X-Men vs Avengers: It's a Micro Adventure!
Translations provided by Babelfish. As ever, this Micro Adventure should not be read by people who are offended by things.
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Previously, on the X-Men:
---------- 2005 ----------
: "By order of the Office of National Emergency, this school is under control of the Sentinel Squad."
: "Sure, OK."
: "This school shall now be used as an internment camp reservation for all mutants on US
Soil."
: "Sure, OK."
: "Whatever you want. We won't try and stop you."
---------- 2006 ----------
: "The superhuman community is at war! We could really use the X-Men's help."
: "H*ll no, we're not helping you."
: "But this could help the public to see you as heroes, not as criminal outlaws!"
: "Screw you, and the horse you rode in on."
: "Did she just call me a horse or a whore?"
: "Oh, I'm sure you're both."
: "Hey, Kitty was right, you really can see my ego from space."
---------- 2008 ----------
: "What the H*ll, Cyclops? You say the X-Men are going to sit here and not be superheroes, and now
you're fighting all over the world and one of your super-battles gets a whole town killed?"
: "Chill, dude, it's nothing to do with you."
: "I'm the leader of the superhuman community! It's everything to do with me!"
: "The government is pressuring us to bring the X-Men into the superhuman Initiative, I'd prefer you joined voluntarily."
: "Screw you, no-one's gonna tell us what to do. We all quit."
: "What? Why?"
: "Where were you when we needed you? Where were you when Genosha was destroyed."
: "I don't recall you X-Men doing a damn thing about stopping that either."
: "I'll have you know I was busy getting a third class of students killed."
: "Oh wow, well done, I'll see if we can get Bastion to give you a medal."
: "Get out of here, we're not selling out to The Man!"
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And now...G:DR presents....X-Men vs Dark Avengers!
: "We have marched across this country, our numbers growing each step of the way, and all of us calling for an end to the threat posed by mutant violence!"
: "We call upon the government to pass a law to ban mutants from breeding!"
: "Now wait just a minute. You can't react to the actions of an out-of-control minority by oppressing the entire mutant race!"
: "He can't tell us what we can't do!"
: "He can't stop us from breeding!"
: "They can't have a law that stops us having sex!"
: ".......no-one would have sex with any of you cretins anyway."
: "We're not gonna take it anymore! Riot!"
:: "Riot! Riot! Riot!"
: "See how mutants react to a peaceful protest? With violence and thuggery. Wake up, America, legislate against the mutant threat before it's too late!"
----------
: "Wow, this is really bad. If you're setting yourself up as King of All Mutants, you'd better do something about these riots, Scott."
: "Ah, it'll all work itself out, it's nothing to worry about."
----------
: "The situation is out of control. Norman, we need you to send the Avengers in to San Francisco and restore order."
: "You want me to impose martial law, Mr President?"
: "Whatever it takes to bring an end to these mutant riots."
: "Consider it done."
----------
: "Riot! Riot! Riot!"
: "Stop! HAMMER Time!"
: "Mortal cretins! I would slay you all where you stand, but I have orders to arrest you all."
: "Oh, great."
: "Thankfully, my orders say nothing about not smiting you all before I arrest you."
: "Bring it on, pigs! We'll never surrender!"
: "Yeah! We're #@*&% extreme! I've got blades and #@*&~! You like blades? They're extreeeeeeeeme! I'll cut you up!"
: "Just don't put me in the same cell as these idiots, ok?"
----------
: "Surrender, stop burning the city down, and you won't be hurt. Much."
: "Shugah, ah had me a feud with the old Ms Marvel, so now ah'm gonna transfer that grudge over to y'all."
: "I'm sorry, that Marvel Boy kid stole my English to Hick dictionary, I have no idea what you just said."
: "Ah'm not a hick, ah'm trailer-trash!
: "What's the difference?"
: "And ah said we're gonna be fightin' now!"
: "Oh yay."
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: "I call upon Cyclops, as the self-appointed leader of the mutants, to both surrender himself to the law, and to call for his followers to put an end to their rioting."
: "Yeah? Well I call upon you to surrender. Also; I have a jetpack."
: "And people say I'm crazy?"
: "I'm serious. My boys are gonna keep on rioting, and I don't care. And there's nothing you can do about it."
: "Oh yeah? Well screw you, I'll get my own X-Men, with blackjack! And hookers."
: "Blackjack?"
: "OK, no blackjack, but we do have a hooker."
: "Hello, Scott."
: "No! Betrayed by women again! What could Norman possibly offer you that you would finally sell us out, after teasing a betrayal for years?"
: "A real man, that's what."
: "Really? Where is he?"
: "Me, you dolt! King Namor, Prince of Atlantis! She will be mine again! No woman can resist the Avenging Son! Imperious Rex!"
