So you want to be cool, eh? Well that right there is proof that you are not cool. If you were cool, you’d not need to have some guide that tells you how to be cool, you already would be cool. So, logic indicates that you are a loser. Probably a big loser. And big losers aren’t cool. So, keep that in mind, loser, because you’re about to learn the secret of being cool! I’ll act as your Sherpa taking you from the Valley of Pathetic Bladderwad like you are now all the way up to the top of the highest peaks of Cool Mountain!

The first thing a loser like you needs to know is what, exactly, it means to be cool. Coolness is not an easy thing to define, it has taken many brilliant minds and many years of tireless effort to pin down exactly what makes someone cool. You’re really very lucky that someone as cool as me is here and willing to help a loser like you out by telling you once and for all what cool means:

One who is cool is better than those who are not. That is all you need to know.

So to be cool, you have to make the uncool masses, or ‘the sheep’, think that you are super great, even if… no, especially if you aren’t. Once you have convinced the sheep that you are better than they are, they will treat you well in the hopes that you will help them become better.

Now the question is, how can someone as pathetic and loserly as you (because you really are a loser, you know) convince the sheep that you are better than they are? You’d think it would be hard, what with you being such a loser, but it really is so simple that even you can do it. Check it out.

 

How To Be Cool! (in three easy steps)

• Step One: Start Smoking.

Everyone cool smokes, this is a scientific fact. Think of the coolest person that you know. That person smokes. See? Amazing isn’t it? Also cool are Nuns that can’t spell the word ‘Bible’.

Smoking creates this wonderful aura around you that makes you irresistable to the sheep. They see the bluish haze surrounding you and they smell the sweet aroma of your coolness.

If people try to tell you about the “downsides” of smoking (as if there could be such a thing) then you must ignore them. Even if smoking were bad for your health, that would not be an acceptable reason for stopping. Doing things that are bad for you is like rebelling against your own body, and rebels are cool.

(Need proof that rebels are cool? Consider Star Wars. It had rebels and was cool.)

 

• Step Two: Use The Following Phrases

Sprinkle the following phrases into your everyday conversations and you’ll have it made!

1. “You ain’t lyin’!”

   This is a phrase that comes in handy when you need to clarify that the person speaking to you is not lying. Here’s an example of how it could be used in an everyday situation.

   Pete McFurby: Man, it’s cold today.

   Jack Cool: You ain’t lyin’!

   Pete McFurby: Whoa! You’re cool! You could totally tell that I was stating a fact.

2. “I won’t even lie!”

   Jack Cool: I won’t even lie, it’s cold today.

   Pete McFurby: Whoa! You’re cool! You said that you wouldn’t lie, thus removing any doubt I had about the veracity of your statement.

3. “You don’t even know!”

   Jack Cool: I’m freezing over here, you don’t even know!

   Pete McFurby: Whoa! You’re cool and I don’t even know why.

 

• Step Three: Tell People That You Are Cool

If you’ve followed the other steps correctly the groundwork will have been laid. Now you can easily force your opinion of self-coolness upon the sheep. But you can’t just come out and say “I’m cool!”; you need to be subtle. Here’s some ways to suggest your coolness in a more covert manner.

1. Make frequent references to ‘smacking losers upside the head’. This will help people see that you are anti-loser.
2. Refer constantly to the fact that you were raised by apes. If you say this metaphorically it will imply that you are cool. If you can say it honestly, then you’re clearly cool enough and not reading this article anyway. Which is a shame because I would’ve asked if you ever flung your feces.
3. Tell people that you are not down with God. God, being the Man, represents all that people don’t have, so anyone not down with him is like the ultimate rebel. If anyone makes the claim that God gave you all that you do have, reply to them thusly: “You can lick my freakin’ ass, Girly.”
4. Suggest subtly that you are a clone of Walt Disney. But remember to be subtle.

And so, once you’ve finished those three steps, you too can be cool! I’m glad I could help out a bunch of stupid pathetic losers like you. Keep reminding yourself “Coolness is Cool!”

 

Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Mississippi

Posted on Contains2: Tuesday 25 February 2003

Comments From Contains2:

Smoking Jedi Nun
February 26th, 2003 at 6:25 pm
You ain’t lying, Girly! And I won’t even lie.

Elizabeth
February 27th, 2003 at 4:51 pm
You loser smokings not cool you tard if you want to be cool then stop smoking and dont tell people how to be cool you ape monger if you want to be cool that then be your self. ass………….l…………….

Marq
February 27th, 2003 at 6:21 pm
Holy crap. I have to question myself as to why I am still amazed at how completely random strangers don’t get our satirical writings. I should probably ignore them, but it completely confounds me every single time!
I do, however, like the lack of punctuation in the bulk of Elizabeth’s comment, made up for with all those periods at the end. It added a hint of grandeur to it. You gotta like her moxie.

