Well, September has come and started up, and I’ve noticed, a heck of a lot of new students moving into my building. I know these are fragile young persons who are starting at colleges and universities in the hopes of building a better future for themselves. It moves my heart a little.

Now I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself an “expert” on education. I’d settle for “Person who knows everything about”. As such, I think I owe it to the next generation to share my wisdom. If you’re starting up some schooling and don’t know what to expect, read on:

1) Don’t Look Stupid

Professors (and to a lesser extent janitorial staff) need to weed out the dumb students. If there are people in a class who don’t know the answers, it makes it look like the educators can’t teach, so teachers need these students to drop out and fast!

Of course, as you are a new student, the professors won’t know you. Their opinion of your intelligence will need to based on physical appearance. Now some actual physical attributes will make you look smart (for example a huge forehead or Chineseness) and others (way lots of bodyhair or retard-looking deformities) will make you look dumb, but you don’t have as much choice over those as you do your wardrobe, so we’ll focus on that instead.

By carefully considering every item you wear you will have complete control over how people percieve you. To aid in this I will present you with a list of wearable items, alongside the response each will get:

Glasses = It may seem obvious but glasses make you look intelligent. The thicker the smarter until the point that the eyes become disconcertingly large looking.

Sunglasses = Unfortunately sunglasses will make you look cool, but not smart. In fact, cool and smart are rarely easy to attain together.

Monocles = Monocles make you look rich, but not necessarily smart. But they’ll want to keep rich people in school too.

Night Vision Goggles = Perhaps not surprisingly Night-Vision Goggles work very well as long as they’re on your forehead by day on on your eyes by night. You’ll look like you’re planning ahead.

Mortarboard Cap = You’ll look smart, but they won’t want you to remain in school. Avoid.

Propellor Hats = These will make you look retarded. Retards are not wanted in schools.

Hearing Aids = If a teacher sees that you need a machine to your hearing for you, he’ll think you’re type of person who needs a calculator to do your brainwork for you. You don’t want that.

Casts = If you were stupid enough to break a limb, perhaps you’re too stupid for school, they’ll think.

Jewelry = If you can afford jewelry (gaudy is okay as long as it is not cheap) your either smart enough to make money, or smart enough to commit robberies successfull. Either way is good.

Wedding Rings = Unlike other jewelry, these show how stupid you are. All professors think marriage is a stupid and evil thing.

Yarmulkes = Jews have to study the Torah and studying is important. Thus, these are a plus.

Hip, Trendy Clothes = Kids today are idiots, professors know this. Therefore whichever types of clothing are popular at any given time automatically become proof of stupidity! Beware!

Business Attire = This one is a good choice. You’ll look, as they say, sharp.

Tuxedos = Bad choice. You’ll look good, but stupid.

Breast Implants = These will help distract from any other features you have that make you look stupid, so they might not be a bad idea.

Clothes Made Out Of Old Computers = Computers are smart, so wearing computers will give teachers a subconsious hint that you are also, smart.

And that’s about enough of that.

2) Remember Your Previous Schooling

If you’ve made it as far as you have, the odds are good that you have been in school before. It’ll occur to you that you probably won’t need to remember anything that you learned in previous schools, since this is a different one.

WRONG!

Modern schools try to improve your education by building upon that which you already know. So quit thinking that you’re kind dipstick of smartland and retain knowledge.

3) Ignore The Sacrifices

A lot of first time students, especially those who grew up in suburban areas, are suprised by the sheer number of blood sacrifices one finds on the average North American campus. It’s a simple fact that a lot of virgins are killed and their souls offered to pagan gods by those who seek to enhance their greades. Get used to it.

This is a practice that began in the early days of the schools we now call Ivy League and it has spread to nearly all schools that aren’t Christian-specific (in fact, it is even beginning to occur in some High Schools in the Midwest).

You may be shocked and appalled at first, but don’t panic. It’s a perfectly natural occurance and you will get used to it. In fact, in a few years you’ll likely be slitting the throats of chaste young persons yourself. This is what post-secondary education is about, learning about the world, and what you are capable of.

There is, of course, some risk that you, if you’re a virgin or at least if you look like one, you could be sacrificed. The best way to avoid that is to whore it up in as public a manner as possible. This is why Internet Porn starring college-age people “Gone Wild” is so popular. It proves they aren’t pure enough to be killed and used as demonic currency.

And when you get into the sacrifices yourself, remember to bring towels. That stuff gets messy.

4) Don’t Commit Suicide

If you want an easy way out, killing yourself is not the answer. It may seem glamourous thanks to all the movies and whatnot, but suicide is totally uncool.

Whenever a human soul leaves the mortal realm by means of suicide, a Grollu is created. Grollus are horrible impish little creatures that rape pets and break toys. They have powers that allow them to fly and move things with their minds. And they enjoy chewing on buildings. All in all, they’re a nuisance. Do you think your problems are so important that it would be worth making a Grollu to be free of them?

If you’re that self-important you’re a jerk and someone will be perfectly willing to murder you. Then you get dead like you wanted and we don’t get a Grollu. Everyone wins.

5) Build A Robot

If you have the technology and the knowhow, build a robot. It will make the school year way cooler. Way, way cooler.