G:DR’s Micro Adventures!
X-Men vs Avengers: It's a Micro Adventure!
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Translations provided by Babelfish. As ever, this Micro Adventure should not be read by people who are offended by things.

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Previously, on the X-Men:

---------- 2005 ----------

A Sentinel: "By order of the Office of National Emergency, this school is under control of the Sentinel Squad."

Cyclops: "Sure, OK."

A Sentinel: "This school shall now be used as an internment camp reservation for all mutants on US Soil."

White Queen: "Sure, OK."

Cyclops: "Whatever you want. We won't try and stop you."

---------- 2006 ----------

Iron Man: "The superhuman community is at war! We could really use the X-Men's help."

Cyclops: "H*ll no, we're not helping you."

Iron Man: "But this could help the public to see you as heroes, not as criminal outlaws!"

White Queen: "Screw you, and the horse you rode in on."

Carol Danvers: "Did she just call me a horse or a whore?"

White Queen: "Oh, I'm sure you're both."

POW!

Emma Frost floating in orbit: "Hey, Kitty was right, you really can see my ego from space."

---------- 2008 ----------

Iron Man: "What the H*ll, Cyclops? You say the X-Men are going to sit here and not be superheroes, and now
you're fighting all over the world and one of your super-battles gets a whole town killed?"

Cyclops: "Chill, dude, it's nothing to do with you."

Iron Man: "I'm the leader of the superhuman community! It's everything to do with me!"

Iron Man: "The government is pressuring us to bring the X-Men into the superhuman Initiative, I'd prefer you joined voluntarily."

Cyclops: "Screw you, no-one's gonna tell us what to do. We all quit."

Iron Man: "What? Why?"

White Queen: "Where were you when we needed you? Where were you when Genosha was destroyed."

Iron Man: "I don't recall you X-Men doing a damn thing about stopping that either."

White Queen: "I'll have you know I was busy getting a third class of students killed."

Iron Man: "Oh wow, well done, I'll see if we can get Bastion to give you a medal."

Cyclops: "Get out of here, we're not selling out to The Man!"

----------

And now...G:DR presents....X-Men vs Dark Avengers!


A Trask: "We have marched across this country, our numbers growing each step of the way, and all of us calling for an end to the threat posed by mutant violence!"

A Trask: "We call upon the government to pass a law to ban mutants from breeding!"

Beast: "Now wait just a minute. You can't react to the actions of an out-of-control minority by oppressing the entire mutant race!"

Hellion: "He can't tell us what we can't do!"

Sunspot: "He can't stop us from breeding!"

Rockslide: "They can't have a law that stops us having sex!"

Beast: ".......no-one would have sex with any of you cretins anyway."

Adam X, the X-Treme: "We're not gonna take it anymore! Riot!"

Hellion, Adam X - the X-Treme - rightful heir to the Shi'ar Empire, Rockslide, Sunspot, Avalance, Erg, Trance, Match, Indra, Anole, and someone or other:: "Riot! Riot! Riot!"

A Trask: "See how mutants react to a peaceful protest? With violence and thuggery. Wake up, America, legislate against the mutant threat before it's too late!"

----------

Iceman: "Wow, this is really bad. If you're setting yourself up as King of All Mutants, you'd better do something about these riots, Scott."

Cyclops: "Ah, it'll all work itself out, it's nothing to worry about."

----------

President Zartan: "The situation is out of control. Norman, we need you to send the Avengers in to San Francisco and restore order."

The Iron Patriot: "You want me to impose martial law, Mr President?"

President Zartan: "Whatever it takes to bring an end to these mutant riots."

The Iron Patriot: "Consider it done."

----------

Hellion, Adam X - the X-Treme - rightful heir to the Shi'ar Empire, Rockslide, Sunspot, Avalance, Erg, Trance, Match, Indra, Anole, and someone or other: "Riot! Riot! Riot!"

The Iron Patriot: "Stop! HAMMER Time!"

