The Big Cow Story

John just kept getting punched in the face. No matter what, it just kept happening. I guess that’s something we’d all do well to think about. But this isn’t John’s story. This is Carlo’s story.

Carlo was on his way home from work one day when he came across the biggest cow he had ever seen. In fact, it was the second biggest cow in history, but Carlo had not seen the bigger one. Carlo got out of his car and walked up to the fence that surrounded the field the cow was grazing in.

As Carlo gazed in astonishment, the farmer who owned the cow noticed him and wandered up. “She’s a big ‘un isn’t she?” he said when he caught Carlo’s attention?

Carlo nodded. “How’d it get so big? I’ve seen houses smaller than that!”

“Well,” said the farmer “It’s like my grandfather always said. ‘Give a cow the right environment and it’ll show you its full potential.”

Carlo thought about that for a moment, then asked “What about your other cows?” He pointed to some cows elsewhere in the field which were normally sized. “They live in the same environment. Shouldn’t they be big too?”

“Y’know, I never thought about that.” The farmer then walked away scratching his head in thought. Carlo took one last look at the gigantic bovine, then continued home.

The next day on his trip home from work, Carlo noticed that now there were two giant cows. He stopped to look and saw the farmer sitting nearby. He went to talk.

“I see you’ve got another giant cow. How’d you do it?”

“Well,” said the farmer “I can’t says I know. I was thinkin’ about what you said so I started watering the grass, hopin’ it would help. Suddenly, I turned around and then there was another big cow.”

The two men watched the cows in silence for a moment. Suddenly, lightning struck and they noticed there was another giant cow.

“Holy smokes,” said Carlo.

“Well, I’m shocked!” said the farmer. “It’s the lightning! My grandfather was a friggin’ moron!”

The men went into the field and looked up at the clouds. There, they saw the muscular form of some guy sitting and holding lighting bolts that looked like they were made of plastic.

“Hey! You!” yelled Carlos.

The man in the clouds looked down. “Who speaks to me?”

“I do! Who are you?”

“I am the pagan god Ron.”

“Ron?” said the farmer. “I’ve never heard of no pagan god called Ron.”

“Well,” said Ron. “There is one. And I’m him.”

Carlos asked “So you’re the one making the cows grow huge, are you?”

“Yes,” said Ron.

“Why?” asked the farmer.

“What, you don’t like big cows?”

“Actually, as a farmer, big cows are very good for me.”

“And you,” Ron pointed at Carlo “Do you have a problem with big cows?”

“I guess not.”

“Damn right. Now both of you get lost! And don’t tell anyone about this! GO!”

Rather than risk the god’s sudden wrath, the men left, the farmer going inside and Carlo back to his car.

Over the following weeks Carlo noticed more and more giant cows in the farmer’s field. Eventually, every single cow had been made enormous. After that, while driving home Carlo noticed that the farmer was a giant now. He pulled over and got the farmer’s attention.

“Hey! Did Ron make you a giant now too?”

“Yeah,” the farmer said. “He ran out of cows and got bored.”

“So… What’s it like?”

“It sucks. Now I have to eat children.”

Carlo was taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I guess I don’t have to, but it makes it a lot easier to be a giant.”

“I don’t understand,” Carlo said.

“Of course you wouldn’t. You’re tiny.”

Carlo thought for a moment and the farmer turned back to his work (He was filling out tax information). Carlo then walked into the field, avoiding all the giant cows and looked up at the cloud. He saw Ron relaxing and reading Cat Fancy.

“Hey Ron!”

“What?”

“I’ll give you five bucks to turn everything back to normal and never make stuff gigantic again.”

“Sweet!”

And that was how Carlo saved the day.

Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Granite

  1. Kneel before the awesomeness that is RON!!!!!!!

  2. Thanks for the five bucks, man!

    It really got me out of a tight spot with my dealer.

  3. If Ron starts getting worshippers because of this story, I demand he give me five dollars.

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