Patrick’s Pie Poetry Parade

I was planning on doing a Black History Month Poetry Parade, but I quickly realized that it’d probably just end up insulting (that’s how comedy works after all). I don’t feel like being insulting just now, so I’ll save that idea for next year. For now, let’s talk pies!

Germaine baked a pie
He took it on an airplane.
He ate it up there.

Pie? What is a pie?
I come from Mars and don’t know!
I will conquer one!

Haiku about pie.
That is what you are reading.
This is about pie.

Pie Fights.

The best way to win in a debate.
It to throw a pie in your opponent’s face.
Trust me on this, it will be great.
And soon pies will fly all over the place.

Cream pies work the best from what I’m told.
Banana or coconut are particularly good.
It also helps if your opponent is old
Because as far as they know, pies are just food.

Another tip: always aim for the eyes.
That makes it harder for them to fight back.
A good debater should have two dozen pies
And practice a lot so your aim doesn’t lack.

Aunt Bertha’s Famous Pies.

It came to pass one August morn
When the sun shone and the land was warm.
Aunt Bertha made an apple pie
And gave it to a food critic guy
He spread the word that it was great
It became the only pie the people ate
Aunt Bertha made a million dollars
And received all the best gentleman callers
But then Aunt Bertha’s archenemy Tess
Cooked up some trouble and some wickedness
Tess made pies that were unhealthy
And replaced the pies that made Aunt Bertha wealthy
The people ate the pies that were bad
And soon they became outraged, angry and mad
Aunt Bertha flew away in her magic measuring cup
Also, at some point a robot also showed up
In the end Bertha sold the rights to the pie
Tess got some therapy and Manny wanted to die
In the end, isn’t that what’s important?

Cherry, Apple, Pumpkin, Ham

Cherry, Apple, Pumpkin, Ham!
Baking pies of these I am!
The first is great, the second is good!
The third is nice, the fourth is ham!

I take the pies to my friends!
I’m giving the pies to them!
Bill loves his, Dan likes his!
Fred is pleased, Joe gets ham!

That is the whole story there!
Went back home without a care!
Ham Ham Ham, Ham Ham Ham!
Ham Ham Ham, Ham Ham Pie!

Math Stole Pie!

Once upon a freakin’ time!
Pie was yours and pie was mine!
Then came smart guys like Einstein!
And three-point-one-four-one-five-nine!

I don’t know where they get off!
Turing pie into math stuff!
The filling’s bitter, the crust is rough!
Don’t know ’bout you, I’ve had enough!

I walked up to some Math-y guy!
I punched him in his learned eye!
He whined and cried and asked me why!
I told him “That was for the PIE!”

Patrick D Ryall, the D is for Kremlin
Originally put onto Contains2 Thursday 26 February 2004

  1. Right on!!! We must take pie back from the math people. Down with math and up with pie. PIE! PIE!PIE!

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