Halloween Is Better Than Christmas

I like Halloween. I’m not that crazy about Christmas. That’s right. Christmas is, by far, a much more popular holiday in this North American arena. I know that, but I just don’t get it.

From what I have seen, and every sitcom seems to agree with me, Christmas has this big focus of how families are supposed to come together as a close group, but it doesn’t really work that way. If the family isn’t a close group, the pressures of getting on at Christmas simply make things worse. Halloween has none of that pressure. The suicide rate doesn’t increase around Halloween, I bet. Though considering that the worlds of living and dead are supposed to be close, I’ve got to wonder if suiciders would have an easier time then getting dead around then… Hmmm…

I’ll get you all started by explaining what Christmas and Halloween are, for those who might not know. (Like kids from Paraguay. I’m pretty sure they don’t have these in Paraguay)

Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus, savior of the Christian people. Thousands of years ago Jesus was killed so that humanity would be free of sin. As he died he proclaimed that his followers had to celebrate his birth every year, for that is why he saved them. In order to make sure that children always looked forward to Christmas like Jesus wanted, parents were to give presents to their children. That way kids eagerly await celebrating Jesus’s love (by gaining material goods).

Halloween is a celebration of death in which we remember those who have come and gone before us. At some point ghosts told us that the ideal way to pay homage to the dead was to dress up as ghosts or skeletons or vampires or pirates or pantomime horses or whatever pop culture characters we felt like being. Then, if it isn’t too much trouble we should go to our neighbors homes and force them to give us food. The ghosts are pleased by this because ghosts think it is funny to see people who don’t care about Halloween have to turn away from the television every five minutes to humor some children.

Okay, I admit, both of these holidays are largely commercialized wastes of time. Neither remain true to what they are supposed to be about (Just to keep the Paraguanians up to speed, my descriptions above were actually lies. All lies.) and the are pretty much just about television networks airing special episodes and, in one case, time off school.

But both days still hold their atmospheres. They each feel a certain way. It is this, the way they feel, that makes me like Halloween more.

I’ll accept that Christmas with its pine trees and tinsel and reindeer and all that stuff has a “nicer” feel to it. That aside, it does not compare Halloween’s ghosts and monsters and is just cooler. Halloween could just plain kick Christmas’s ass. And here, I shall prove it:

  • Reindeer vs. Vampire = Though the deer can fly and has a powerful kick, I don’t know of any vampire folklore that says red noses can harm the undead.
  • Goblins vs. Santa’s Elves = Sure they make expert spies as far as watching naughty children is concerned, but these elves just are just not Legolas-level. Goblins win.
  • Snowmen vs. Jack O’ Lanterns = That glow in any self-respecting Jack O’Lantern is fire. Fire melts snow, people. And the outer pumpkin shell should protect the fire as the snowmen melt.
  • Santa and Jesus vs. A horde of monsters = The Bosses of Christmas are by far the most formidable that that team has to offer. But Halloween’s lack of any clear figurehead means that Halloween can throw millions of different beasts onto the battlefield. Plus Jesus would probably end the fight peacefully, which means both teams win.

So basically Halloween gets three wins and a draw. That sounds like a cooler holiday to me.

Plus, on Christmas children just sit there and have presents handed to them. On Halloween they have to get off their asses and get that candy themselves. Which is a better thing to be teaching those kids, eh?

I’m done.

Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Honey

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