It was a dark and stormy night. The moon was eerily full and reddish in color, though it could not be seen because of the storm. In the small town on Hammock, Idaho most people were staying at home, keeping warm by the fireplace or, perhaps, a flame-filled garbage can. But one man, Justin Gutfeld, was not at home. He was working late at the town’s famous hammock factory. And it is here that our story begins.
Justin Gutfeld was a horrible man. He hated everyone by himself. To this end he bought a book that supposedly contained real working magical curses that he could use. It was on this dark and stormy full-moon night that Justin went to his job at the hammock factory with evil intentions!
He began the hammock making machinery in the typical way, but wore a long dark robe that the safety supervisor would frown upon if he had seen it. During the hammock making process Justin sacrificed a lamb and smeared its blood on the machinery while invoking the evil god Jardoth (He For Whom The Blood Rivers Do Flow).
As Justin finished the ritual the machine finished its. A hammock was created. The most vile hammock ever, though it looked like any other. Justin placed it in the pile of completed hammocks that was kept in the deep freeze (to prevent melting, of course) and hurried home giggling.
The next day the hammock was shipped out to a department store in Department, Idaho.
Brian Caulderfield was a man who liked to relax. He was a medical doctor who worked for a hospital in Medic, Idaho. As such he worked long hours saving people’s lives. He felt that when he wasn’t doing his work, he deserved a nice rest. It was with this in mind that he began converting his basement into a relaxation paradise of sorts.
And now, with the wall-size television, the soothing miniature waterfall, the robotic butler, the genetically modified plants that emit relaxation rays and the massage-o-matic jacuzzi/oxygen bar there was only one thing that Brian needed before he felt his mission would be complete. That was why he went shopping.
And unless you’re retarded you know he bought the cursed hammock.
Even before Brian bought the hammock it was showing it’s evil ways. The delivery man who brought it to the store rear-ended a cop-car and was brutally beaten for it. The stock boy who put it on the shelf twisted his wrist. Even the cashier who rang it through was blinded by that little laser thing. And now, as it rested in Brian’s passenger seat, it began to work once more.
It began to rain and Brian found the roads to be slippery and dangerous. Suddenly a large truck careened towards Brian’s car! Brian stayed calm and was able to avoid the truck. The hammock would have been pissed, were it capable of thought.
Brian pulled into his driveway and got out of the car. Here, the curse struck once more. A bolt of lightning came down from the stormy sky! It would have struck Brian and melted him to the driveway, were it not for that lightning rod that Brian had installed to power his robot butler.
Brian took the hammock out of his car and headed up the stairs. He might have slipped, if not for his calm nerves steadying his hands and grabbing the rail. Going down the stairs to his basement, the hammock tried again, but again, Brian just grabbed the rail.
As Brian prepared to set up his new purchase, the hammock caused another unlikely event to occur. A portal opened in thin air that allowed a horde of Barbarian Cyborgs From The Robot Viking Dimension to come through. But even as they were preparing to sack, loot and raze everything Brian loved, they noticed what a sweet setup he had. Instead, they befriended Brian and even helped him set up his hammock.
As Brian and the Cyborgs chilled, the hammock went to its last-ditch effort. It summoned forth all the evil power at its disposal and pulled a comet out of its orbit and placed it into a path that collided with the Earth. Moving unnaturally fast the comet began to light up the night sky and affect the tides. But then, at the last possible moment, Brian noticed what was happening and made the logical deduction that it had to be the hammock that was the cause. He hurled the hammock through the portal to Robot Viking Dimension and the comet found itself free of mystic control and went back to its former path through the sky.
And so, the hammock left our world. But could it happen again? And if it did, would you be so relaxed as to be ready for it?
Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Guns
Originally on Contains2 February 04, 2006