It was on this night fourty-two years ago that a small town in upstate New York became famous, for it was on this night (January 30th) that the small town of Yellowton became the scene of the grimmest, gruesomest, grossest, gregariousest crime scene in the entirety of the twentyeth century.
That night began like any other, local Police Captain Ted Barnes began his shift by beating up the local drunk Leroy Dodgeford. After beating Leroy for a good five minutes, Ted got into his car and began his patrol.
About ten minutes later a message came over Ted’s police radio concerning an escaped mental patient who was believed to have been seen heading towards Yellowton. Ted grew concerned, for this was no ordinary mental patient whom he could mock and devalue, this mental patient was a Killer Maniac That Murdered!
But Ted soon forgot his fears in the process of shooting a blind man in the leg, but he would live to regret his forgetfulness. (At least, he would until the end of the Legend of the Killer Maniac That Murdered, ’cause then he gets killed.)
So, Ted went about his business as, in another part of Yellowton a taxi driver dropped off his fare and was paid and tipped well. The driver thanked the customer. THEN HE GOT KILLED! Because the customer was none other than the Killer Maniac That Murdered (who has a hook for a hand, by the way).
The Maniac had been dropped off on a secluded road near the outskirts of Yellowton. He wandered down the road where he saw a car.
Inside the car were two teenagers, Rick, Yellowton’s star quarterback and Judy, the head cheerleader. The two of them were in the back seat reading about biology and preparing for the following week’s exams. THEN THEY BOTH GOT KILLED!
Later, this other guy was driving down the highway and the Maniac jumped out of the back seat of his car. The guy screamed and drove off the road. THEN THE MANIAC KILLED HIM! Then the other guy who was in the back seat jumped out, and saw that he was too late to kill the driver. THEN THE MANIAC KILLED HIM TOO!
Later still, Ted the Police Captain got a call saying he should go to a house on Greenwater Road. Soon he was on the scene and approaching the house. THE DOOR WAS OPEN! And suddenly Ted remembered that the radio message about the escaped mental patient had said that his Modus Operandi was to kill a bunch of people then leave some house door open on Greenwater Road. Seeing what a fool he was, Ted decided he should go pick on that deaf Walters kid.
So, the Maniac got onto the motorcycle and lit his cigarette. THEN HE GOT CANCER! But he didn’t know, so he chuckled to himself as he left the town of Yellowton behind and ran over Ted on the way.
And they say that on the anniversary of this night, if the winds are calm and the sky is clear, you can still hear the sound of the werewolf howling.
Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Metal
Originally posted on Contains2 Thursday 30 January 2003