Ares, God of War! Daken, Son of Wolverine! Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist! Hawkeye/Bullseye, Slayer of Ninja Girlfriends! Venom: Half-Man, Half-Symbiote, All-American! Sentry, with the power of a million exploding suns!

Ares, God of War: "Mortal cretins! I would slay you all where you stand, but I have orders to arrest you all."

Beast: "Oh, great."

Ares, God of War: "Thankfully, my orders say nothing about not smiting you all before I arrest you."

Hellion: "Bring it on, pigs! We'll never surrender!"

Adam X, the X-Treme: "Yeah! We're #@*&% extreme! I've got blades and #@*&~! You like blades? They're extreeeeeeeeme! I'll cut you up!"

Beast: "Just don't put me in the same cell as these idiots, ok?"

----------

Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist!: "Surrender, stop burning the city down, and you won't be hurt. Much."

Rogue: "Shugah, ah had me a feud with the old Ms Marvel, so now ah'm gonna transfer that grudge over to y'all."

Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist!: "I'm sorry, that Marvel Boy kid stole my English to Hick dictionary, I have no idea what you just said."

Rogue: "Ah'm not a hick, ah'm trailer-trash!

Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist!: "What's the difference?"

Rogue: "And ah said we're gonna be fightin' now!"

Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist!: "Oh yay."

----------

The Iron Patriot: "I call upon Cyclops, as the self-appointed leader of the mutants, to both surrender himself to the law, and to call for his followers to put an end to their rioting."

Cyclops: "Yeah? Well I call upon you to surrender. Also; I have a jetpack."

The Iron Patriot: "And people say I'm crazy?"

Cyclops: "I'm serious. My boys are gonna keep on rioting, and I don't care. And there's nothing you can do about it."

The Iron Patriot: "Oh yeah? Well screw you, I'll get my own X-Men, with blackjack! And hookers."

Cyclops: "Blackjack?"

The Iron Patriot: "OK, no blackjack, but we do have a hooker."

Black Queen Emma Frost: "Hello, Scott."

Cyclops: "No! Betrayed by women again! What could Norman possibly offer you that you would finally sell us out, after teasing a betrayal for years?"

Namor: "A real man, that's what."

Cyclops: "Really? Where is he?"

Namor: "Me, you dolt! King Namor, Prince of Atlantis! She will be mine again! No woman can resist the Avenging Son! Imperious Rex!"

The Iron Patriot: "And here's the rest of our new, government-sanctioned. HAMMER-approved X-Men team!"

Daken, Son of Wolverine! Omega, Ender of Alpha Flight! Mimic, by the X-Men's Powers Combined! Cloak & Dagger, Dark and Light As One!

Cyclops: "Hey, half of those guys aren't even real mutants! This is crap!"

Cyclops: "And we own the X-Men name! We'll sue!"

'Professor X'?: "Actually, I own the X-Men name. And I'm on Norman's side. You've made a complete mess of this situation, Scott."

Cyclops: "Betrayed by my own mentor! It's all a conspiracy against me!"

-----------

'Professor X'?: "Ha! Those fools have no idea I'm really Mystique."

Black Queen Emma Frost: "What did you do with the real Xavier, anyway."

The Iron Patriot: "We arrested him."

Namor: "Arrested? What for?"

The Iron Patriot: "Breaking and entering, believe it or not. He attacked some other mutant group in their home, and this Random person called it in to HAMMER."

Black Queen Emma Frost: "If you manage to charge him with all those counts of erasing people's memories, and that robot-enslavement thing, you can keep him locked up forever."

The Iron Patriot: "And here, you can see the final member of your team at work keeping our prisoners from the riots contained."

Dark Beast, Evil Scientist!: "So, as you see, this machine removes a mutant's powers, rendering them harmless."

The Iron Patriot: "Does it have to torture them?"

Dark Beast, Evil Scientist!: "That's not a bug, that's a feature."

Dark Beast, Evil Scientist!: "And anyway, wasn't there something in the news about you torturing people and cutting them up for science?"

