It’s a well known fact that, for the most part, the people of North America are just plain fatter than they ought to be. And I’m not talking “Phat” here (North America is clearly just the right amount of phat), I’m talking about people being grossly overweight.

A big deal is made of the health problems this can lead to, and everyone knows that fat people look funny when they do just about anything. But there’s a lot more to the problem, that just doesn’t come up as often.

I’ll come out and say what is on everybody’s mind, but that nobody has the balls to admit:

Fat People Are The Reason There Isn’t Anything Good On Television.

Fat people are lazy, right? Therefore, Fat people who spend their days working will inevitably waddle home to grab some food and sit in front of their televisions and watch whatever comes on. Not only are they too lazy to actively search for something better, but their sluggish, overindulged brains actually prefer the numbing effect of stupid programming that doesn’t take up very much mental energy. Fat people like to always have some mental energy engaged solely in the task of reminding the body that food tastes good.

Thus, fat people are the reason that Andy Richter Controls the Universe got cancelled and fat people are the reason so many other shows that I could never bother to even pretend to think are good ideas haven’t been.

The fat people, or Bhuddalicious as they sometimes prefer to be called, might try to argue this point, but they’re fat, so it doesn’t matter.

Plus, you’ve probably seen news reports on television about obesity. Without fail, these reports will show a series of shots of grossly overweight people walking around city streets and only their knees to neck (AKA, the Fat Zone) are visible. If there were less fat people, the news would be reporting the increase in good health and they’d have to show us attractive bodies on the news. Attractive bodies! On the news!

In conclusion, I think the world would benefit from manditory fat checks at all places that sell televisions. Write your congresswoman today. Unless you live in one of those sexist places that don’t elect women. If so, I hope you choke.

 

Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Stormtroopers
Written for Contains2 on April 10, 2004