose his pursuer. When that didn’t work, Joe finally turned to confront the pest. He then saw the strangest form he’d ever seen in his life!
Joe Gamolli: Gaaah! What are you?
SpeedFeet: I am SpeedFeet! I am a regular human like you!
Joe Gamolli: No! No you’re not! You’re not human!
SpeedFeet: You mean… you can see through my disguise?
Joe Gamolli: Disguise? I couldn’t even tell you were trying to look like a human. I mean, your arms are all dangly and strange, you’ve got no pupils, your legs don’t appear to have knees.
SpeedFeet: I see. I shall explain–
Joe Gamolli: I mean, you don’t even have a mouth! You were just telling me with telepathy or something that you were a normal human! That’s ridiculous!
SpeedFeet: Well, the thing is–
Joe Gamolli: Eeeeeeewwwww. You really give me the creeps, you know?
Joe Gamolli: Geez, you’re ugly. Now. What do you want?
SpeedFeet: Ah. I’d be happy to explain. I’m here to learn about Christmas.
Joe Gamolli: Christmas? What are you?
SpeedFeet: I am a DEMON! But I got kicked out of Hell when I put up a Christmas tree… I thought it looked cool. But Big Lou didn’t like it, so I got the boot. And so now I’m trapped on Earth. I’m using all my magic to appear human and to live among you and now I’ve grown curious about the upcoming celebrations.
Joe Gamolli: Wait, you’re a demon? You’re from Hell? So, you’re evil, right?
SpeedFeet: Until I got kicked out, I guess I was.
Joe Gamolli: And you’re using all your magic to appear in human form.
SpeedFeet: That’s correct.
Joe Gamolli: All your magic?
Joe Gamolli: Are you sure? I mean, how much magic do you have? It can’t be very much. You look like a child that the circus freaks would abandon because they thought it looked too stupid.
SpeedFeet: I assure you, I’m using powerful arcane energy to appear before you as such.
Joe Gamolli: All the powerful arcane energy that you have?
SpeedFeet: That’s correct.
Joe Gamolli: Did you ever take lessons about how to use magic? I mean, if you’re a rookie, just admit it.
SpeedFeet: I have over three thousand years of experience using my magic in Hell’s service.
Joe Gamolli: You’re like, Timmy the Retarded Demon. I feel bad for you.
SpeedFeet: Actually, I go by SpeedFeet.
Joe Gamolli: Oh yeah! What’s up with that? I mean, is that supposed to sound like a human name?
SpeedFeet: I’ll have you know, I looked that up. I made sure to use words from a human language.
Joe Gamolli: Right right. Man… you’re just sad.
There was a pause as Joe rubbed his knuckles in his eyes, then squinted at the demon again.
Joe Gamolli: Man, that’s sad.
SpeedFeet: Anyhow! As I was saying! I was hoping I could learn a few things about Christmas from you.
Joe Gamolli: Well, what do you know so far?
SpeedFeet: I witnessed a family decorating a tree, so I know about that. And when the Boss was kicking me out, he yelled some stuff about the day being a celebration of his arch-enemy. That’s all I got.
Joe Gamolli: Well, you’re off to a good start. The main thing about Christmas these days is that you’re supposed to feel joy and the spirit of generosity.
SpeedFeet: And the Spirit in question doesn’t mind letting you feel him up?
Joe Gamolli: Uh… no. So most people go out and buy presents for their loved ones.
SpeedFeet: Awww. That makes me sad. Here I am, experiencing my first Christmas as a human–
Joe Gamolli: As a human? You wish.
SpeedFeet: –and I have nobody to give gifts to, nor anyone to recieve them from.
Joe Gamolli: Hmmmm.
And then Joe, seeing the sadness in the twisted little form’s eye-like things, decided that he would give the ultimate gift this year. He would teach a demon the Joy of Christmas.
Joe Gamolli: Listen. I’ve got some time before I need to be anywhere, let’s go to the mall and get gifts for each other.
SpeedFeet: Really? Frickin’ sweet, bitch!
And so Joe showed the demon the was to the mall.
Joe Gamolli: Okay, we’ll split up and meet back here in half an hour to exchange our presents. Sound good?
SpeedFeet: Yes, Joe. Except that I don’t know what I should get you. What do you usually get for presents?
Joe Gamolli: Well… Last year I got this turtleneck sweater I’m wearing. My aunt gave it to me because she knows I like them. The best gifts are the ones that are given because you know the person will enjoy them. Now, I know we don’t know each other very well, so–
SpeedFeet: Wait! I know just the thing!
Joe Gamolli: Yeah? Okay then, let’s split up!
And so the two went their separate ways and explored the shopping complex. When they’d both found and purchased their gifts, they reconciled.
SpeedFeet: I have your gift! I have your gift! I’m Christmassing!
Joe Gamolli: Settle down, fella. Settle down.
SpeedFeet: Okay, let’s exchange now.
The two beings traded their gifts and Joe was the first to open his.
Joe Gamolli: A pair of blind-person glasses?
SpeedFeet: That’s right! They’ll allow you to see less light, and thus less of me.
Joe Gamolli: That’s not bad, I admit. I mean, while we were split up there, I vomited three times just because of what you look like. You’re a sad, pathetic, ugly little reject.
SpeedFeet: Now, I’ll open mine.
Joe Gamolli: Go ahead.
SpeedFeet: A gun? That’s the coolest present ever!
Joe Gamolli: I knew you’d like it, on account of you’re evil.
SpeedFeet: Thank you, my new friend. You’ve helped me experience Christmas Joy!
Joe Gamolli: Oh, by the way. I’m a werewolf.
Gasp! Gasp as you behold the terrible shock ending of the tale! Did it happen? Will it happen? Could it happen to you? Only time, and the future, can possibly tell. Ah-hahahaha!
Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Minimum
Originally posted on Contains2 Thursday 23 December 2004