The Iron Patriot: "Those weren't people, they were illegal immigrants."

Dark Beast, Evil Scientist!: "Ok, point. And these aren't people, they're mutants."

The Iron Patriot: "Aren't you a mutant?"

Dark Beast, Evil Scientist!: "Just let me enjoy this, would you? Torture is my only vice."

The Iron Patriot: "Don't you kill people as well?"

Dark Beast, Evil Scientist!: "OK, OK, torture and murder are my only vices. Sometimes I smoke, too."

-----------

A Trask: "Curse it all, the new X-Men team have put a stop to the riots! Time for Plan B."

Bastion: "What's Plan B?"

A Trask: "To forcibly turn all of my willing followers into mindless robot drones to fight the X-Men. And also, to turn myself into a robot."

Bastion: "How is that helping turn public opinion against mutants at all?"

A Trask: "When we lose horribly, we'll have the public sympathy on our side."

Bastion: *sigh* "And things were going so well, too. Are you sure you're really a Trask?"

A Trask: "I'm Bolivar's brother!"

Bastion: "And you're not adopted or anything?"

A Trask: "No."

Bastion: "Did your parents drop you on your head?"

A Trask: "No."

Bastion: "If you make it out of this alive, I will."

-----------

Wolverine: "Those fake X-Men are winning over the people! We have to do something to stop them! My own son, working for The Man, I can't take it anymore."

Wolverine: *cries*

Cyclops: "Pull yourself together! I already have a brilliant plan. Norman Osborn's scheme of mutants policing mutants must end here and now!"

Cyclops: "Our science team is busy turning Asteroid M into an island we can live on forever. Moonstar, I need you to sell your soul to the Asgardian goddess of the dishonoured dead, for the power to beat Ares."

Moonstar: "Sure, Ok. It's not like I needed my soul for anything."

Cyclops: "Now, Pixie, I need you for the next stage of my plan."

Pixie: "OMG! Whatever you need, Mr Cyclops, sir."

Cyclops: "I need you to get yourself arrested."

Pixie: "How?"

Cyclops: "Do I have to think of everything for you? Start another riot."

Rogue: "Set something on fire."

Hitler: "Beginnen Sie einen Krieg!"

X-23: "U try 2 sell teh sex to some1?"

Pixie: "Oh yay! Mr Cyclops, how much would you pay me for sex?"

X-23: "I ment 2 teh HAMMER troops, tehn tehy arrest u."

Pixie: "But I wanted Mr Cyclops."

Cyclops: "......Godammit I'm surrounded by morons. Nightcrawler, Magik, I need the two of you to go get yourselves arrested."

-----------

Hawkeye/Bullseye, Slayer of Ninja Girlfriends!: "Hey, everybody, I caught these two mutants trying to sell me sex."

Nightcrawlerand Magik

Venom: Half-Man, Half-Symbiote, All-American!: "Ooh, can I eat their brains?"

The Iron Patriot: "No, lock them up with the other prisoners."

Nightcrawler: "Ha! Ich have fooling you all!"

Magik "Now we shall teleport all these criminal mutants to freedom!"

Daken, Son of Wolverine!: "No! We can't let these scum threaten the public again!"

The Iron Patriot: "Stop them, my X-Men!"

Namor: "Ha! We were on Cyclops' side all along!"

Black Queen Emma Frost: "Yes, I was always good. Even when I was evil in the 1980s and killing henchmen and ponies!"

Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist! "What a swerve. I never saw any of that coming."

The Iron Patriot: "We can't let those mutants betray and humiliate us! Attack!"

-----------

The Iron Patriot: "Avengers Assemble!"

Ares, God of War Daken, Son of Wolverine! Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist! Hawkeye/Bullseye, Slayer of Ninja Girlfriends! Venom: Half-Man, Half-Symbiote, All-American! Sentry, with the power of a million exploding suns!

Cyclops: "That's not Hawkeye, it's Bullseye!"