: "And here's the rest of our new, government-sanctioned. HAMMER-approved X-Men team!"
: "Hey, half of those guys aren't even real mutants! This is crap!"
: "And we own the X-Men name! We'll sue!"
: "Actually, I own the X-Men name. And I'm on Norman's side. You've made a complete mess of this situation, Scott."
: "Betrayed by my own mentor! It's all a conspiracy against me!"
-----------
: "Ha! Those fools have no idea I'm really Mystique."
: "What did you do with the real Xavier, anyway."
: "We arrested him."
: "Arrested? What for?"
: "Breaking and entering, believe it or not. He attacked some other mutant group in their home, and this Random person called it in to HAMMER."
: "If you manage to charge him with all those counts of erasing people's memories, and that robot-enslavement thing, you can keep him locked up forever."
: "And here, you can see the final member of your team at work keeping our prisoners from the riots contained."
: "So, as you see, this machine removes a mutant's powers, rendering them harmless."
: "Does it have to torture them?"
: "That's not a bug, that's a feature."
: "And anyway, wasn't there something in the news about you torturing people and cutting them up for science?"
: "Those weren't people, they were illegal immigrants."
: "Ok, point. And these aren't people, they're mutants."
: "Aren't you a mutant?"
: "Just let me enjoy this, would you? Torture is my only vice."
: "Don't you kill people as well?"
: "OK, OK, torture and murder are my only vices. Sometimes I smoke, too."
-----------
: "Curse it all, the new X-Men team have put a stop to the riots! Time for Plan B."
: "What's Plan B?"
: "To forcibly turn all of my willing followers into mindless robot drones to fight the X-Men. And also, to turn myself into a robot."
: "How is that helping turn public opinion against mutants at all?"
: "When we lose horribly, we'll have the public sympathy on our side."
: *sigh* "And things were going so well, too. Are you sure you're really a Trask?"
: "I'm Bolivar's brother!"
: "And you're not adopted or anything?"
: "No."
: "Did your parents drop you on your head?"
: "No."
: "If you make it out of this alive, I will."
-----------
: "Those fake X-Men are winning over the people! We have to do something to stop them! My own son, working for The Man, I can't take it anymore."
: *cries*
: "Pull yourself together! I already have a brilliant plan. Norman Osborn's scheme of mutants policing mutants must end here and now!"
: "Our science team is busy turning Asteroid M into an island we can live on forever. Moonstar, I need you to sell your soul to the Asgardian goddess of the dishonoured dead, for the power to beat Ares."
: "Sure, Ok. It's not like I needed my soul for anything."
: "Now, Pixie, I need you for the next stage of my plan."
: "OMG! Whatever you need, Mr Cyclops, sir."
: "I need you to get yourself arrested."
: "How?"
: "Do I have to think of everything for you? Start another riot."
: "Set something on fire."
: "Beginnen Sie einen Krieg!"
: "U try 2 sell teh sex to some1?"
: "Oh yay! Mr Cyclops, how much would you pay me for sex?"
: "I ment 2 teh HAMMER troops, tehn tehy arrest u."
: "But I wanted Mr Cyclops."
: "......Godammit I'm surrounded by morons. Nightcrawler, Magik, I need the two of you to go get yourselves arrested."
-----------
: "Hey, everybody, I caught these two mutants trying to sell me sex."
: "Ooh, can I eat their brains?"
: "No, lock them up with the other prisoners."
: "Ha! Ich have fooling you all!"
"Now we shall teleport all these criminal mutants to freedom!"
: "No! We can't let these scum threaten the public again!"
: "Stop them, my X-Men!"
: "Ha! We were on Cyclops' side all along!"
: "Yes, I was always good. Even when I was evil in the 1980s and killing henchmen and ponies!"
"What a swerve. I never saw any of that coming."
: "We can't let those mutants betray and humiliate us! Attack!"
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: "Avengers Assemble!"
: "That's not Hawkeye, it's Bullseye!"
: "How do you possibly know that?"
: "I'm Cyclops."
: "I'm gonna kill you mutants until you die from it!"
: "Warren, I need you to take this guy out of the fight."
: "You can't defeat me, what're you going to do? Fly at me?"
: "Maybe I can't stop you, but I know someone who can. Transform!"
: "Rrrrrrrraaaaaaaagh!"
: "Ah. To the end it is, then."
: "Aye, to the death. Have at thee!"
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: "So, you're Logan's clone, but a girl."
: "Grown in teh lab, raised on teh mean streets."
: "For sale on the streets, you mean."
: "OMG totally! How much u pay?"
: "What? I'm like your brother. Or uncle. Or something."
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: "We're that unimportant, we're reduced to struggling to aid the science team in a 6-on-one battle against Dark Beast?"
: "I'm just thankful I'm not dead anymore."
: "All of you shut up and keep fighting!"
: "As you wish."