PDR
February 27th, 2003 at 8:19 pm
If I want to be cool, I should be myself? I dunno. I’m not really the type who is comfortable being myself. I’m really more into doing what’s popular…

Elizabeth’s mom
February 28th, 2003 at 12:32 pm
When Elizabeth was a child I dropped her on her head several times. Even when she was still in the womb. Unfortunately, she turned out to be uncool, even though falling on one’s head is the coolest thing around. And I’m not lying.

kip
March 3rd, 2003 at 11:05 am
Cool, what’s that about. I guess if you wanna be cold your entire life then that’s okay, but not me. I prefer Looc. The inverse of Cool, like the inverse of the potato famine. But not the inverse of mirror which is rorrim. Mmmm apples … I got them, right here?

Senor Sinister
March 5th, 2003 at 5:14 pm
well well you fools forgot the most important line of all: Whaz thuh dilly yo!

fEaR
April 17th, 2003 at 5:06 pm
Being uncool is fun…

Blue
April 17th, 2003 at 9:37 pm
I’d rather be myself…

Kathleen
April 18th, 2003 at 10:59 am
but wouldn’t the inverse of cool be 1/cool? I mean, the inverse of 102 isn’t 201!

Give me a break
April 19th, 2003 at 11:12 pm
LOL YOU PETHETIC LOOSER YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BEING COOL! TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH UR A PRETTY PETHETIC LOOSER! SMOKING TO B COOL? GIVE ME A BREAK YOU! YOU CAN BE A FUCKIN HACKER AND BE COOL, OR B NUM1 ON THE BASKETBALL TEAM AND B COOL! YOU CAN B A GREAT DANCER AND B COOL!
YOU DONT NEED TO ATC LIKE A STUPID SM0KIN FAG WHO CANT DO NOTHIN IN LIFE BUT BE A MORON 2 B COOL! SUCK IT UP LOOSER!

Give ME a (freakin’) BREAK
April 23rd, 2003 at 5:08 am
Erm.. i don’t dance, I suck at sports(esp. Basketball), I’m no hacker.. (I think i’ve been hacked before…) .. Am I uncool then? No.. wait! Since you know SO much about being cool.. you must be cool! therefore.. if i can’t spell and always shout like you, Then i’ll be cool!… Right… *rolls eyes*
P.S. Loser has ONE o.. not two!.. Pathetic.. NOT PETHETIC.. B? WHAT THE HECK!! just add one E!! are cool people like you this lazy about spelling? At least write #1.. that’s shorter 9and makes more sense) than NUM1…
P.P.S. Don’t try to use words you can’t spell.. that’s “uncool” (if there is such a word)
My 2 cents’ worth: To be “cool” is to be cold. (Hey, I’d rather be warm)

PDR
April 23rd, 2003 at 10:27 pm
Allow me to reiturate people: Smoking makes you cool!
You have to be some kind of moron to not understand that.

kip
April 24th, 2003 at 8:30 pm
Now kathleen, it really depends on How you define an inverse. For example the inverse of a complex number is the conjgate over the modulus of that complex number .. but what does that really mean … how knows … except me … and maybe Mr. ComplexNumber, who i think inventent complex numbers. What am i talking about … shut up Kip

KHALED
October 1st, 2003 at 6:45 pm
MAN I SMOKE IS WHAT MAKES US PEOPLE COOL FUCK THE LOSER AND FUCK WHO DONT SMOKE

kip
October 3rd, 2003 at 10:09 am
I smoke, but only when i’m on fire. And I can tell you for sure that it does smell bad.

monger
October 5th, 2003 at 9:41 pm
I like dookie

PDR
October 7th, 2003 at 10:45 pm
Know who else liked dookie? Your mom.

kip
October 8th, 2003 at 8:30 am
I also like dookie … but my mom doesn’t … i can neve agree with my mom.

fmm
October 11th, 2003 at 12:41 am
Man, if you were cool you’d say you like smoking dookie.

kip
October 12th, 2003 at 11:43 pm
I ‘could’ but then I would be saying stuff that was off the internet. And that’s against your dog’s beliefs.

fmm
October 14th, 2003 at 7:37 pm
You’ve stolen my values.

toker
June 18th, 2004 at 5:29 am
most “cool” people don’t hang out online all day looking up stupid shit like how to be cool, smoking definately helps but it won’t make you cool, a loser who smokes still looks like a loser. you wanna be cool, go with refer, it is less dangerous and more rebellious

kip
June 21st, 2004 at 11:50 am
Woahm, I didn’t realize you could physically be online to hangout … i’m sooo out of the loop. It must be the box people, they’re always throwing cardboard at me, and not even the good kind of cardboard. Ca – Ca – CardBOARD! That’s what i’d say to God if he asked me about The box people. God probably want to put people in his God Box.

Marq
June 21st, 2004 at 10:18 pm
Amen.

Mike
April 11th, 2005 at 5:27 pm
Dude you are possibly the coolest person i know you took such much wasted time out of you cool life to write that. I respect you for that.
Thanks…..

Jingus
April 11th, 2005 at 5:57 pm
SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

RZA
April 11th, 2005 at 5:58 pm
Thankya jingus

wtf
May 24th, 2005 at 6:01 pm
this is such a waste of time

~AmYbAbY~
May 28th, 2005 at 12:40 am
just be yourself to be cool…if you like to smoke then smoke…if u dont like to smoke then dont smoke, and let the smokers be. there is no reason to get over fights about what is cool and what isnt….cuz really, what is cool these days?