Angel: "How do you possibly know that?"

Cyclops: "I'm Cyclops."

Hawkeye/Bullseye, Slayer of Ninja Girlfriends!: "I'm gonna kill you mutants until you die from it!"

Cyclops: "Warren, I need you to take this guy out of the fight."

Hawkeye/Bullseye, Slayer of Ninja Girlfriends!: "You can't defeat me, what're you going to do? Fly at me?"

Angel: "Maybe I can't stop you, but I know someone who can. Transform!"

Archangel: "Rrrrrrrraaaaaaaagh!"

Hawkeye/Bullseye, Slayer of Ninja Girlfriends!: "Ah. To the end it is, then."

Archangel: "Aye, to the death. Have at thee!"

-----------

Daken, Son of Wolverine!: "So, you're Logan's clone, but a girl."

X-23: "Grown in teh lab, raised on teh mean streets."

Daken, Son of Wolverine!: "For sale on the streets, you mean."

X-23: "OMG totally! How much u pay?"

Daken, Son of Wolverine!: "What? I'm like your brother. Or uncle. Or something."

-----------

Dazzler: "We're that unimportant, we're reduced to struggling to aid the science team in a 6-on-one battle against Dark Beast?"

Northstar: "I'm just thankful I'm not dead anymore."

Cyclops: "All of you shut up and keep fighting!"

Psylocke: "As you wish."

-----------

Colossus: "Colossus smash Iron Patriot!"

The Iron Patriot: "Gargan, if that metal pedophile lays a hand on me, you have authorisation to bite it off."

Venom: Half-Man, Half-Symbiote, All-American!: "Ooh, can we eat his brains, too?"

The Iron Patriot: "I can't see that it'd be much of a meal."

Iceman: "Ha! He's totally got you pegged, Colossus."

Colossus: "Colossus know."

-----------

Sentry, with the power of a million exploding suns!: "You can't stop me, Namor. None of you can stop the power of a billion exploding suns!"

Namor: "The prince of Atlantis does not need to stop you, only delay you while my woman uses her mind powers against you. Imperious Rex!"

Black Queen Emma Frost: "Sentry, you hear my voice in your mind. You hear only my voice."

Sentry, with the power of a million exploding suns!: "Yes....I hear only your voice."

Black Queen Emma Frost: "Every time you close your eyes, you will see me naked. Every time."

Sentry, with the power of a million exploding suns!: "Oh God no, make it stop. Don't make me look at the sac. Stop it! Oh God, Jesus save me!"

Namor: "He flees! Victory!"

Namor: "Wait, did he say 'sac'?"

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The Iron Patriot: "Cyclops, I'm gonna beat you so bad, your children will feel it!"

Cyclops: "Ow!"

Beast: "Go Norman! Hit him again!"

Cyclops: "What side are you on?"

-----------

Wolverine: "Gonna pay you back for what you did to Alpha Flight!"

Omega, Ender of Alpha Flight!: "What, those guys are still dead? Seriously?"

Wolverine: "Yeah, it's been a few years now."

Omega, Ender of Alpha Flight!: "Shouldn't you be blaming Xorn for that, it's his fault."

Wolverine: "You mean Magneto?"

Omega, Ender of Alpha Flight!: "No, I mean Xorn? You still don't understand that? How dumb are you"

Wolverine: "I DON'T BELIEVE IN XORNS!"

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Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist!: "Ow! You cut me!"

Adam X, the X-Treme: "You like that? I got blades all over me, 'cause I'm extreeeeeeeeeme! I'm gonna set your blood on #@*&^$ fire!"

Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist!: "No, no-one likes that."

-----------

Mimic, by the X-Men's Powers Combined!: "By the X-Men's powers combined, I am...the Mimic!"

Iceman: "If you could actually use those powers well, you might be a threat to us."

Hitler: "Sie können ihn nicht alleine stoppen! Das Führer legt ein Ende dem Nachahmer vor! Und Gambit."

Gambit: "What? What Gambit do dis time?"