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: "Colossus smash Iron Patriot!"
: "Gargan, if that metal pedophile lays a hand on me, you have authorisation to bite it off."
: "Ooh, can we eat his brains, too?"
: "I can't see that it'd be much of a meal."
: "Ha! He's totally got you pegged, Colossus."
: "Colossus know."
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: "You can't stop me, Namor. None of you can stop the power of a billion exploding suns!"
: "The prince of Atlantis does not need to stop you, only delay you while my woman uses her mind powers against you. Imperious Rex!"
: "Sentry, you hear my voice in your mind. You hear only my voice."
: "Yes....I hear only your voice."
: "Every time you close your eyes, you will see me naked. Every time."
: "Oh God no, make it stop. Don't make me look at the sac. Stop it! Oh God, Jesus save me!"
: "He flees! Victory!"
: "Wait, did he say 'sac'?"
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: "Cyclops, I'm gonna beat you so bad, your children will feel it!"
: "Ow!"
: "Go Norman! Hit him again!"
: "What side are you on?"
-----------
: "Gonna pay you back for what you did to Alpha Flight!"
: "What, those guys are still dead? Seriously?"
: "Yeah, it's been a few years now."
: "Shouldn't you be blaming Xorn for that, it's his fault."
: "You mean Magneto?"
: "No, I mean Xorn? You still don't understand that? How dumb are you"
: "I DON'T BELIEVE IN XORNS!"
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: "Ow! You cut me!"
: "You like that? I got blades all over me, 'cause I'm extreeeeeeeeeme! I'm gonna set your blood on #@*&^$ fire!"
: "No, no-one likes that."
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: "By the X-Men's powers combined, I am...the Mimic!"
: "If you could actually use those powers well, you might be a threat to us."
: "Sie können ihn nicht alleine stoppen! Das Führer legt ein Ende dem Nachahmer vor! Und Gambit."
: "What? What Gambit do dis time?"
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: "Flee, puny mortals! No man can stand against the God of War!"
: "I am no man!"
: "And yet the toilet wall says otherwise."
: "What? Get out of here."
-----------
: "Our big guns are down,
we can't win this."
: "We have to take off and nuke the site from orbit! It's the only way to be sure."
: "That works as a 'Plan B' for everything. I love that plan, let's do it!"
: "We're all X-Men now!"
: "You are _so_ not an X-Man."
: "I will be when I marry Mr Cyclops."
: "Over my dead body!"
: "If u sh@re h1m, I k1ll teh f0ssil 4 u."
: "Yay!"
: "To stop us, you're gonna have to kill us all."
: "I'm strangely OK with that."
: "You can't commit genocide on live television."
: "Just watch us."
: "People hate mutants! They'll make me president for this!"
: "But wait! What about the Sentinel industry!"
: "What?"
: "The manufacture of Sentinels to combat the mutant thread provides thousands of jobs! It's a major part of the American economy. No more mutants, no more need for Sentinels!"
: "She's right, you know."
: "Times are tough enough as it is, we have to think about the workers in those factories, and about all those Sentinels. They'd all be jobless with no mutants."
: "Yes, think of the Sentinels."
: "Damn it all. You get to live today, X-Men, but this is not a victory for you, but for the Sentinels and the men and women who manufacture them!"
: "Well, at least we kicked all the mutants out of America."
: "Mission accomplished!"
: "Is that really all the mutants gone?"
: "All except Daken."
: "Please don't leave me on an island with my dad."
: "Don't worry, Daken, you're one of us. Unless you betray us like Frost and Namor, anyway."
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: "Well, we've seceded from America, and we have our own island paradise. I think we'll call it 'Utopia'. I'm calling this one a win."
: "Yeah! Extreeeeeeeeeme!"
: "Scott? Do you even know what 'utopia' means?"
: "We're still within US territorial waters."
: "Wir können einen Krieg mit ihnen nicht gewinnen."
: "And they tortured me and no-one cares!"
: "And this island of yours belongs to Magneto, what if he comes home?"
: "And we have no food, water or supplies."
: "Mutant scum, the Avenging Son leaves you now, to return to his home under the sea!"
: "Wait, Namor, take me with you! Don't leave me here!"
: "Would it have been so bad to stay, and actually have the X-Men police the mutant community?"
: "Obey human laws? Ha!"
: "You two really have no idea when to work with authority and when to fight it, do you?"
: "And now we're stuck here on a barren rock. What have we won, exactly?"
: "It's a win, dammit! A Win! I command you to celebrate!"
: "Maybe I'll make myself king."
: "Mr Cyclops, I dropped the last of the toilet paper in the sea."
: *cries*
----to be alternatended?----
The above is a parody. All characters ™ © Marvel Comics.
All micros property of their respective designers - if you want to be credited, e-mail microadv (at-sign) graffiti.net.