I was just looking at my calendar. We ain’t gonna have another Friday the Thirteenth until May (it falls on the Thirteenth, I believe). And I can’t even remember when the last one was. September, maybe? And to be honest, I’m not even sure what the date is today! Well I sure as heck ain’t gonna swivel my head to find out! Instead, I’m going to pine for the day of days, the original badluck holiday.

Sure, Friday the Thirteenth has a bad reputation. As well it should. If my understanding is correct, the number thirteen, in ancient times, was used as farmers as the ideal number of cows to have on a farm at any given time. These were the early days of agriculture, before such advances as cattle prods, fences and buckets. Farmers had to keep their cows on leashes made of papyrus and bronze and milk was carried in baskets made of woven reeds. Incidentally, this is where the expression “woven reed basket of milk” comes from.

Anyway, as I said farmers considered thirteen to be the ideal number of cows. They believed it so much that it became part of their farmer religions. Thus, when Jesus’s followers went nuts and decided Jesus wanted them to demonize all other people’s beliefs, they told the farmers that thirteen was a wicked number of cows to have. Thirteen cows, was heretical! To have thirteen cows would curse the farmers. Hence, bad luck.

Now as for Fridays, Fridays were condemned by the Christians too. You see, unlike many days, Friday is actually named after a pagan god! I’m almost positive it was… uh… Fridacles Day. Yeah, after the Roman god of leverage. Yeah. Leverage. That’s how they were able to build those pyramids in Rome, y’know.

Anyway, when the Christians conquered Rome and turned it all unpagan, they decided that Fridacles was a bad role model because he was a tempermental and violent being who demanded sacrifices. Also, I’m pretty sure he mated with a frog one time and had a frog-man for a son. It guarded a magical river, but was always angry that its father didn’t visit stay with its mother. And Christians believe in matrimony, so Fridacles was outta luck.

Things took a turn for the worse in 1351. Pope Nanciboi IX had just finished inventing Tennis when the unlucky day dawned and he tripped and fell and bruised his arm. The Pope and his advisors searched long and hard for a reason that God would allow a bad thing to happen, when they saw it. It was Friday the Thirteenth! It was realized then and there, that this was an unlucky day. Because, when you have an evil number and an evil day, what do you get when they meet up? Double Evil! It becomes a date where any God Fearing soul should watch out, because man, bad stuff can go down!

After that first Friday the Thirteenth, there came others. Also, there were some movies. And things got worse with each passing occasion. It’s a little known fact that the assassination of Lincoln, the attack on Pearl Harbour, the St. Valentines Day Massacre, the day Star Trek was cancelled and the day the music died were all on Friday the Thirteenth. Let that soak in for a minute. I need a glass of water.

Now, if all this is true, and I’m telling you here and now it is, then why on God’s Spleen, Earth would I want it to be Friday the Thirteenth today? Good question. It shows you’ve been paying attention. I want it to be Friday the Thirteenth because I’m a pagan god! That’s right! You should have guessed it by now! I am Fridacles! And if it were Friday the Thirteenth right now, I’d have the leverage I’d need to at long last topple the Christian Church and reclaim my worshippers over the world! Ahahahahaha! Ah hahahaha! Ahahaha!

Also, I need money to pay for my stupid kid’s swimming lessons. You’d thin being half frog, he’d know how to swim, but no. He had to get MY legs and his mother’s face. Is it any wonder I leave him off protecting that stream? The other gods make fun of me. It’s not fair. Not fair…

Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Tie
This one originally went up on Contains2 Tuesday 22 February 2005