-----------

Ares, God of War: "Flee, puny mortals! No man can stand against the God of War!"

Valkyried-up Moonstar: "I am no man!"

Deadpool: "And yet the toilet wall says otherwise."

Valkyried-up Moonstar: "What? Get out of here."

-----------

Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist!: "Our big guns are down, we can't win this."

Venom: Half-Man, Half-Symbiote, All-American!: "We have to take off and nuke the site from orbit! It's the only way to be sure."

The Iron Patriot: "That works as a 'Plan B' for everything. I love that plan, let's do it!"

Pixie: "We're all X-Men now!"

Angel: "You are _so_ not an X-Man."

Pixie: "I will be when I marry Mr Cyclops."

Black Queen Emma Frost: "Over my dead body!"

X-23: "If u sh@re h1m, I k1ll teh f0ssil 4 u."

Pixie: "Yay!"

Cyclops: "To stop us, you're gonna have to kill us all."

The Iron Patriot: "I'm strangely OK with that."

Black Queen Emma Frost: "You can't commit genocide on live television."

Hawkeye/Bullseye, Slayer of Ninja Girlfriends!: "Just watch us."

The Iron Patriot: "People hate mutants! They'll make me president for this!"

Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist!: "But wait! What about the Sentinel industry!"

The Iron Patriot: "What?"

Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist!: "The manufacture of Sentinels to combat the mutant thread provides thousands of jobs! It's a major part of the American economy. No more mutants, no more need for Sentinels!"

Venom: Half-Man, Half-Symbiote, All-American!: "She's right, you know."

Hawkeye/Bullseye, Slayer of Ninja Girlfriends!: "Times are tough enough as it is, we have to think about the workers in those factories, and about all those Sentinels. They'd all be jobless with no mutants."

Daken, Son of Wolverine!: "Yes, think of the Sentinels."

The Iron Patriot: "Damn it all. You get to live today, X-Men, but this is not a victory for you, but for the Sentinels and the men and women who manufacture them!"

Venom: Half-Man, Half-Symbiote, All-American!: "Well, at least we kicked all the mutants out of America."

The Iron Patriot: "Mission accomplished!"

Hawkeye/Bullseye, Slayer of Ninja Girlfriends!: "Is that really all the mutants gone?"

Moonstone, Evil Psychiatrist!: "All except Daken."

Daken, Son of Wolverine!: "Please don't leave me on an island with my dad."

The Iron Patriot: "Don't worry, Daken, you're one of us. Unless you betray us like Frost and Namor, anyway."

-----------

Cyclops: "Well, we've seceded from America, and we have our own island paradise. I think we'll call it 'Utopia'. I'm calling this one a win."

Adam X, the X-Treme: "Yeah! Extreeeeeeeeeme!"

Professor X: "Scott? Do you even know what 'utopia' means?"

Iceman: "We're still within US territorial waters."

Hitler: "Wir können einen Krieg mit ihnen nicht gewinnen."

Beast: "And they tortured me and no-one cares!"

Wolverine: "And this island of yours belongs to Magneto, what if he comes home?"

Angel: "And we have no food, water or supplies."

Namor: "Mutant scum, the Avenging Son leaves you now, to return to his home under the sea!"

Black Queen Emma Frost: "Wait, Namor, take me with you! Don't leave me here!"

Rogue: "Would it have been so bad to stay, and actually have the X-Men police the mutant community?"

Black Queen Emma Frost: "Obey human laws? Ha!"

Professor X: "You two really have no idea when to work with authority and when to fight it, do you?"

Iceman: "And now we're stuck here on a barren rock. What have we won, exactly?"

Cyclops: "It's a win, dammit! A Win! I command you to celebrate!"

Cyclops: "Maybe I'll make myself king."

Pixie: "Mr Cyclops, I dropped the last of the toilet paper in the sea."

Cyclops: *cries*

----to be alternatended?----


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The above is a parody. All characters ™ © Marvel Comics.
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